One Day I Dreaded

Today was my follow up appointment for my m/c.  I had dreaded it.  After all the reading and preparation I had done,  I felt like I was on the offense...ready to argue.  I read "Avoiding Miscarriage" and a whole bunch of information on the Internet.  Everyone seemed to suggest that if you have "only" miscarried ONE baby, the doctors seem to shrug you off as a typical statistic and won't do much to help prevent future losses.  I had a list of questions and a possible action plan typed up (yes...lol...I'm a bit of a Type "A" personality).  I went ready to stand up for myself and demand some testing and some action. 
Our whole family went to the appointment...mostly because the clinic usually runs behind and since our 2 yr old has medical problems, I didn't want our 12 yr old stuck watching her for too long.  She's adorable, but when she doesn't feel well...watch out!  lol
As soon as we pulled into the parking lot, my sweet 12 yr old, who has taken the loss of our baby SO HARD, burst into silent, wracking sobs.  Tears streamed down my cheeks, too.  When we got out of the car, my daughter and I just held each other and cried.  "It is so wrong..." she sobbed and I just nodded...trying to hold it together. 
"WHY do we have to go to this appointment?!"  I thought. "The Doc won't even give me answers to my questions or run the tests I want!  Unnecessary torture!"
As soon as we walked in, I felt the peace of the Holy Spirit wash over me...we were both still weepy, but I noticed the office staff was playing Christian music...could it be?!?  The first song I heard was the very song we are going to process into our baby's funeral to..."Blessed Be Your Name"  (You give and take away...my heart will choose to say, Lord blessed be Your name...on the road marked with suffering, though there's pain in the offering...)  Perfect.  I tried to smile at the sweet pregnant ladies around me...sure they must be wondering why my daughter and I were crying. 
They called me back, and my husband and I left the girls in the waiting room.  I'll skip the part where I wanted to bludgeon the nurse for flashing my weight around...lol...she might as well have put it on a neon sign!  But, since my thoughts about that weren't very kind, I'll leave that one alone...LOL
By the time the doctor came in, I was overwhelmed...just being there seemed so unfair and seeing all the pregnancy magazines, tips on healthy pregnancy, etc. killed me.  Poor sweet hubbie just had his arm around me and kept saying how sorry he was...how he'd do anything to make me feel better...
It is hard to describe how WONDERFUL the doctor was to me today.  Over-the-top tender, loving, sweet...amazing!  My hallucinations about having to tackle her (she's tiny), tie her up and demand testing went out the window.  LOL  She OFFERED to do MUCH MORE testing than I was going to request. 
I am 30 lbs overweight (used to be a skinny chick my whole life until my pregnancy with my 2 yr old..I hate girls like me now...LOL  Just kidding.).  During my pregnancy, they pumped me up on HUGE doses of the Progesterone injections until I puffed up like a marshmallow...AND I was on bedrest for OVER A YEAR...long story...but I went from a size 2 to a size I don't wanna discuss.  My baby weight in previous pregnancies always dropped right off me (with no effort), but this was very different..not an ounce dropped even though I changed my eating entirely to whole foods & all homemade healthy stuff!  OK...I admit...I have a STRONG aversion to exercise...I love being ACTIVE, but to "Work out" and intentionally perspire FREAKS ME OUT...plus I have nerve damage and it hurts...blah blah. 
I babbled all that just now because the doctor asked if we wanted to try to conceive again...I told her I wanted to eliminate as many risk factors for miscarriage as possible..and since I'm FAT, I need to lose weight first.  She looked at my weight on the screen and said, "You do have some weight to lose, but you need to know that our average patients here are 50 lbs heavier than you are!"  I'm only 5' tall, so I said, "They are probably a lot taller!" and she chuckled...she said, "Well, they aren't 7' !!"  LOL  She told me that women of all sizes carry and lose babies and that it was silly to think my weight had anything to do with our baby dying.  She said she is perfectly comfortable recommending that we TTC...and because I am an old coot...she said we'd better jump to it!!  She said be healthy & active, but NO TIME to lose weight!
The doc then told us that she was going to do a number of things to help prevent another miscarriage...take Progesterone...baby aspirin...and maybe other things, depending on the test results.  WHEW!!  I didn't even have to kick her in the shin or anything!! LOL  What a bunch of time I wasted convinced that she was going to be cavalier about our loss!! 
But here is one more little treat that God had in store for us...as if that incredible visit wasn't enough..I was telling the Dr. how much I LOVE their ARNP who helped us through our miscarriage...she is amazing!  The Dr. told me that I should stop by and say hello to her on the way out.  We went by her office and it was empty, so I felt a little disappointed, but thought I'd just call her to let her know how much we love and appreciate her.
So, we walk back to the lobby and there...playing with our 2 yr old..and making our 12 yr old laugh with true joy...is the ARNP we love, Linda!  She did not KNOW our girls at all.  When our 2 yr old screamed "Mommy Bear & Daddy Bear" (i know...odd girl...LOL) and ran to us, Linda was shocked!  "These are YOUR girls?!? I LOVE THEM!!  They are so sweet and amazing and well behaved!! I love your family!!"  I just melted.  We DO have great kids and while we were in having Dr. Park heal our hurting hearts, Linda was in the waiting room...taking time out of her own day...for an HOUR...with my girls...making them laugh...appreciating them!  The office had long closed and we all sat there visiting with Linda and delighting in our little Sophia who is a brilliant little sprite...How awesome is our God that he rounded out our visit in such a beautiful way.  It was like we were in a comfortable, welcome place...that office I had so dreaded. 
So, the end result of this exhausting day is that the Dr. wants us to TTC ASAP...before my eggs retire.  I guess I should mention that my husband's last day of work is Sept. 30th...and we lose insurance (although because they felt bad, his employer agreed to cover our insurance through March 2011)...and since our toddler's medical expenses AFTER insurance exceed $4,000/mo....we are in a BAD BAD spot.    Yeah.  So.....hmmm. 
So, now comes the talk that could be tense with my sweet husband.  He is all for TTC...AFTER he has a job & insurance.  I "Get" that...but the doctor mentioned about 10 times that she would not suggest waiting AT ALL after we get lab results (which we can't do until my first cycle).  So, I'm feeling like we need to just trust God and go for it. 
The strange thing is that I have never TRIED to get pregnant.  (I know...unfair for everyone who is TRYING SO HARD!!!  I'm sorry...)  My son was the product of a rape that stole my innocence at 18.  My daughters were both unexpected, and so was the sweet baby (Matthew) that we lost.  So, I'm a little nervous...I don't want to feel stressed because I believe that will hinder things.
So, first...talk to WBH (World's Best Husband as my cell phone announces when he calls..LOL)...to see where he is after the appointment.  My prediction is that he is still of the mindset that we should TTC after he has a new job & insurance. 
In the meantime, I'm taking prenatals and extra folic acid and I'm planning to treat my body like I do when I'm pregnant...  Just hearing that the doc is planning to take action and be pro-active fills me with hope!  And how great and merciful is our God who turned my dreaded appointment into a tearful, but INCREDIBLE experience! 

