ONE DAY I WILL BE OK ... RIGHT?
why why why do i do this to myself .. why do i keep spending all my money on this stupid kid who doesnt even love mee... amd uses amd abusees mee i seriously jsut dont get it ...ughhh my heartttt ... what the fuck I REALLY CANT TAKE THIS SHIT ANYMORE ITSNOT FAIR THAT I SIT HERE AND DO THIS UGHHHHH BLAAAHH .... FUCK MY LIFE ANDI KNOW THAT HE IS USING ME IT FUKEN BLOWS SOOO BAD ITS NOT FAIR THAT HE USESSSS MEE WHAT THE FUCCKKK ANDI KNOW IT BUT TI LET HIM USE ME AND ABUSE ME AND HE DOESNT EVEN CARE ... I REALIZED THAT THAT LAST NIGHT WHEN I SLEPT ON THE COUCH AND HE DIDNT EVE NASK ME TO COME SLEEP WITH HIM .... WHATS WRONG WITH ME .. ISIT HTERE AND LET HIM FUCKEN USE ME AND THEN HE DOESNT EVEN WANTTO BE BY ME ... AND WHEN WE HAVE SEX ITS LIKE HE DOESNT EVEN WANT TO ... WHY HE DOES IDK WHAT THE FUCKKKK UGH PLEASAE SOMEONE ONE TAKE ME AWAY FORM THIS HORRIBLE PLACEEE.... I DONT GET HOW HE CAN TREAT ME SOOOO FUCKEN BAD WHEN I SIT THERE AND LOVE HIM ... AMD HE UESSES ME BUT HE DOESNT EVEN CARE ... HE REALLLLLYYY DOESNT ....... IN THE LAST 6 MONTHS I HAVE GIVEN HIM SOOO MUCH MONEY AND TIRED SOOOO HARD T OGIVE HIM STUFF ... UGGHHHH AND HE DOESNT VEN APPCATE IT OR ANYHTING ....
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I have been in your situation when I was about your age. I know how painful it is. You feel terribly embarassed, out of control, It happens to many of us who have not had healthy relationships with our parents/caregivers. We developed a traumatized schema of what a healthy relationship is. We basically never learned what it feels like to love and be loved in a healthy way, so we use our current relationships as a way to fix the tramautic blockages that we have from past traumas. For example, if we were abused by our caregivers as children, we get attracted (or stay with) abusive partners and develop a compulsion to try to fix them because unconsciously we believe that is the only way we will be accepted and loved by our caregivers. Unconsciously we believe if we make them change we will have all the love we always deserved. Or rather, we\'re so convinced we don\'t deserved to be loved, that we believe we need to gain that right by getting this abusive person to treat us right.
I\'ll tell you what someone wonderful once told me, which meant a lot (I remember it to this day): You\'re still young and can still change and learn a lot. Just promise yourself that the next one around will treat you like a princess, cause that is how it\'s suppopsed to be.
We learn these maladaptive relationship patterns and we are capable of unlearning them and replacing them with healthy relationships.
I highly recommend this book which helped me a lot: Robin Norwood: Women who love too much. It doesn\'t just explain why we feel this way, it shaes real stories of women like us and then has a treatment plan to start learning more healthy ways of loving yourself and others.
Remember, the more abuse you tolerate, the more abuse you will end up tolerating in the future.
The only person you can control is you. Trying to control anyone else is useless. It will only deplete your energy, time, and self-esteem.
Work on yourself first: heal your heart, strengthen your confidence, learn to be happy in yourself and by yourself. Only then you will be ready to attract someone who deserves you. While you struggle with self-doubt, you\'re likely to keeo being stuck with men who exploit that to abuse you or you may settle for less than you deserve because you\'re not aware of your own value. Work on yourself first. You\'re young. You have all your life to find the right person when you\'re ready.
Write to me if you need to talk,