One year ago, today...
Amazingly, I've not thought a ton about this of late. Maybe because I've been too busy. Or just trying to get through life.
But one year ago, my W was deep in her main affair. I say "main" because the only other that was significant relationship wise was an EA over nearly three months that ended with one episode of a BJ, and narrowly avoiding full sexual intercourse. The other guys were mostly light EAs via sex chat, and one guy she had "phone sex" with. But this man who she started seeing toward the end of March and having regular sexual intercourse with, lasted for six-seven weeks before I discovered it on May 11th.
Ironically, because our anniversary falls on the 15th, and that is in the middle of the week, we're looking at doing something special on the Friday and Saturday prior to that, which you guessed it, that Friday would be the 11th, our one year dday anniversary. Some may think me a glutton for punishment, but in a way I see it differently. One, dday will always be linked with our anniversary. So I don't see getting away from that. And two, I think this will in some form or fashion be equivalent of burying the bad memories under a good one. Redeem the day, so to speak.
Not that I expect the memories and pain of that day will ever go away, but what has worked consistently for me during this year is to redeem the event. Whether that was her going to the gym and meeting him, so I went to the gym, whether that was him going to the grocery store, Sonic, and with her to houses to help clean, spending that time with her, I did those things, in a sense erasing the value and benefit he added to those with my own.
But this is different, because I'm not reclaiming the meaning from him for my wife, but the meaning of that day for both of us. Sort of like you remember Pearl Harbor, 9/11, or some other such thing. You don't forget. You look back on that day as the day that changed everything. Some for the worse, some for the better. Some because we needed to be woken up from our lethargy and pay attention to each other.
But I think there is another reason. Maybe the real base reason. And that's because I'm so thankful for the progress we've made this year. When I discovered her affair, our whole marriage and relationship went up into the air, and I had no idea how it was going to come down. I knew she was lost, and had no idea whether we'd even be together by this point to celebrate our 30th. For the first time in our marriage, I realized that in one year, we could not be together. It was suddenly a real possibility we wouldn't make it to our 30th. And if we did, what shape we'd be in.
So this is the only year I'll be doing this. But one year ago, she was deep in the affair and its fog. She'd gone through our Holy Week and Easter service, went to confession and lied to the priest when he asked her, "Are you involved in any inappropriate relationships?" She was deep into leading a double life, and thinking she was getting away with it, that she could love two men at the same time and make it work. That she was lying to me by the sin of omission, acting like she was desperately in love with me, having sex with me every day as if I was her one and only, but I wasn't. And little did she or I know that in 9 short days from now, the excrement would hit the fan!
Then I look at where we are today. As much in love with each other as we've ever been at any other point in our marriage, and while the loss was great and the pain horrible, it served to force us to reexamining our relationship and lives, refocused us on what's important, striping away the junk that was dividing us, and giving birth to a new relationship that is deeper because it has withstood the storm and come out stronger. And most of all, she hasn't been lost to this horror, but has been redeemed.
Evil didn't win. And like the cross, a symbol of defeat, was turned into a symbol of victory, despite the suffering and pain, so too dday will be turned into a symbol of victory and triumph.
Honestly, how can I not, knowing all this, not be extremely thankful and grateful when comparing where she was a year ago with where she is now, where we are now, and not want to celebrate that victory? So instead of being just a trigger to recall the pain and loss, it is also a trigger to recall how thankful I should be, and how far we've both come down this road. And how what should have been for our demise has been turned into our strength.
My only sadness on that front is I know many people here are not there in one year's time. I know I'm the exception. I know a lot of people look at where they are in one year, and are not happy with their progress. All I can say is that I know my W and I had some advantages. What has happened with us is about as good as I could have imagined the outcome could have been, and a lot of places we'd more likely could have been that we've avoided. And in time, many of you can get there too. It just might take longer, or you'll have to overcome some more obstacles than I had to. But it can happen. With time and commitment on both parties, it can happen.
But because I do have much to be thankful for at this point, I look forward to celebrating our anniversary, even on the very dday itself. To celebrate the resurrection of our marriage, out of death to life.