Replies

deleted_user
deleted_user

Hugs to you girl! Things will take their course... I find sometimes truly living in the moment helps one to table anxiety and stress... but I also realize that is easier said that done. Chat with you soon. Kristin
deleted_user
deleted_user

so glad it went so well. I had similar feelings...dreaded the date, hated seeing the preg. mags and women in the office. I, however, wasn\'t so great at talking to the doc and just listened. No new tests. Nothing has ever showed on previous ones and I didn\'t ask this time around. She, too, said to TTC after the next cycle and prescribed Clomid to help. I left feeling much more positive. (course I had forgotten my keys in the bathroom outside her office in the hospital and didn\'t realize til after the appt and luckily someone had found them and taken them to the info desk downstairs!!!)

I think it was kinda a turning point in making me feel a bit better. We are still sad but hopeful and hopefully next month when we start TTC my emotions won\'t get the best of me and things will go smoothly. Hopefully we will get preg. right away...has NEVER been the case!

Good luck with the conversation w/her hubby.
deleted_user
deleted_user

I\'m glad that your appointment went so well. Did you know that yoor odds of conceiving after a mc are greater? I had my 1st period about 2 weeks after the mc. I was charting & doing OPK\'s, so I didn\'t wait a month to ttc. For some reason I ov\'d earlier than usual both right after the mc & the following cycle is when I conceived this baby! I ov\'d earlier than usual that cycle as well. I wish you much luck in talking to your hubby. I think it\'s normal for men to worry about finances. However, if he were unemployed you might qualify for Medicaid until he found a job, & they do provide great prenatal care. My good friend was on Medicaid with her youngest due to job loss prior to the pg. It may not be an ideal situation, but at least it might give you some peace of mind & a bargaining point for hubby. :o)
deleted_user
deleted_user

I want to meet your amazing daughter so much ... she sounds seriously amazing.
Tryingtomakesense
Tryingtomakesense

Thank you guys for all the sweet words and great input! And my 12 yr old IS truly incredible!! She has an amazing heart and is taking the loss of Matthew hardest of us all in many ways. I say that because I feel like God has shown me so much purpose to our loss (I guess that sounds awful), and it has helped me be more accepting of it. But our sweet daughter does not have that insight and keeps bursting into tears. She cries herself to sleep and has all the same emotional reactions I do about pregnant women and babies. How precious it is to share this journey with her, but I PRAY FOR HER HEART...it is broken. :-(
deleted_user
deleted_user

My daughters are taking our miscarriage pretty hard too....it is amazing that as teenagers who for the most part think only of themselves, can take on some of the pain we feel in order for us not to have to deal with it all alone....as for the bargaining with DH....not sure where we are with that just yet...as he is still not home and we really havent had the opportunity to just sit and talk it out....I am not opposed to the idea of trying ivf again....with donor eggs this time...not that ours weren\'t good ones...just that I am considered a low responder and have limited ovarian reserves....Geesh that makes me sound so old.....

I am praying daily for you and your family....take some time...spend a girly day with your DD...it does wonders for the soul....I try to do it with my daughters every month....take care of yourself....big HUGS!!!