One month anniversary
One month ago today I delivered my angel son James Michael. He was our first child and it took 3 1/2 years to conceive him through IVF. My pregnancy was the happiest time in my life, even though I could have done without the peeing and sore legs. Everyday I just knew my baby which I had been waiting for for 33 years was on his way. I had no complications and James was always very active. On the day before he was due I had an ultrasound to see how long to let the pregnancy go on. The tech left me in the room for a half hour. Never did I once think anything was wrong. My doctor came running into the room and said something was wrong. She would not tell me what until she looked on the ultrasound. Then my world ended. She said the baby had no heartbeat. The really bad thing is that I was just at the dr's the day before and he did have a heartbeat. Something killed him in 24 hours and they don't know what. I carried him for 278 days and on the 279th something took his life. I will never feel like my complete self again for the rest of my life.
I just went into James' room and went through his little socks, clothes and toys we got for his first christmas presents. This is so hard. My son, just like all of your children, deserved a chance to live, to smile and laugh. I would have given him a great life and he would have been a happy little boy. I don't understand why he was taken. I am going to be 34 soon and have no children. All I've ever wanted to be was a mother. I have 6 frozen embryos but can't get pregnant for a while b/c I had a c section. I am now exhausted from crying!
Does anyone have any advice on how to get through these anniversaries?
I just went into James' room and went through his little socks, clothes and toys we got for his first christmas presents. This is so hard. My son, just like all of your children, deserved a chance to live, to smile and laugh. I would have given him a great life and he would have been a happy little boy. I don't understand why he was taken. I am going to be 34 soon and have no children. All I've ever wanted to be was a mother. I have 6 frozen embryos but can't get pregnant for a while b/c I had a c section. I am now exhausted from crying!
Does anyone have any advice on how to get through these anniversaries?
Replies
I wish I had the magic words that make them better, but I don\'t. Brenna\'s one-month angelversary was on Jan. 11. All day I told myself that the worst already happened when we lost her and that milestones are just dates. But the milestone opened the wounds afresh. I ended up crying in bed, cradling the little box containing her urn and staring at her picture for hours. That helped me at least get it out. But it hurt. And still does.
I don\'t understand why any of our babies are lost. It is unfair and tragic that they are denied life and we are denied the opportunity to share it with them.
I know this isn\'t the parenting role you envisioned. That any of us envisioned. I hope and pray that when you are ready, those precious embryos become your precious rainbows and you get to be the mother you\'ve dreamed about being.