One Big Question Mark
My life feels like one big question mark. Every time I feel like I'm regrouping BAM the ground gets pulled fr under me.
I've got one strange issue with my hubby's son Wayne. Because of the age diff hubby & I had Wayne is lets just say mature. For several yrs hubby had always wanted Wayne to clean out our garage, 90% of accumulated stuff here is Waynes. But Wayne was always off in la la land & it would not sink in. Now Wayne has become this crazed person, this energizer bunny on steroids, this bumble bee just buzzing out of control. My sister & brother in law even noticed that he never has focus, he's just all over. They even find him exhausting. It took me a bit to put together that the day after what I call a Wayne day always starts off bad for me. He's suffocating me. He's always going on abt we'll look at this, we'll discuss this, we'll see ab this & that & on & on & on. Yes I appreciate certain assistance right now, but he's just suffocating me on so many levels. When I want or need things addressed and/or taken care of I'll do so when it feels right for me. I feel like I'm being way overloaded. Does this make sense? I think he needs to find a wife so he can control her, or maybe clean his house which is looking like a hoarders wanna be or just get a life or something. A strange item-I went in the garage as I had somewhere to go & I noticed that he had put these leather type cords that have hooks on each end around the bases of both the walker & wheelchair. I stood & stared & thought what the heck! I use the walker right now & boy did I have to struggle to get it off. I can't do the one on the wheelchair. My one bird bath tub-he's emptied it twice & stacked it aside. When you do it once & notice it's set up again would that not tell you OK I guess it's meant to be left out or duh ask me first. In hubby's obituary I noted that donations could be made to our provincial wildlife haven/rehab center. One day he asked abt that & noted that his dad was the one growing up that would hunt gophers or squirrels I guess at that time for money for the skins. He was surprised abt that. HELLO that was like over 50 plus yrs ago. Have you never noticed how we look after our squirrels and birds & whatever here. Been going on for a long long time! Why can't he just slow down, find a way to grieve your father, tend to some inner peace, whatever. I'm also wondering if this behaviour is a way to not face it, to run away fr having to deal with it. WHEW I'm exhausted just entering this.
Onward- the cat shelter is now officially closed. Thankfully they were able to have all the cats looked after safely. There were a number of special needs type of cats & staff were worried abt them.
Had my heart ultrasound yesterday. When the tech was done she told me to stay in the room that she had to show the test to the cardiologist. After a bit they told me it was OK to go. I see my rheumy on Nov 30th & he'll have the results. I've got an appt at the kidney/renal clinic on Nov 29th. Went for my blood work this morning. I seriously wondered if they were gonna leave any blood for me. This appt is the big monkey on my back right now. I'm trying so hard not to go to negative places but they keep sneaking up on me darn it all!
I'm so tired of life in gen tonight. I almost just want to tell the world LEAVE ME ALONE. I just don't want to think. I seem to be able to cry way too easily & am not even sure what sets it off all the time.
Went back to church on Sunday. It felt good & there were so many people that were so happy to see me back. One assured me that the weekly prayer group is still including me. My pastor made sure to catch me on the way out. They are having a support group get together for newly widowed people going thru the holidays for the first time. He really feels it would be so good but part of me just wants to shut that out. I think it's because I'm worried abt being embarrassed or something. My heads telling me to shake it off, ph the church & face this.
Well enough babbling for now. Please know I so appreciate this special connection of special people here. Love ya all.
Replies
Okay, Wayne gives me weird vibes. You need people around you who will HELP you, not hinder you, friend. Maybe you're just too nice to him and should put your foot down with him wiht your sister and bro in law around. Is he safe to be around? Hmmmm
Glad you went back to your church, you'll do what you need to do when you're ready. This is still all so recent with your DH passing. Thus the tears, unexpected, isn't this all part of grieving? So, just tell the world to leave you alone, you'll come out when you want to. Cry alot, that's good for your stress and soul. Remember, your DH would want you to be happy. We're here, hugs.... xxoo
I think you probably hit the nail on the head when you wrote that this is his way of dealing with/or not dealing with the death of his father. You are both grieving in different ways and it is so very sad that he is leaning on you and making this harder for you that it already is.
I have issues getting through to my hubby and son a lot, just because, well, they are MALE. sigh. I find that if I put a big note on the very item I want them to leave alone or whatever, it works so much better than if I *tell* them. Maybe leaving a large note in the area near where you park your walker, etc., might help? Or a note on the door. Something fairly foolproof, haha. The notes look unappealing, but after a couple of weeks, we can take them down with hopeful success. : )
Aside from that, maybe sitting him down and telling him that You.Are.Grieving and ask him if he really understands that. When people are grieving, they don't need MORE. They need space and time and peace. usually, right?
Considering all that you are coping with (very well I would say)... if you didn't cry easily I would be worried about you! I think you probably forget how strong you are and how well you cope with things. However you decide is right for you to process all the changes in life, well, then, that would be the perfect way for you. Whatever works and makes you stronger, then, that's good.
See how you feel during prayer and devotion time about this widow's/widower's group. If you feel encouraged during prayer, maybe consider going for it. Maybe once you go and "get it over with" you will feel much more comfortable with everything. I related it (probably very poorly and inadequately) to how I felt about going to yoga class for the very first time. And taking my big body along with me. I was worried I would be the only heavy person there, the only one who struggled, that it would be like admitting "hey world, look how heavy and out of shape I have become!" But after 10 minutes there, I found that none of that was true and I had the exact opposite reaction, actually feeling confident about something for the first time in years and years! Doing it afraid, as Joyce Meyer would say, helped me get over so many things and move forward and feel more comfortable with my body and feel better emotionally and physically than I have in 20 years. That's a whole lot of reward for doing it afraid! haha Maybe it could be similar with your group?
About your heart US. Sad you have to wait so long to talk to the doc, but if anything even moderate was wrong, they would have wanted to address it right then and there, that's what my heart US tech told me when I had one last year. That's always is encouraging I think. I pray that your bloodwork comes back better than you expected. I think once life settles out for you and your grieving lets up a little, things are going to settle out with your bloodwork. So I hope you can think of any possible less than good news as just temporary. God can and does heal us in his time. I pray for you all the time. : ) Church sounds like just the medicine you need, so happy for you about that. I'm always here for you (except when I not home, lol) ; )