One Year Anniversay

Jan. 6, 2010 that was the day the divorce was made final, and yet I still have not been allowed to remove my personal belongings from the house. Maybe this is why I have been so strange the last few days, maybe not. To get out of the house today I agreed to take Robin to a test she was taking. There was confusion over where the address was located, but I finally got her there. Then I went to my PO Box and picked up my mail. I had a letter from my lawyer, it is official I have no lawyer anymore. Amazing how fast this request was handled, but the important stuff is still pending. I wish my ex would speak to me and let me get my things out of the house, but that will never happen. I give him about a month then his lawyer will call me back into court where she will try to have my spousal support ended. And if the courts run true to form I will be penniless before the year is over. I can't believe I am almost 59 years old, with no job, no hope for a job and just days from being homeless. Today I was having chest pains, per an online program I should have gone to an ER for a doctor to determine if I am having heart problems. But I have no insurance and if I do have a heart attack it would be best if I just died. I don't think I have any kind of heart trouble, but the pain does come and go and becomes very uncomfortable. If my cancer would come back that is another way to end all of this. And yet I am supposed to be moving on. On to what? Yes I am happy to be alive, but then consciousness causes me to remember why I am where I am. Why can't I be happy the way my friends at DS seem to be. They are happy to be rid of their ex's, why can't I?Why can't I focus on the good things in my new life, maybe because they are fewer than I expected. I never thought I was divorcing my kids. I never would have done any of this if I had for one moment thought they would behave this way towards me. I would rather have died due to the neglect of their father towards me. I should have died during all those operations. I should have just said "No thanks" when they told me I had breast cancer, I would have still had my kids, until I died. Now I have no kids  and I will still die. What was the whole point of all of this? The point was my ex needed to win again. To prove he truly is in control and will always be in control of me, even with out the boundaries of marriage. To show me he controls the courts and anything is wants to control, he can lie, cheat, steal anything he wants and call of it legal and anything I say or do is illegal and mentally unstable. So be it.