One Year Dday Anniversary
About this time, currently just after 2 am, one year ago today, I was reading the log from the key logger I had installed a few hours earlier to find out what was going on. And boy did I find out. Much more than I could have imagined. What I had suspected was true, but I had no inkling that she was actually having sex with another man under my nose, a full blown affair with a local guy.
To go back to my first journal entries, you can read the whole story if you want to. But it totally shook my world apart. My whole perception of my wife changed that night, so much so that at one point I admitted to myself, "I don't know who she is anymore."
That night as I spent a few hours struggling to process the reality that my wife of 29 years had been lying to me, living a hidden life from me, breaking our vows of marriage, and putting her soul into Hell's hands. I thought that where we would be by this day, could very well be divorced. Everything I'd held as solid, firm, and comfortable about our relationship suddenly was all up in the air, and I had no idea where it would come down. What directions we would go. What she would do. What i would do. I didn't know that I would make it to this day with my marriage still intact. And if I did, would we be miserable and headed in the wrong directions.
And because dday happened four days before our anniversary, and I had planned a weekend anniversary trip to a bed and breakfast, I had no idea whether to cancel the trip and reservation, or go. As it turned out, she wanted to rebuild once I confronted her later that day, around lunch time, and so we went on our trip. And while the time away from everything provided some valuable time to focus on what had happened, hash through the details and pain, and where we were going to go from there, it wasn't what I would call my preferred way to spend an anniversary. It will certainly go down in our history as the most unusual anniversary outings we have ever had.
But as it turns out, we made it. And even more than made it, are doing well in the rebuilding. Well enough that for the dday anniversary, we are reclaiming that day by celebrating our wedding anniversary.
Being our anniversary falls on next Tuesday, we could either have had our trip this weekend, or the following. At first I thought we'd do it on the following weekend. But then I thought it would be more symbolic and meaningful to celebrate our 30th anniversary on dday.
So a year later, we will be celebrating instead of fearing. Grateful instead of focusing on what we've lost. Embracing instead of crying. Praising God for his goodness to us instead of focusing on our hurts and pain.
Because our financial situation isn't great, with me being out of work, just pulled off the marriage of our daughter (with a lot of help), our son graduating in a couple of weeks, and trying to get him into college, my brother has graciously paid for a hotel stay for Friday night.
So tomorrow our plan of attack is this. She is going to finish her clients by noon, with the help of my daughter. After eating a quick lunch and packing for the trip, we are going to get a chair and put it in the living room, then she is going to sit in my lap, facing me, like she did when I confronted her a year ago about the affairs. We'll probably hug and talk a bit, though there will be people there so we can't just have an all out emotional session or anything. Then we are going to go to my computer. On it, I've saved the emails between her and her OM. It is the last vestige of any evidence of what went on back then.
Earlier that morning, maybe even after I finish this, I'm seriously thinking of reading through them one last time. I've not looked at them very much. I'd say about three or four times since dday. She thought she'd deleted them, but they were still sitting in the Trash folder. I've debated looking them over, but I think I want to be reminded of where we've came from. Where her mind was back then. If nothing else, to remember how far we've come, how far she's come.
When we go back to my computer, I'll pull up the emails. She says she doesn't want to read them. So unless she tells me otherwise, she'll just watch me delete them and they will be gone. The last substantive evidence that the affairs ever happened. Only our memories to deal with.
Then we'll pack and go to the hotel. Visit a botanical garden. Eat out, of course. Then Saturday we'll check out and drive to a nearby German tourist town, and spend the afternoon there eating lunch, visiting the shops and sites, and eating dinner at a German restaurant before heading back home.
I'm sure in some ways, the celebration will be bittersweet. Our anniversary will always remind us of the affair. And no matter how you dice it, that was a negative and earth-shattering event for our marriage. Because we did have a strong marriage, and because we used the horribleness of the affair to motivate us to fix what needed fixing, to work on ourselves and the marriage instead of letting it tear us apart, the storm of the affair has made us stronger, and more solid. We've weathered the "hurricane" and are still standing. And not only standing, but happily standing despite the losses we've endured.
