One day at Time
Okay, I have not been moving on. Starting today I will not try in any shape or form to contact my children. I will wait for them, if ever, to contact me. I will no longer thing of my self as part of a family. I am alone. I must take care of me and no one else. The hardest part is acknowledging I no longer have a family. Of course it can be argued I never did have a family or they would not have allowed this to happen. I have never been alone. I lived alone. But I always had my Mom and Dad and sister to call if I ever needed anything, a hug, advice or even money. But my Mom is dead and my Dad is to old to deal with me and my sister and I don't get along. And now I have no marriage or kids to call my family. so I am alone. This is my revelation, that I have never been truly alone. Well now I am. Yes life is hard when you are alone, but life is hard when you are divorced and your kids won't have anything to do with you,so what is the difference? Not a lot, but maybe now I will be able to move on. I still don't know what that is exactly, but I will take it one day at a time. So far the longest period of time that I have not tried to reach one of my children is 2 weeks. Hopefully 2 weeks from now I will be able to say I have reached that goal, then I will make a new goal. I am going to not remember or think about my ex or all the problems he has caused me. I will live with blinders on. Then I will slowly remove the blinders and hopefully I will be okay. I think of it as the equivalent to quitting smoking cold turkey. This is my choice, my ex has become an addiction for me. I quit smoking, after almost 18 years, it was hard, but I had to stop doing the things that made me want to smoke, going to bars, drinking, hanging out with other people that smoked. Now I have to give up my friends that make me think of my ex and my children. I need to make new friends that don't know any of them. Then when the addiction is truly broken, I can contact some of my old friends and I will be able to handle remembering my kids and then my ex, but I will be glad to be rid of them. That is how I quit smoking and for me it worked. I want to be in control, I smoked because I wanted to smoke, I knew it wasn't healthy, but my motto was every one has one bad habit and mine is smoking. When I realized it was no longer my choice but an addiction I had no real problem quitting. So I am going to apply the same philosophy to moving on. I want to be in control, not being controlled. So I will take it one step at a time and hopefully in 6 weeks I will be able to report I have kicked the habit of missing my ex and my kids, or at least to be close to kicking it. Thanks to every one who reads my journal, your help and concern is what has helped me to see this option. Now it is my turn to make it SO!!