But one year ago, my W was deep in her main affair. I say "main" because the only other that was significant relationship wise was an EA over nearly three months that ended with one episode of a BJ, and narrowly avoiding full sexual intercourse. The other guys were mostly light EAs via sex chat, and one guy she had "phone sex" with. But this man who she started seeing toward the end of March and having regular sexual intercourse with, lasted for six-seven weeks before I discovered it on May 11th.
Ironically, because our anniversary falls on the 15th, and that is in the middle of the week, we're looking at doing something special on the Friday and Saturday prior to that, which you guessed it, that Friday would be the 11th, our one year dday anniversary. Some may think me a glutton for punishment, but in a way I see it differently. One, dday will always be linked with our anniversary. So I don't see getting away from that. And two, I think this will in some form or fashion be equivalent of burying the bad memories under a good one. Redeem the day, so to speak.
Not that I expect the memories and pain of that day will ever go away, but what has worked consistently for me during this year is to redeem the event. Whether that was her going to the gym and meeting him, so I went to the gym, whether that was him going to the grocery store, Sonic, and with her to houses to help clean, spending that time with her, I did those things, in a sense erasing the value and benefit he added to those with my own.
But this is different, because I'm not reclaiming the meaning from him for my wife, but the meaning of that day for both of us. Sort of like you remember Pearl Harbor, 9/11, or some other such thing. You don't forget. You look back on that day as the day that changed everything. Some for the worse, some for the better. Some because we needed to be woken up from our lethargy and pay attention to each other.
But I think there is another reason. Maybe the real base reason. And that's because I'm so thankful for the progress we've made this year. When I discovered her affair, our whole marriage and relationship went up into the air, and I had no idea how it was going to come down. I knew she was lost, and had no idea whether we'd even be together by this point to celebrate our 30th. For the first time in our marriage, I realized that in one year, we could not be together. It was suddenly a real possibility we wouldn't make it to our 30th. And if we did, what shape we'd be in.
So this is the only year I'll be doing this. But one year ago, she was deep in the affair and its fog. She'd gone through our Holy Week and Easter service, went to confession and lied to the priest when he asked her, "Are you involved in any inappropriate relationships?" She was deep into leading a double life, and thinking she was getting away with it, that she could love two men at the same time and make it work. That she was lying to me by the sin of omission, acting like she was desperately in love with me, having sex with me every day as if I was her one and only, but I wasn't. And little did she or I know that in 9 short days from now, the excrement would hit the fan!
Then I look at where we are today. As much in love with each other as we've ever been at any other point in our marriage, and while the loss was great and the pain horrible, it served to force us to reexamining our relationship and lives, refocused us on what's important, striping away the junk that was dividing us, and giving birth to a new relationship that is deeper because it has withstood the storm and come out stronger. And most of all, she hasn't been lost to this horror, but has been redeemed.
Evil didn't win. And like the cross, a symbol of defeat, was turned into a symbol of victory, despite the suffering and pain, so too dday will be turned into a symbol of victory and triumph.
Honestly, how can I not, knowing all this, not be extremely thankful and grateful when comparing where she was a year ago with where she is now, where we are now, and not want to celebrate that victory? So instead of being just a trigger to recall the pain and loss, it is also a trigger to recall how thankful I should be, and how far we've both come down this road. And how what should have been for our demise has been turned into our strength.
My only sadness on that front is I know many people here are not there in one year's time. I know I'm the exception. I know a lot of people look at where they are in one year, and are not happy with their progress. All I can say is that I know my W and I had some advantages. What has happened with us is about as good as I could have imagined the outcome could have been, and a lot of places we'd more likely could have been that we've avoided. And in time, many of you can get there too. It just might take longer, or you'll have to overcome some more obstacles than I had to. But it can happen. With time and commitment on both parties, it can happen.
But because I do have much to be thankful for at this point, I look forward to celebrating our anniversary, even on the very dday itself. To celebrate the resurrection of our marriage, out of death to life.
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