I have a feeling we'll leave the computers behind, so if we get on here while we're on our trip, it will be through our cell phones, and being that's not as easy, and we'll probably be busy, I don't expect to be on the forums much after noon today. probably not until late Saturday night, maybe Sunday sometime.
I also want to say a big thank you to all the people we've met and who have helped us as we went through this past year. I hope we've been more of a help than a hindrance. But I'm very thankful for the DS family, and I'm expecting to stick around for year two of this journey.
One of the things I'm wanting to work on is a book about our journey. And be ready to publish it by or on our second dday anniversary. Some of the articles I've written in the news section of the Healing Through Faith group will probably be appendixes in that book. But I'm thinking if people who are not familiar with the road ahead, and maybe seeing what works in action might make an impression when just reading about it from something like Not Just Friends, will be good, but they may not experience it, that it would be a good project.
I'm not an expert sex therapist, or certified counselor who has seen countless couples like Shirley Glass. So it won't be a complete book on the subject like Not Just Friends, but if it can inspire anyone dealing with this to focus in the right areas, and how to take on attitudes that will move them forward in rebuilding, I'm thinking it would be a good book to write. And maybe it is just my drive to make these events we've had to go through be more than just our benefit, and the few we've met on DS, but minister to a wider audience. And who knows, could even turn into a ministry of sorts. That would be much further down the road, if it happens. But the issue is most people never talk about this. Our priest said some of this could help people in our own congregation who are dealing with these issues. It is crazy, that several of us in our church are going through this, but none of us know about the other. We should be helping each other out. But most don't want to say anything about it. And I'm sure what we see on DS is just the tip of the iceberg. I'm sure the majority never seek help, and just struggle through it on their own.
So that is a goal I have over this next year. By the time we reach two years, if we are still as strong or stronger as we are today, and it looks like we are heading still in the right directions, then I'll publish the book. And shortly before then, I'll be mentioning who I really am. Because I know you're all going to want to buy my books! ;)
I'm sure this is one of the things we'll be talking about this trip. Anyway, we've put one year behind us, and who knows what will be ahead for the second year. Some have more trouble during the second year, but I don't think we've been doing any rug sweeping and have been working on our issues. So I'm not expecting any surprises. And if we get any, we'll deal with them as they come. But I'm hoping by the end of this next year, that I'll have more focus for my own life and directions. And either a job or writing books full time.
Thank you all for your prayers and support over this past year. May we all fair better in the coming year as well.
To go back to my first journal entries, you can read the whole story if you want to. But it totally shook my world apart. My whole perception of my wife changed that night, so much so that at one point I admitted to myself, "I don't know who she is anymore."
That night as I spent a few hours struggling to process the reality that my wife of 29 years had been lying to me, living a hidden life from me, breaking our vows of marriage, and putting her soul into Hell's hands. I thought that where we would be by this day, could very well be divorced. Everything I'd held as solid, firm, and comfortable about our relationship suddenly was all up in the air, and I had no idea where it would come down. What directions we would go. What she would do. What i would do. I didn't know that I would make it to this day with my marriage still intact. And if I did, would we be miserable and headed in the wrong directions.
And because dday happened four days before our anniversary, and I had planned a weekend anniversary trip to a bed and breakfast, I had no idea whether to cancel the trip and reservation, or go. As it turned out, she wanted to rebuild once I confronted her later that day, around lunch time, and so we went on our trip. And while the time away from everything provided some valuable time to focus on what had happened, hash through the details and pain, and where we were going to go from there, it wasn't what I would call my preferred way to spend an anniversary. It will certainly go down in our history as the most unusual anniversary outings we have ever had.
But as it turns out, we made it. And even more than made it, are doing well in the rebuilding. Well enough that for the dday anniversary, we are reclaiming that day by celebrating our wedding anniversary.
