one week and 3 days
I haven't drank in one week and three days after I had a meltdown and realized I couldn't handle alcohol any more. Don't get me wrong, I could put it away with the best of them, but I was putting it away to deal with emotions, stress and any little thing that I thought was worth drinking over. After 13 years of drinking on a regular basis and to self-medicate, I have found it hard to not pick up a bottle and pour it down my throat just because something enters my mind and makes me feel uneasy.
I quit drinking because I chased away someone I cared about. I had treated her like a princess for three months and all of the sudden I'm a drunken asshole on the phone demanding that she come see me (according to my friends) after she had cancelled some plans with me. The more alcohol I put in me, the worse I talked. I said some things that no man should ever say to a woman (again, according to my friends) and I have never felt worse about anything I have ever done. I'm not depressed over the relationship ending, I was more depressed on how I had let myself slip so far into my drinking that I could blackout, treat someone I really cared about so badly that I care about and screw up everything and have to wake up and try to fix everything. This time a lot of things were unfixable. I have no talked to her after that evening, even though I tried to. But I understand her not wanting to talk to me and I have not tried again.
In recalling all of my past experiences similar to this last one, I have counted up that due to drinking I have been to jail, fought friends, lost friends due to these fights, embarassed my family, been considered a nice guy who "drinks too much" by dates, lost girlfriends due to drunken episodes, damaged my own property, damaged myself and hurt others. I used to think "screw it, if they don't like it, I don't need them", but now I'm looking around and I have very few friends and a lot of enemies. In recounting the positives that have come out of drunken episodes, I actually managed to start a relationship after blacking out at a party, I've had some laughs and a few one night stands... thats it. The negatives outweigh the positives by a lot.
Rethinking about all of this has made me want to drink more than ever. I'm fighting the temptation to try to suppress those memories and thoughts with booze. AA has helped me not drink and I can't wait until my next meeting. I'm hanging in there but this is a lot harder than I ever expected.
I quit drinking because I chased away someone I cared about. I had treated her like a princess for three months and all of the sudden I'm a drunken asshole on the phone demanding that she come see me (according to my friends) after she had cancelled some plans with me. The more alcohol I put in me, the worse I talked. I said some things that no man should ever say to a woman (again, according to my friends) and I have never felt worse about anything I have ever done. I'm not depressed over the relationship ending, I was more depressed on how I had let myself slip so far into my drinking that I could blackout, treat someone I really cared about so badly that I care about and screw up everything and have to wake up and try to fix everything. This time a lot of things were unfixable. I have no talked to her after that evening, even though I tried to. But I understand her not wanting to talk to me and I have not tried again.
In recalling all of my past experiences similar to this last one, I have counted up that due to drinking I have been to jail, fought friends, lost friends due to these fights, embarassed my family, been considered a nice guy who "drinks too much" by dates, lost girlfriends due to drunken episodes, damaged my own property, damaged myself and hurt others. I used to think "screw it, if they don't like it, I don't need them", but now I'm looking around and I have very few friends and a lot of enemies. In recounting the positives that have come out of drunken episodes, I actually managed to start a relationship after blacking out at a party, I've had some laughs and a few one night stands... thats it. The negatives outweigh the positives by a lot.
Rethinking about all of this has made me want to drink more than ever. I'm fighting the temptation to try to suppress those memories and thoughts with booze. AA has helped me not drink and I can't wait until my next meeting. I'm hanging in there but this is a lot harder than I ever expected.
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