One step back .........

I know I am being a bit silly but it feels bad anyway. I visited my friend today to let her know how excited I am about my flying voucher. She's my best friend and has been on holiday for a few weeks so was great to see her. While I was there she showed me her wedding dress for the coming event. the dress is amazngly beautiful and she looks stunning in it. I am so pleased that its all coming together for her but my inner emotions were sad. I know how stupid it is. She is my best friend and I love her to bits but for a moment my own selfish needs were all I could feel. She has a great man in her life and she is a great lady with three great kids.  But I couldn't stop myself from feeling 'when will it be my turn?'  I have never thought like this with her before. I feel awful that I am being envious and thats wrong and that I am also being self pitying and stupid. I know one day it may happen for me too. I just wish I wasn't so far away from it. I'm not just single and looking for a guy. I'm dysfunctional and need to deal with that first. But how much I wish I was just normal. And I feel so tired of having to deal with the crap that other people left me with. BA****DS! Not only do they seem to ruin my relationships with men but now they are able to influence how I feel with my very best friend. Well I won't let you! I won't let you do this any more!! You already took over twenty years your not getting more!  This is MY mind and MY body and you are not welcome! I won't let you in! You will never win; ever. I am stronger than this and I am better than any crap you left me with. I CAN love my friends and share in their happiness like they will share mine. And right now, while I am healing, they are showing me all the greatness that is in store for me when I am ready to really appreciate it. It is tiring to keep fighting off the past and sieving through the crap but that is currently my job and when I am at the end of this I can have me all to myself, then I will be free to share me with another wonder person. Battle over - abusers =0 me= 1        GO ME!!!