One month

Today is one month since my husband passed away.  The memories are buried inside me and it hurts so much to remember what it was like.  I remember getting a call that he was not doing well since the rehab center would not let me stay overnight.  They would allow me to have someone stay but not the wife so I had hired a girl to be there with him at night when I left.  I had stayed with him until 11:30pm the night before.  At 6:00 am I got a call that the girl had called my sister since she was closer to the rehab that my husband was not doing well and to please go there.  My sister called and I rushed out of my house to go over on my way there I got a call from the rehab center telling me that when they went to check on him he was not responding and they did CPR and called 911 but he was pronounced dead at 6:10 am due to a cardiac arrest.  I turned back home since I was close by to wake up my daughter and son and tell them what had happened.  It was so heartbreaking.  My son then left with me to the rehab center and we went in to see him.  He had a beautiful smile on his face like he was happy to leave this world and all the pain behind.  I cried because I could not believe that he had left me.  I fainted and they had to call 911.  My kids panicked because they saw what happened to me.  My family got there and my sister called the mortuary to pick up the body since everything had been arranged before due to his condition.  Due to it being a holiday they could not locate the doctor to sign the death certificate therefore he could not be buried until the following Saturday.  July 4th, 2009 is a day that my kids and I will never forget.  July 4th will never be the same for us.  My husband knew that I am very forgetful with dates therefore he made sure that I will always remember this day.  This is the day he got his independence from this earth and from the illness he suffered.  The rest of that day became blur for me.  I remember being taken to my mom's house and my kids being there.  My hands started getting numb and they started massaging me.  My pressure started going up ( I don't have pressure problems) and they started monitoring me.  There was always someone in the room with me.  People started arriving and I feel asleep due to some tea and other things that were given to me.  My kids were scared and in pain.  I could not believe this had happen.  I still question what happen and how did this happen.  It is one month since I last saw him alive and the pain is getting bigger and bigger.  I love him and miss him so much.  I want to tell him how much I love him and miss him.  I want to hug him and never let him go.  I love him so much.  How do I continue without him?  How do I find strenght to keep going?  He was my strenght and love.  Life is so unfair.  I miss him and want him beside me.  People say he is beside me but I don't feel him.  I want to dream him and I cannot.  Why God can I not dream him?  Tell him God that I love him and miss him.  Give him his angel wings so he can come and see me.  God I don't understand why please let me understand.  I know he is in a better place but I need him to let me know.  I want him to come and tell me that he is with his loved ones.  God I love him and I miss him please take good  care of him.  Life without him seems so unfair, please God let me get back my faith and give me hope that I will meet him someday.  I love him so much