Once more into the breach, dear friends.

I just spent an hour talking with my wife.  I told her exactly how I was feeling about her going to Disneyland with the kids.  I told her I would appreciate a conversation about emotions.  I got "I'm sad that you aren't going"Actually, first, I got "I'm shocked and proud that we're having a good healthy conversation about your feelings.  We're being open, and that's kind of good and refreshing."I told her "I'm asking that you let down your walls, and respond to the feels I shared with you, and talk about your own feelings.  To not be the only one being vulnerable.  I want to have an initmate conversation about who you are and how you're feeling.  To talk with you about this."THEN I got "I'm open to a conversation.  How am I not being vulnerable?  I feel sadness that you aren't coming along."After an hour of prying, I had managed to add to the list "I'm excited to go on the trip" "I'm sad and angry about the state of our marriage - nothing specific, just the situation" and "I'm nervous about flying."I told her that I felt she had let me in deeper than she normally does, and I appreciated that.  SHe thanked me for the healthy emotional discussion.The generous side of me can't help but be envious - if only this were all I felt!  That would be heaven!  Not everyone is as tune with their emotions as I am, and it's not realistic to expect them to be.  I've got fine emotional 'nerves' and they've been sanded down a lot lately.  Not everyone is that sensitive.  Ok.On the other hand...Your mother is putting you in an extremely precarious position between having to choose between her and your husband.  Your husband has been on the edge of a nervous breakdown for months. Your marriage has been on the rocks for months.  He complains that you focus too much on the children, on your parents, and that he's ignored.  He begs you to really pour yourself out, to say what you're feeling without any judgement whatsoever.  And the best you can manage is SAD and ANGRY (at the marriage, but no specifics for me to work on).  I've had deeper conversations with strangers at the bus stop!Don't think I didn't notice the details - parsing time!"I'm SAD that you aren't coming along."  Ok.  A start.  Very vague, though, with no blame aimed anywhere.  No reasoning.  A bit unsettling.  Although it is directed at my actions, not the reasons for my actions.  "Im not coming" not "I wasn't invited" or even "I can't come.""I'm excited to go on the trip"  Duh, it's Disneyland.  I appreciate you not wanting to rub it in, but I know you're lying if you can't even express that much to me."I'm sad and angry about the state of the marriage"  Ok.  It's in a rough place.  I feel the same way.  "Are you angry at me?  If so, that's ok."  "No, just the situation."  You mean the situation of the relationship of one person to another?  The one where 'anger' is a typically outward directed emotion, rooted in an action - the same emotion directed inward is typically shame, nervousness, or guilt?  So - two people in the problem, rooted in an action, taken not by her.  But no details to fix anything.  Got it.  And that, folks - is what SUBTLE blaming looks like.And "I'm nervous about flying."  Ok, you always have been.  Fine.So - Four emotions - Sad, Angry, excited, and nervous.  The only ones in relation to me at all are sad and angry, and both as a result of what I either did or am not doing that makes her feel that way.  Well, there's also Proud that we're having a open conversation about my emotions.  Let me try that again with parse vision on - "I'm Shocked and Proud (This is not typical, but is joyful) that WE are having an open conversation about YOUR emotions.  No, you putz - I shared my emotions with you as I always do, and got at best, the validation of having them repeated to me.  "Yes, you did, in fact, say those words."  In return, I got LESS emotional sharing from you than I could get from a quick glance at your face and a brief moment of common sense would give me.Even if not abusive, I'm married to an emotional cripple!Excuse me one moment...AAAARRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!