One Moment More
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j_jG2SXlkpU&feature=related
I would love it if you would listen to that song... it's by Mindy Smith, and was written for her step mother who was dying of breast cancer. It's so beautiful. Joanie suggested the Orange Sky song which I just love, also. <3 thank you Joanie. It's beautiful. My heart aches for the short lives of our beautiful children. The cookie does crumble sometimes.
Like many of you whose kids were late bloomers or always giving you something to worry about along with something to love, I still have so much of my heart that is meant for Andy. I really wanted to see him live long enough to find peace and fulfilling purpose... for himself. I'm glad I didn't make that the basis for my unconditional love but I'm just so sad for his having to let go of the rope before reaching his purpose in the world.
I always thought he would find a job or calling that would bring all his amazing talents into focus. He was a man of culture: food, wine, theatre, music, art, cities, governments... with so much tenderness for the experience of one wino, one sad kid... it killed him to see anyone mistreated. He was mistaken for gay many times and beat up a few times. It made him so angry. When he was going through some outrage over being terminally ill, his anger at the whole world came to a boiling point a few times... just too much injustice to be borne. He would say, "I love the world but I hate the world, Mum. I don't know how much more I can take."
Sometimes I wonder if he was never really meant to live a long life... he had sort of stopped evolving and maybe even lived beyond what he was meant to be??? He totalled a car when he was 18 and never drove again. He never knew how to plan in time or space. He was all about people. But I don't think our lives are fated or scripted by an external force. It's just that there was something about Andy that was so not about being an adult. So I wonder. Then I feel a little bad about it. Of course he wanted to live a whole long life! And just because he was a gigantic source of stress for me doesn't mean I didn't want him around.
I know none of what I feel has anything to do with why he died. I think maybe I'm just going through old feelings the way I need to go through the clothes in his closet and make peace with them. There will be sobs and sniffles and a few sighs. breathe in love, breathe out peace.
Andy's beautiful little wife is coming up to Maine next week. I can't wait to hold her. She is what's left -- she and Byron and Caitlin, and each is so beautiful and precious. I'm feeling like I don't want to be alone so much.
Thank you for reading my rambly thoughts. Just a teary mummy day here. I'm going out for dinner and movie with a friend. Sounds perfect.
xox sarah
I would love it if you would listen to that song... it's by Mindy Smith, and was written for her step mother who was dying of breast cancer. It's so beautiful. Joanie suggested the Orange Sky song which I just love, also. <3 thank you Joanie. It's beautiful. My heart aches for the short lives of our beautiful children. The cookie does crumble sometimes.
Like many of you whose kids were late bloomers or always giving you something to worry about along with something to love, I still have so much of my heart that is meant for Andy. I really wanted to see him live long enough to find peace and fulfilling purpose... for himself. I'm glad I didn't make that the basis for my unconditional love but I'm just so sad for his having to let go of the rope before reaching his purpose in the world.
I always thought he would find a job or calling that would bring all his amazing talents into focus. He was a man of culture: food, wine, theatre, music, art, cities, governments... with so much tenderness for the experience of one wino, one sad kid... it killed him to see anyone mistreated. He was mistaken for gay many times and beat up a few times. It made him so angry. When he was going through some outrage over being terminally ill, his anger at the whole world came to a boiling point a few times... just too much injustice to be borne. He would say, "I love the world but I hate the world, Mum. I don't know how much more I can take."
Sometimes I wonder if he was never really meant to live a long life... he had sort of stopped evolving and maybe even lived beyond what he was meant to be??? He totalled a car when he was 18 and never drove again. He never knew how to plan in time or space. He was all about people. But I don't think our lives are fated or scripted by an external force. It's just that there was something about Andy that was so not about being an adult. So I wonder. Then I feel a little bad about it. Of course he wanted to live a whole long life! And just because he was a gigantic source of stress for me doesn't mean I didn't want him around.
I know none of what I feel has anything to do with why he died. I think maybe I'm just going through old feelings the way I need to go through the clothes in his closet and make peace with them. There will be sobs and sniffles and a few sighs. breathe in love, breathe out peace.
Andy's beautiful little wife is coming up to Maine next week. I can't wait to hold her. She is what's left -- she and Byron and Caitlin, and each is so beautiful and precious. I'm feeling like I don't want to be alone so much.
Thank you for reading my rambly thoughts. Just a teary mummy day here. I'm going out for dinner and movie with a friend. Sounds perfect.
xox sarah
Replies
Thank you for the beautiful song. I cried as I listened.
Thank you also for the glimpse of Andy. If there is a heaven, Andy and Lisa are comparing notes! Lisa was a bit of a wild child as a teenager. She did many things in her short life and I have also thought that perhaps she was never meant to have a long life. She lived with such intensity.
I understand the teary Mummy part. I seem to be one daily!