Being our anniversary falls on next Tuesday, we could either have had our trip this weekend, or the following. At first I thought we'd do it on the following weekend. But then I thought it would be more symbolic and meaningful to celebrate our 30th anniversary on dday.
So a year later, we will be celebrating instead of fearing. Grateful instead of focusing on what we've lost. Embracing instead of crying. Praising God for his goodness to us instead of focusing on our hurts and pain.
Because our financial situation isn't great, with me being out of work, just pulled off the marriage of our daughter (with a lot of help), our son graduating in a couple of weeks, and trying to get him into college, my brother has graciously paid for a hotel stay for Friday night.
So tomorrow our plan of attack is this. She is going to finish her clients by noon, with the help of my daughter. After eating a quick lunch and packing for the trip, we are going to get a chair and put it in the living room, then she is going to sit in my lap, facing me, like she did when I confronted her a year ago about the affairs. We'll probably hug and talk a bit, though there will be people there so we can't just have an all out emotional session or anything. Then we are going to go to my computer. On it, I've saved the emails between her and her OM. It is the last vestige of any evidence of what went on back then.
Earlier that morning, maybe even after I finish this, I'm seriously thinking of reading through them one last time. I've not looked at them very much. I'd say about three or four times since dday. She thought she'd deleted them, but they were still sitting in the Trash folder. I've debated looking them over, but I think I want to be reminded of where we've came from. Where her mind was back then. If nothing else, to remember how far we've come, how far she's come.
When we go back to my computer, I'll pull up the emails. She says she doesn't want to read them. So unless she tells me otherwise, she'll just watch me delete them and they will be gone. The last substantive evidence that the affairs ever happened. Only our memories to deal with.
Then we'll pack and go to the hotel. Visit a botanical garden. Eat out, of course. Then Saturday we'll check out and drive to a nearby German tourist town, and spend the afternoon there eating lunch, visiting the shops and sites, and eating dinner at a German restaurant before heading back home.
I'm sure in some ways, the celebration will be bittersweet. Our anniversary will always remind us of the affair. And no matter how you dice it, that was a negative and earth-shattering event for our marriage. Because we did have a strong marriage, and because we used the horribleness of the affair to motivate us to fix what needed fixing, to work on ourselves and the marriage instead of letting it tear us apart, the storm of the affair has made us stronger, and more solid. We've weathered the "hurricane" and are still standing. And not only standing, but happily standing despite the losses we've endured.
I have a feeling we'll leave the computers behind, so if we get on here while we're on our trip, it will be through our cell phones, and being that's not as easy, and we'll probably be busy, I don't expect to be on the forums much after noon today. probably not until late Saturday night, maybe Sunday sometime.
I also want to say a big thank you to all the people we've met and who have helped us as we went through this past year. I hope we've been more of a help than a hindrance. But I'm very thankful for the DS family, and I'm expecting to stick around for year two of this journey.
One of the things I'm wanting to work on is a book about our journey. And be ready to publish it by or on our second dday anniversary. Some of the articles I've written in the news section of the Healing Through Faith group will probably be appendixes in that book. But I'm thinking if people who are not familiar with the road ahead, and maybe seeing what works in action might make an impression when just reading about it from something like Not Just Friends, will be good, but they may not experience it, that it would be a good project.
I'm not an expert sex therapist, or certified counselor who has seen countless couples like Shirley Glass. So it won't be a complete book on the subject like Not Just Friends, but if it can inspire anyone dealing with this to focus in the right areas, and how to take on attitudes that will move them forward in rebuilding, I'm thinking it would be a good book to write. And maybe it is just my drive to make these events we've had to go through be more than just our benefit, and the few we've met on DS, but minister to a wider audience. And who knows, could even turn into a ministry of sorts. That would be much further down the road, if it happens. But the issue is most people never talk about this. Our priest said some of this could help people in our own congregation who are dealing with these issues. It is crazy, that several of us in our church are going through this, but none of us know about the other. We should be helping each other out. But most don't want to say anything about it. And I'm sure what we see on DS is just the tip of the iceberg. I'm sure the majority never seek help, and just struggle through it on their own.
