One Month

Today is one month since we found out Madeline had no heartbeat. Tomorrow will be one month since I delivered. It does not feel like it has been that long. It is funny to think that just a month ago my husband and I we're making plans to go see a movie while we were waiting to hear the results of our ultrasound not thinking our life would be flipped upside down and our dreams shattered. It seems so silly and trivial now that seeing a movie was something important to us. This has been the hardest month of our lives but we are still strong and love each other more everyday. It has gotten easier as the days have gone by and we are starting to feel normal and find happiness in things we do together. Although I do have overwhelming guilty feelings for starting to feel happy again. I sometimes feel like maybe I am feeling happy too soon. I know that is a silly thing to feel guilty about. My husband and I have also started talking about TTC again once my Dr gives me the all clear. I have mixed feelings about this as well. I desperately want a child and so does he, we are not afraid to try again, but I am afraid that I will have another stillborn and have to go through the pain and loss again. I am also excited about the idea of giving my little Madeline a little brother or sister and I am not going to let my fear of another loss consume me and keep me from having my rainbow baby.