One step closer.

  It's late and all I can seem to think about is what I've felt in the past four years. Pain. And though feeling pain is such a burden towards everything I do, I know in my heart just how much happiness I've felt in the past four years as well. One of the things I wanted to do this year, or not do I should say.. is be bitter about being in pain. I think being bitter destroys and rips away everything else that is good in your life, at least in mine. It becomes a domino effect that you cannot compete with. Last year I had a heavy weight on my heart, wishing I could feel anything, other than the pain that stole every ounce of love, happiness, and hope I had. And then I realized I'm happy. I have my moments, where the anger of being in pain everyday rules all, but the way I react to my anger is what changes everything. I guess in a way, I've been putting my best foot forward in all that I do, because the last thing I want is to look back on being young and remember just how bitter, angry, and unhappy I was, when the truth is, I'm so blessed and lucky. I have amazing people in my life, I have a future, and it's almost sad that as a human being, it took a devistating situation to make me realize and be thankful for all of that. Though I do have the anger and frustration of having to deal with this everyday, I want nothing more than to have something, other than having this steal every part of me. I felt so lost last year and I'm starting to feel like I have control. Feeling out of control is not a good way to live, nor did I want to wake up to that feeling everyday. I left my night class tonight around 10 p.m. and I was hurting. I walked to my car, took a deep breath, and thought to myself, it's okay, it's okay, it's going to be okay. And I continued on. It blows my mind to have so much pain I'm feeling and at the same time, have so much love in my heart.