So that is a goal I have over this next year. By the time we reach two years, if we are still as strong or stronger as we are today, and it looks like we are heading still in the right directions, then I'll publish the book. And shortly before then, I'll be mentioning who I really am. Because I know you're all going to want to buy my books! ;)
I'm sure this is one of the things we'll be talking about this trip. Anyway, we've put one year behind us, and who knows what will be ahead for the second year. Some have more trouble during the second year, but I don't think we've been doing any rug sweeping and have been working on our issues. So I'm not expecting any surprises. And if we get any, we'll deal with them as they come. But I'm hoping by the end of this next year, that I'll have more focus for my own life and directions. And either a job or writing books full time.
Thank you all for your prayers and support over this past year. May we all fair better in the coming year as well.
Replies
WEll that\'s what i suggested, writing about infidelity, glad you decided to do it! You may as well! Have a good weekend, and tell Gabi, Happy Mother\'s Day, too!
I think I always figured at some point, assuming things worked out well, I would do it. But I thought I would need to wait at least 5 to 10 years before I did it. But I\'ve changed my mind on that for several reasons.
One, I got those numbers from the first book we read, by a person who was a sex addict and speaking of his recovery, and that of his marriage. That\'s how long he waited to write his book, because he didn\'t want to write it too early, have the his recovery and the marriage fail, and his information be discounted.
I figured that while his time line applied to him, it may not so strictly applied to me. Because: 1) Sexual addiction is a more long term, hard to overcome thing that one can fall back into at the drop of a hat. He needed to make sure he was \"sober\" for several years to feel like he\'d successfully overcome it enough that it had \"stuck.\" Gabi wasn\'t that drastic. 2) He was writing a complete clinical discussion on the topic, with explanations and what to do to overcome it. While my book would have some of that, I would not be trying to pass myself off as someone with a license to practice such therapy or having dealt with numerous cases to cull the experience for such a comprehensive treatment. I would state right up front it isn\'t that kind of book, but a book of our journey and what worked for us, and what I\'ve learned in seeing others in the forum go through it.
Two, Gabi and I have done better than I ever expected in this rebuilding. I was being cautious as to how long I figured this might take before I\'d be ready to say, \"We\'re solid enough I can tell the world about the affair and how we dealt with it.\" As stated above, if I\'ve come to the two year mark, and still feel as positive about our progress and future as I do now, chances are it is going to stick into the coming years. Though I will make a statement that there are no guarantees.
Three, my feeling is, even if it all fell apart a year or two after the book was published, it doesn\'t invalidate the story and the progress we made up to that point. Though, some upon hearing about it, would likely not buy the book if that happened. But that alone isn\'t the reason that once I feel the risk of that happening is very low, not to risk it.
So I realized I was applying his time lines on myself that didn\'t really apply to my situation. So I\'ve moved it up. Plus, there are some other reasons, the main one that I\'m feeling like it will be hard to get back to creative writing until I get this book out of me, or at least start working on it earnestly. I\'ve already gone a full year now with little to no new creative writing done. I\'ve written one short story and about five chapters for a new novel, that\'s it. Normally I would have had at least one, if not two, full novels written by now. The only writing I\'ve been doing much at all is non-fiction of late, and editing already written novels and work, as well as some stuff for my publisher.
Anywho, yes, I changed my plan on that. Instead of waiting at least 5 years, I decided two would be good enough for us to know we\'re doing well that it is unlikely we\'ll trip and fall on this journey. So I\'ll be working getting the book ready this next year, and hopefully have it done and ready to publish by next dday anniversary, or pretty close to it. Who knows, after a year and a half and we\'re still doing good, and it is ready, might happen sooner. We\'ll see.