One Year Five Months

I pondered today....known as Memorial Day...May 30th, how could it be that Ken has now been gone for one year and five months....that it has even been longer since I heard him speak.....The last day I remember Ken trying to talk, trying to tell me that he needed to know...wanted to know what was wrong in his head...why could he not form words...as he would take his hand and bang his head....seeing the need in his eyes to know why he could not understand what was happening....for weeks the maybe the doctor's, but someone was saying it was the reaction to pain medications...oh how I knew that was not the true answer...but what could I do, I was not the one who had control...he begged to see a doctor, have a test that Friday night....before Sunday when he was rushed to the hospital and we finally were told the truth....A brain Tumor....with loads of fluid....Never after that Friday night did I hear Ken's voice....But I remember the sound of his voice....it will forever be with me in my head.....to hold in my heart forever more.
I sure miss that voice, that laugh, that smile....I loved a few days before that Friday night as he laid in bed and I sit by his chair...I said to him "Do you want me to hold your hand" and him reaching out taking my hand and shaking his head "yes" as we sit silently watching some sci fi show on TV,,,,,And I will remember holding his hand in the hospital day and  night after he was rushed to the hospital on that Sunday night before Thanksgiving....Something that gets burned in our minds, something that will never be erased, that last time we were with our child.
Amazing to me that the brain tumor was so large, the fluid so built up around the tumor, yet not once did he have a headache....What did he have...he had a tumor that brought out the emotional side of him...more strongly than most people can ever show....
He hugged, he cried, he smiled, he showed so much love....he would try to say mom, but only half of it would come out, but I always understood what he said..the many nights when I would leave to go back to the Motor Home, he reaching out to grab my hand and in the best he could say lov mom...Those words, those time,,,even as horrible they were....are some of the most wonderful, sweet times that we had got to share after that horrible disease called Cancer attacked his body...
Shorty, after we found out the cancer had become aggressive...someone had started a rumor...saying the cancer was in his heart...my Ken so weak from the chemo...so weak from the ravage of the pain from the cancer for those 2 years...I see his coming to where the Motor home is parked, so I rush out to meet him, so he did not have to walk the distance in the hot sun....I met him about half way and
ask What sweety....and though he could not say the words, he tried so hard..not hrt...i tried with all my being to understand as we walked back up the hill....not hrt...Finally after repeating this over and over and the frustration on his face knowing he is trying to get me to understand...he points to his chest...not hrt
Finally, I say, "Ken, honey, I know it is not in your heart....I know the cancer has not gone to your heart.....with that we walked the rest of the way to the conference center hand and hand and me telling him..I know...it's going to be alright.....
So much happened.....so much to remember...so  much that hurts so deep...so much I wish i could have done to save my son....so much I wished for..so much I wished the cancer had never taken his body...so much when he would ask me why so much I wish I had an answer for him....so much I wish I could have taken his place....so much  I wish he had had more time to live his life...to fulfill his goals.
I know I can not change what has happened,,,,I know I can't bring hiim back...just as I know that we can not go backwards and make thing be the way they used to be.....I will still wish...I will always forever wish that my son Ken had not had to suffer the pain of the horrible word I hate...The big word "Cancer....
One Year Five Months....you Ken have been gone...Some how I have continue to breath, to live in this world....somehow the tears are not as often...but today tears did sting my eyes more than a few time ...For now and forever, Ken, I will continue to wish...wish you were still here with us and forever when that day, this day comes each month the 30th....it will always be the saddest day of my life....For this date no matter what, this will alway be the day that I will know that God took you home.....this date the 30th will be the day that I know my heart broke....for this date will always be the saddest day of my entire life....Forever your my son, Forever I am your mom....Forever we will hold on to that day that no longer will this date be important...until that day my son.....I keep on holding on....Love, mom