Enjoy supper. It is Thanksgiving here in the Great White North. The turkey is in the oven - another special day without Lisa.
Enjoy the movie and dinner.
Hugs,
Marlene - Lisa\'s Mum
Beautiful song ....Andy sounds alot like Dave a late bloomer always out to help the underdog human or animal. I always worried though because he tempted fate so often, he loved big trucks and motercycles but I was beginning to think he made it to 33 so we were okay who knew...
He wanted to act and did a few things when younger, that was his dream but he went to work for his Dad instead. He still had the dream and talked often to me about it....how I wish he was still here to pursue it!
I tried to do the little speech for Thanksgiving Dinner and only got halfway through so I guess we are all teary Mommies.Have a nice evening.
Marilyn
\"One moment more\" - the song is beautiful and oh how I wish there was a chance to have one moment more - peace to you and peace for Andy. Truly your friend, BarbaraWawa
I was told my son wouldn\'t live when he was born. Then with accidents and health scares, always worried too much about this one. I do think Andy would have put it together, maybe a few times, different directions, it\'s really a shame he left so young. I would have loved to have known him. At least my Yaakov left two children. i know they suffer without him, but it consoles us a little to see him in them. We work so hard to keep our kids, healthy and well and with us. It\'s too sad, really. Big embrace to you.
one moment more i have never heard it before. who sang it? but i would love to have one more moment with my seet daughter i miss her still after 8 years. bless your son he is not suffering any more just like my daughter she suffered so much and her husbansdied of cancer 4 years before her, he also suffered. god bless our children hugs zzz
Dear Sarah, I ponder things too. Eddie was often unsettled. Couldn\'t sleep; always restless. Depressed. He was the happiest when he spent time with his children. The year prior to his passing he was more content with his life. He appreciated his job, his friends, had been seeing someone, (nothing serious, just companionship), loved me & adored his kids & their relationship. That is a gift; to see him more content. I just feel sad that it wasn\'t longer. Just one year and then his heart attack. I wonder why he didn\'t have longer to appreciate life? I envision our children now being fulfilled. Happy. Blessed. I hope you have a relaxing and peaceful night. Love to you and Andy. Linda, Ed\'s mom
I continue to hear Doug tell me even a month before he died that \"This is my path...\" Those exact same words were heard just a few weeks ago again. Sometimes I think this might have happened for our evolvement this time around and that they didn\'t \"need\" as long a time on earth as we need? Just thought and feelings that are stirring within me these last few months. The numbness begins to slowly fade and the reality of our lives now without our beautiful children to hug and to hold is in front of us and for me it\'s been, \"How do I learn how to have Douglas in my life now in this new way?\" I\'m trying to learn and allow him to show me the way. It\'s surreal on so many levels and I\'ve found my heartstrings pulled so tightly when I see mothers with their sons about his age... I just want to run up to them and say all kinds of things... Hoping the visit with Andy\'s wife feels like a soothing balm to your hurt and that you know how much understanding and love there is here for you. We are all sisters of the heart. I listened to the song too. The words were everything that I suppose we each feel again and again and again. Love to you dear Sarah and so much understanding. XO Joanie
Dear Sarah,
Your thoughts about Andy resonate so much with me. I have had similar thoughts about Jon. So bright, so talented, but never really found his way. Jon also stopped driving in his early 20s. And he looked so young, he was still being \"carded\" until he was nearly 40! Yet, even as a toddler, he seemed like what some call \"an old soul.\" I\'ll bet Andy did too. I don\'t know why some mature later in some ways and why some live shorter lives. It\'s a mystery. And we do have to go through these thoughts as we ponder our sons and their lives and our love for them. I do believe its all good in that sense. With love to you friend, Linda
Sarah, I have this cd by Mindy Smith...sucha smooth and innocent girl voice...my reason for buying it a few years ago was the \"Come To Jesus\" song....more meaningful to me now than ever. I love reading your entries about your wonderful son....we just can\'t begin to understand a life interrupted. Brandon was gifted and intelligent with a passion for so many things that he could not focus fully on just one thing. I somehow think that his real purpose is to be continued.....as is Andy....in the heavens above. Think on the good and with the satisfaction that God chose you to be Andy\'s loving mother. What an honor that has been. Have a good time at the movies where fiction is a minor distraction.....love, dale...brandon\'s mom
I cried as I listened to this hauntingly beautiful song. Somehow, I raised two gentle sons and sometimes, I wish that I had been able to raise two boys with less passion for life, love and music. Maybe just made them a bit stronger for life as it really is. But would I really change who they are/were? No. My youngest son\'s song for his dead brother says \"Have you come to see me, To show me your wings?, Did you see me Smile? Could you hear me sing?\". I love these gentle creatures that I raised. We have a host of them together in heaven! Hugs, Belinda