One step at a time
That freight train at the end of the tunnel....the one with the light that tricked me into thinking there was hope, it is still headed my way but it is a long ways up the tunnel. I have time to make wise choices...to choose which direction I will go in.
Yesterday I met up with a family member I have not seen in a long time. She had no idea the changes that had happened since we last saw each other. She knew I have Lupus but didn't know about the Sjogren's. She knew I had some issues with joint pain and fatigue, but had no idea how bad it had gotten. She saw my new walk courtesy of joint pain and the resulting loss of range of motion. She watched me move and asked me how I have the strength and courage to keep going like this.
For a long time, people have been telling me how strong I am. They are in awe that I still work full time and am raising three young kids. That I maintain a fairly clean home all while being in constant pain and fatigue. I thought they were just being patronizing.
I am tired of always trying to predict my future. Only seeing pain, loss of my career that I worked very hard to get, a wheel chair, reliance on others for basic needs. It is depressing!!
My family member asked me how I had the courage and strength to keep going and before I knew what I was saying I responded "I just take each day one at a time, each step on at a time". I realized in that moment that is what I need to do. Just take each step one at a time and stop thinking about what the future hold. I may have a wheel chair in my future, but if I am upright and walking (even if it is a painful and strange gait) it is a good day! If a wheel chair is in my future, I will deal with that when the time comes. If disability is in my future I will deal with that when the time comes. I may not be able to run with my kids or walk the entire zoo or ride a bike in the park with them, but I can sit and watch them laugh and have fun. I may not be able to spend the day at the beach with them because the sun will kill me, but I can take them to the pool for a couple hours and maybe even get in the water for a bit.
I am taking each step one at a time today. I don't feel well and my joints hurt, but I am upright!!
Yesterday I met up with a family member I have not seen in a long time. She had no idea the changes that had happened since we last saw each other. She knew I have Lupus but didn't know about the Sjogren's. She knew I had some issues with joint pain and fatigue, but had no idea how bad it had gotten. She saw my new walk courtesy of joint pain and the resulting loss of range of motion. She watched me move and asked me how I have the strength and courage to keep going like this.
For a long time, people have been telling me how strong I am. They are in awe that I still work full time and am raising three young kids. That I maintain a fairly clean home all while being in constant pain and fatigue. I thought they were just being patronizing.
I am tired of always trying to predict my future. Only seeing pain, loss of my career that I worked very hard to get, a wheel chair, reliance on others for basic needs. It is depressing!!
My family member asked me how I had the courage and strength to keep going and before I knew what I was saying I responded "I just take each day one at a time, each step on at a time". I realized in that moment that is what I need to do. Just take each step one at a time and stop thinking about what the future hold. I may have a wheel chair in my future, but if I am upright and walking (even if it is a painful and strange gait) it is a good day! If a wheel chair is in my future, I will deal with that when the time comes. If disability is in my future I will deal with that when the time comes. I may not be able to run with my kids or walk the entire zoo or ride a bike in the park with them, but I can sit and watch them laugh and have fun. I may not be able to spend the day at the beach with them because the sun will kill me, but I can take them to the pool for a couple hours and maybe even get in the water for a bit.
I am taking each step one at a time today. I don't feel well and my joints hurt, but I am upright!!
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