OMG This SUCKS!!!

Trying to recover from betrayal so Freaking sucks. Why can I not stop crying. It has been three years and I am still struggling and being affected by triggers. When I fina start to feel better or comfortable in my relationship, this dumb ass lies or keeps things from me. I then go right back to day one of the affair. I feel like shit everyday and extremely insecure about everything. My cheating husband still feels he is entitled to an affair and takes no responsibility for his actions. It's been three years and it is still my fault that he cheated. He feels that it is my responsibility to work on this relationship and to initiate any date nights. We are at a point that we cannot have a conversation without an argument. I no longer say anything to him unless it is about the kids. There are many days that I feel like I'm losing it and prefer to go to sleep and never wake up. I am so tired of trying and doing for everyone and get nothing in return. I am so tired of having uncontrollable cries throughout the day. I just want this pain to END!!!!!