Ominous....
...is the outlook of my future. Current forecasts are continued rain-storms but even darker clouds & a monsoon on the horizon loom...There's no respite..I continue to be plaqued by my downward plight. Severe depression can not be simplistically defined as the absence of happiness or the presence of sadness; it is the mental imprisonment of profound hopelessness; the inability to ever envision sustaining joy, inner peace, or happiness...it is the disbelief that anything will ever be made right - death becomes your nirvana & living is your kryptonite...
Somewhere self-medicating instead of meditating, I ventured out to escape my solitude and to play hide & seek with my troubled thoughts...the bar scene - a designated place that facilitates unadulterated meet-and-greets, this is where I found my temporary 'refuge'. It is there that I surveyed all the social commerce around me; feeling ever so disconnected & divorced - like a pennyless peasant on Wall Street...This scene begins to weigh on my burdened soul with agitation, nauseousness, and heightened anxiety...Damn - those troubling thoughts have found me again - reminding me of my worthlessness & my social incompatibility with my surroundings...A more potent beverage is needed, not sure if it's to keep my thoughts from finding me or to blur my vision so I can't see my thoughts...
I fear my potential diagnoses of Aspergers will further handicap me from social & intimate reciprocity and further encapsulate my emotional well-being. I have already (unbeknowingly) genically impregnated my son of this socially diabilitating syndrome...As my marriage continues to decompose, I feel an overwhelming sense of failure, helplessness, & worthlessness - deeply saddened...no friends, no sense of belonging, an abrupt lifestyle change - namely seeing my son everyday (he is not just my son but my sun..); this life journey already difficult now will be insurmountable...I am already losing this battle against my demons - why are they getting even more artillary??!!
Suicide seems to me, to be the equivalent of waking up from a bad nightmare...All I want is to have sustained peace & joy...
Somewhere self-medicating instead of meditating, I ventured out to escape my solitude and to play hide & seek with my troubled thoughts...the bar scene - a designated place that facilitates unadulterated meet-and-greets, this is where I found my temporary 'refuge'. It is there that I surveyed all the social commerce around me; feeling ever so disconnected & divorced - like a pennyless peasant on Wall Street...This scene begins to weigh on my burdened soul with agitation, nauseousness, and heightened anxiety...Damn - those troubling thoughts have found me again - reminding me of my worthlessness & my social incompatibility with my surroundings...A more potent beverage is needed, not sure if it's to keep my thoughts from finding me or to blur my vision so I can't see my thoughts...
I fear my potential diagnoses of Aspergers will further handicap me from social & intimate reciprocity and further encapsulate my emotional well-being. I have already (unbeknowingly) genically impregnated my son of this socially diabilitating syndrome...As my marriage continues to decompose, I feel an overwhelming sense of failure, helplessness, & worthlessness - deeply saddened...no friends, no sense of belonging, an abrupt lifestyle change - namely seeing my son everyday (he is not just my son but my sun..); this life journey already difficult now will be insurmountable...I am already losing this battle against my demons - why are they getting even more artillary??!!
Suicide seems to me, to be the equivalent of waking up from a bad nightmare...All I want is to have sustained peace & joy...
Replies
I see (even in the darkness) what you mean by being inspired to write.
Autism seems to be a widely diagnosed condition. I\'m not so sure that isn\'t just another way to explain a difficulty communing with the \"normals.\"
I too resorted to self-medication yesterday evening - in my case with my DCIS it is hard to self-medicate with alcohol without feeling murderous to myself. KaramelSutra was my option (ice cream - 1 pint).
Gentle huggs. I am so sorry you are suffering so bad. I am keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. You have helped me a lot. I would love to be able to do the same for you. Huggs and xoxo.
I understand the sense of doom over the future. Seem no matter what way we turn there is another mountian to climb. Makes it very hard to be optimistic.
I\'m sorry you have Aspergers. Health problems pile up.
Take good care of yourself!
(((HUGS)))
As always, you expressed yourself very well here. I know the feelings you describe as I deal with them a lot myself. I just want you to know that you are not friendless for I and others who have commented do care about you. Hope may lie behind the monsoon so please don\'t hurt yourself in any way.
We all know what it\'s like but it does and will get better. So hang in there. You are full of worth to your son for one - trust me!
You\'re suffering from a mental illness. You already know that. Alcohol is not the answer. Psychiatric testing at a teaching hospital with medical records available to the doctors IS. Availability and willingness to try different combinations of medication to help yourself IS. Bill Gates has Aspberger\'s syndrome! So did many other brilliant people. It\'s hardly a death sentence nor does it DEFINE YOU as a human being! You\'re on a dangerous path, my daughter was on this path. Your son needs you, you have a moral obligation to find professional, expert help, be tested, and try medications. Without you, he can\'t succeed. With you, if you help yourself, he can.
My physical prowess is slowly degrading to mental levels..I understand aspergers is no death sentence however being physically & emotionally isolated with no will or skill to disrupt this imprisonment spells doom...I am mentally so very, very fatigued...
At this point, I can\'t honestly say I want to get better...so very, very tired; I\'ve fought most of my life & feel I\'ve made accomplishments & survived longer than I ever predicted..
I don\'t know what your future is (or mine for that matter) but I do know that everyone suffers in some way.
I would encourage you to find ways to give yourself rest, eat something healthy, replenish yourself with water (nix alcohol) treat yourself well even if that doesn\'t feel anywhere near your inclination.
I thought I was an Aspie when growing up and trying to understand why I felt different, turns out I\'m not bright enough. Most Aspies can learn to not stand out. It\'s not so bad. That\'s why I thought I had Aspergers, because I am still people watching and working out what to do. Try to get help for the drink. I\'m an on off alki so I can see how depressing the alkifroll is x
You are a great writer. You express alot of what I feel but can\'t write well. You are not alone even if you feel you are. I do care. No giving up remember?
Somehow I missed this entry. I am so sad that you are hurting so badly and seem to fell as I do.. just excluded form the normals. for want of a better word.
You are such a good man. I grieve that you are so choked and apprehensive about the changes you fear. I wish I could help in any way. Please stay strong.
Once again you have shared your gift of putting into words what so many others feel, myself at the top of that list....I\'m so sorry you are going through this hell, I know you\'re weary of it all, hitting the booze may seem to help but it only is taking you to a darker place, yes there is a darker place.
You said your son is your sun.....find another dr.or therp, whatever it takes so he can continue to shine, losing you would dim his brightness forever.
Asperger\'s isn\'t a death sentence, it can be managed, guilting yourself over your son\'s dx isn\'t helping either of you.
You know if I could I\'d take all this from you and onto my own shoulders...all I can ask is that you not give in....your negative future is not cast in stone, it can get better....