One Year
Okay it's here! I am completely amazed at how fast it went, it doesn't feel right, it feels like I'm experiencing some sort of time warp that I hear other people talk about and I always thing, yeah, RIIIIIGHT... but it's true, sometimes Time does weird stuff. It honestly, HONESTLY feels like 3 or 4 months, not a year... "I know we've only known each other four weeks and three days, but to me it seems like nine weeks and five days. The first day seemed like a week and the second day seemed like five days. And the third day seemed like a week again and the fourth day seemed like eight days. And the fifth day you went to see your mother and that seemed just like a day, and then you came back and later on the sixth day, in the evening, when we saw each other, that started seeming like two days, so in the evening it seemed like two days spilling over into the next day and that started seeming like four days, so at the end of the sixth day on into the seventh day, it seemed like a total of five days. And the sixth day seemed like a week and a half"... steve martin "the jerk"I'm looking over my wordpress journal from this time last year, reading what led up to my Recovery date, and what occured after... how did I get through it, all the things that went on in that year... things I'd forgotten... I'm so blessed to have found journaling, how else would I know how far I've come, because it's certainly not retained in my memory. Reading back through it all makes it seem more and more like a whole year now... I've heard of people reaching the One Year Mark, and relapsing, because they couldn't see how their life was any better for it. That thought has scared the piss outta me, for the past couple months... As I struggle, and as my family issues morph and change and slide and TANK at times... My fear for my daughters, my hopes, my dreams for them... I've had to shelf all that. And deal with the reality of NOW. Get them through NOW. Get me through NOW. I'm a much better mother, friend, and advocate for those girls, now that I am sober. I can never use the ups and downs of their situations as an excuse to relapse. I have to follow the logic of it: Me - alcohol= Capable,strong person. It's beautifully simple. Friends. I have friends now. Really, really good friends. I'm open. I'm available. I'm honest, supportive, funny, and generous. The only thing I was before, is "funny". The rest of those things are all new to me. Especially generosity. I had no clue. Not a clue how good it feels to give of myself, my time, my heart, my money, my efforts, my strength, even my silly little muscles... I am learning more and more each day, how to follow that path with a clear heart, mind, and conscience. Holy shit, I've never had a thought like that in my life. ( that's one of my favorite Elaine Boosler quotes.) I've actually been having tons and tons of thoughts like that. This time last year I posted a picture on my journal, and declared WAR. The picture was Mel Gibson in Braveheart. The War was against... well... no, rather, it was a war FOR something, not against... I was headed into battle, fighting FOR something. I had no idea what I was facing, things sorta revealed themselves to me, unfolded, over time..But I was headed in a direction, and I knew I'd need that warpaint and that battle cry! I am better. I am so much better now. I thank God for everything that led me to this place, and the strength to keep going. I made this goal, one year of sobriety. It helped me, IMMEASURABLY, to have a goal, and to see that number sometimes, to watch it grow... And so I am celebrating my VICTORY today, by setting another goal. I've seen how far I could come in ONE year. Imagine what I could do in TEN... Ten years sounds... well... like a loooooooong time. But look how fast one year went by...
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