One Year
Most people have a day of the year when they reflect back on events and the people they shared them with. For most people it's New Years. Day and for some it may be their birthday. Possibly for the rest of my life, mine will be March 23rd.
I remember what everyone looked like a year ago, how they acted, things that they said, at least as well as I do any other day in my past. Taking stock of where I am now is not a pretty thing. But maybe it's not bad when considered with others close to me. Who can say? One year ago today I hear a noise familiar to anyone who has lived their life near a train tracks. A locomotive had just screamed past the window when I heard it's emergency brakes. It's a unique noise, very distinguishable from the normal brakes on a train. Then I looked at my father's face and could see it in his eyes. He knew, as I did, that something must have been wrong and we looked out the window at the train, about 100 feet from the house but could see nothing except the train had come to a very abrupt stop. We discussed it, and my dad went outside for a better look. It was at that point my mother who was on the phone started crying. She was talking to my sister on the phone. My sister had heard on her scanner that someone had been hit by a train. At that point my mom wnt running out of the house screaming. She was worried it was my 18 year old nephew Andrew who had just left my parents house for a walk, wearing his MP3 player as he always did, with his music blarring. I ran behind my mother reasoning with her that there was no way anyone could have been hit, and it was likely a car or animal. My father had driven his truck ahead of us about 100 yards down the tracks to the crossing where some neighbors had gathered. I chased my mother down the road beside the tracks until she stopped in front of me screaming. We both must has seen it at the same time.
One of Andrew's running shoes was laying in the middle of the road. It was at that moment my attention turned to my parents. I reached my mother and held her up and saw neighbors gathered around my father's truck. I tried to calm my mother knowing there would be nothing I could do. I was arm's length from the train and could see things under it - things you would not want to see in a horror movie. In my mind I tried to reason it had to be a deer or anything else. I had to deal with my mother at that point. I did not know how I would get her back inside the house but knew that I had to. I guided her back a few steps as I looked at my father and felt helpless not to be able to get to him. At that point the person I am, or was, changed forever. It was at that point I saw the most horrifying thing I have ever seen and could ever imagine. On the other side of the train at the railroad crossing my sister had pulled up in her car, gotten out, and collapsed in agony on the road. I coud not get to her, and even if the train was not there I was still holding up my mother. I saw my sister with a look on her face I see in nightmares at night - the look of a mother who had just lost a child. In that second I knew he life would never be the same.
An hour later I had my parents in the house, surrounded by most of our family and neighbors. The kitchen was now full of food and cases of drinks that came pouring in immediatly. There was also that damned crossing bell, still sounding. I could not take any more and went screaming out of the house, yelling at anyone who could make the bells stop ringing.
Of course, living by the railroad I hear them every day now, and every two hours a train goes screaming past. I have to drive over that road, the place where we found Andrew's body. Every single day. So I guess you know I am spilling my guts here for support. Well, yes, but also because I know most of you have MP3 players, and have kids that use them with ear buds. DO NOT hesitate telling anyone the dangers of wearing them in traffic areas. Talk to your kids. Remind them to keep the volume down and remind them NEVER to wear ear buds while they are near any kind of traffic. Tell them about Andrew.
In one year I have seen my parents age 20 years. I always bragged about the fact that my 71 year old father could still whip me in any sport. Now my 72 year old father is frail. A year ago I saw my sister and the smile is automatic. Now I see a mother whose child's life ended horribly and try to stay composed so she will not think I pity her. A year ago I did not worry about my two small nieces much. Today I watch them carefully and wonder how bad the pain is for them. And today for the first time in my life I am afraid to look in a mirror because I know I will not like the changes I see in me.
I remember what everyone looked like a year ago, how they acted, things that they said, at least as well as I do any other day in my past. Taking stock of where I am now is not a pretty thing. But maybe it's not bad when considered with others close to me. Who can say? One year ago today I hear a noise familiar to anyone who has lived their life near a train tracks. A locomotive had just screamed past the window when I heard it's emergency brakes. It's a unique noise, very distinguishable from the normal brakes on a train. Then I looked at my father's face and could see it in his eyes. He knew, as I did, that something must have been wrong and we looked out the window at the train, about 100 feet from the house but could see nothing except the train had come to a very abrupt stop. We discussed it, and my dad went outside for a better look. It was at that point my mother who was on the phone started crying. She was talking to my sister on the phone. My sister had heard on her scanner that someone had been hit by a train. At that point my mom wnt running out of the house screaming. She was worried it was my 18 year old nephew Andrew who had just left my parents house for a walk, wearing his MP3 player as he always did, with his music blarring. I ran behind my mother reasoning with her that there was no way anyone could have been hit, and it was likely a car or animal. My father had driven his truck ahead of us about 100 yards down the tracks to the crossing where some neighbors had gathered. I chased my mother down the road beside the tracks until she stopped in front of me screaming. We both must has seen it at the same time.
One of Andrew's running shoes was laying in the middle of the road. It was at that moment my attention turned to my parents. I reached my mother and held her up and saw neighbors gathered around my father's truck. I tried to calm my mother knowing there would be nothing I could do. I was arm's length from the train and could see things under it - things you would not want to see in a horror movie. In my mind I tried to reason it had to be a deer or anything else. I had to deal with my mother at that point. I did not know how I would get her back inside the house but knew that I had to. I guided her back a few steps as I looked at my father and felt helpless not to be able to get to him. At that point the person I am, or was, changed forever. It was at that point I saw the most horrifying thing I have ever seen and could ever imagine. On the other side of the train at the railroad crossing my sister had pulled up in her car, gotten out, and collapsed in agony on the road. I coud not get to her, and even if the train was not there I was still holding up my mother. I saw my sister with a look on her face I see in nightmares at night - the look of a mother who had just lost a child. In that second I knew he life would never be the same.
An hour later I had my parents in the house, surrounded by most of our family and neighbors. The kitchen was now full of food and cases of drinks that came pouring in immediatly. There was also that damned crossing bell, still sounding. I could not take any more and went screaming out of the house, yelling at anyone who could make the bells stop ringing.
Of course, living by the railroad I hear them every day now, and every two hours a train goes screaming past. I have to drive over that road, the place where we found Andrew's body. Every single day. So I guess you know I am spilling my guts here for support. Well, yes, but also because I know most of you have MP3 players, and have kids that use them with ear buds. DO NOT hesitate telling anyone the dangers of wearing them in traffic areas. Talk to your kids. Remind them to keep the volume down and remind them NEVER to wear ear buds while they are near any kind of traffic. Tell them about Andrew.
In one year I have seen my parents age 20 years. I always bragged about the fact that my 71 year old father could still whip me in any sport. Now my 72 year old father is frail. A year ago I saw my sister and the smile is automatic. Now I see a mother whose child's life ended horribly and try to stay composed so she will not think I pity her. A year ago I did not worry about my two small nieces much. Today I watch them carefully and wonder how bad the pain is for them. And today for the first time in my life I am afraid to look in a mirror because I know I will not like the changes I see in me.
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