One Moment More
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j_jG2SXlkpU&feature=related
I would love it if you would listen to that song... it's by Mindy Smith, and was written for her step mother who was dying of breast cancer. It's so beautiful. Joanie suggested the Orange Sky song which I just love, also. <3 thank you Joanie. It's beautiful. My heart aches for the short lives of our beautiful children. The cookie does crumble sometimes.
Like many of you whose kids were late bloomers or always giving you something to worry about along with something to love, I still have so much of my heart that is meant for Andy. I really wanted to see him live long enough to find peace and fulfilling purpose... for himself. I'm glad I didn't make that the basis for my unconditional love but I'm just so sad for his having to let go of the rope before reaching his purpose in the world.
I always thought he would find a job or calling that would bring all his amazing talents into focus. He was a man of culture: food, wine, theatre, music, art, cities, governments... with so much tenderness for the experience of one wino, one sad kid... it killed him to see anyone mistreated. He was mistaken for gay many times and beat up a few times. It made him so angry. When he was going through some outrage over being terminally ill, his anger at the whole world came to a boiling point a few times... just too much injustice to be borne. He would say, "I love the world but I hate the world, Mum. I don't know how much more I can take."
Sometimes I wonder if he was never really meant to live a long life... he had sort of stopped evolving and maybe even lived beyond what he was meant to be??? He totalled a car when he was 18 and never drove again. He never knew how to plan in time or space. He was all about people. But I don't think our lives are fated or scripted by an external force. It's just that there was something about Andy that was so not about being an adult. So I wonder. Then I feel a little bad about it. Of course he wanted to live a whole long life! And just because he was a gigantic source of stress for me doesn't mean I didn't want him around.
I know none of what I feel has anything to do with why he died. I think maybe I'm just going through old feelings the way I need to go through the clothes in his closet and make peace with them. There will be sobs and sniffles and a few sighs. breathe in love, breathe out peace.
Andy's beautiful little wife is coming up to Maine next week. I can't wait to hold her. She is what's left -- she and Byron and Caitlin, and each is so beautiful and precious. I'm feeling like I don't want to be alone so much.
Thank you for reading my rambly thoughts. Just a teary mummy day here. I'm going out for dinner and movie with a friend. Sounds perfect.
xox sarah
I would love it if you would listen to that song... it's by Mindy Smith, and was written for her step mother who was dying of breast cancer. It's so beautiful. Joanie suggested the Orange Sky song which I just love, also. <3 thank you Joanie. It's beautiful. My heart aches for the short lives of our beautiful children. The cookie does crumble sometimes.
Like many of you whose kids were late bloomers or always giving you something to worry about along with something to love, I still have so much of my heart that is meant for Andy. I really wanted to see him live long enough to find peace and fulfilling purpose... for himself. I'm glad I didn't make that the basis for my unconditional love but I'm just so sad for his having to let go of the rope before reaching his purpose in the world.
I always thought he would find a job or calling that would bring all his amazing talents into focus. He was a man of culture: food, wine, theatre, music, art, cities, governments... with so much tenderness for the experience of one wino, one sad kid... it killed him to see anyone mistreated. He was mistaken for gay many times and beat up a few times. It made him so angry. When he was going through some outrage over being terminally ill, his anger at the whole world came to a boiling point a few times... just too much injustice to be borne. He would say, "I love the world but I hate the world, Mum. I don't know how much more I can take."
Sometimes I wonder if he was never really meant to live a long life... he had sort of stopped evolving and maybe even lived beyond what he was meant to be??? He totalled a car when he was 18 and never drove again. He never knew how to plan in time or space. He was all about people. But I don't think our lives are fated or scripted by an external force. It's just that there was something about Andy that was so not about being an adult. So I wonder. Then I feel a little bad about it. Of course he wanted to live a whole long life! And just because he was a gigantic source of stress for me doesn't mean I didn't want him around.
I know none of what I feel has anything to do with why he died. I think maybe I'm just going through old feelings the way I need to go through the clothes in his closet and make peace with them. There will be sobs and sniffles and a few sighs. breathe in love, breathe out peace.
Andy's beautiful little wife is coming up to Maine next week. I can't wait to hold her. She is what's left -- she and Byron and Caitlin, and each is so beautiful and precious. I'm feeling like I don't want to be alone so much.
Thank you for reading my rambly thoughts. Just a teary mummy day here. I'm going out for dinner and movie with a friend. Sounds perfect.
xox sarah
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