OMG, I GET IT!!! EGGSHELLS!!!
TRISHA, {{HUGS!!!}}} Your reply to my last post is the ANSWER!
Eggshells are the sign that there's something wrong in the relationship, not that there's something wrong with you or me. Because as I had to keep telling myself through the divorce - Marriage takes TWO people FULLY being involved... It's doomed if one person "checks out" because the other person will never be able to fill in for the absent one....
I didn't see it at the time during mine either, but I do now. You know, my eating disorder was because of the stress, because I didn't understand, because I couldn't forgive myself for being human all because I didn't know WHY I needed to forgive myself. MAN, it was so SUBTLE! GAAA! it was the CONDITIONING! The EGGSHELLS!
My food addiction is BROKEN and has been since the divorce (I'm SLOWLY losing weight). I don't need or want it anymore. Because I found out WHY I ate all the time... WHY I felt I needed it, and why I was out of control... because everything in my life was out of control. And I know it's going to sound like I'm blaming him... maybe in a sense I am because all these years I blamed myself without knowing why. My X never wanted a joint relationship based on mutual trust or respect. He was attracted to me because I had what he didn't.... a sense of being.... a sense of inner confidence... I gave him hope of survival out of all the pain we each grew up with. Over time, especially when he became disabled, instead of him finding his own sense of being, he INSTEAD projected his issues onto me. He probably didn't even realize he was doing it... I certainly didn't ... And then the issues became mine even though for over 20 years I didn't even know what those issues were - and through those years I kept telling myself the funhouse mirrors were true because I thought I had it together, could help him work through them. That's when the criticisms and the lies began.... so subtle, yet so deep because all I wanted was for US to grow and be healthy and I kept failing....
And THAT's where it began... because he COULDN'T grow and be healthy. Because he didn't want to... he thought it was impossible. It's the reasons for the petty jealousies, for hating the connection I tried to maintain with my family, for his alcohol addiction, for the eggshells.... because whenever MY inner being broke through, he couldn't accept it because it made him feel like a failure. OMG, the arguments we used to have... he would list over and over again all the things he did well and I'd get so frustrated I'd call him "St. David" as we fought because I didn't understand why he was so focused on the "good" things he did instead of taking care of the things that NEEDED taking care of... OMG! THAT's what my mother-in-law meant when she said what she did about David being "the GOOD kid" when we delivered the ashes, but then went on to say how he wasn't.... WOW!
OH BOY, that throws a whole monkey wrench into my future hopes for dating. Well, I guess that's the ADVENTURE part, isn't it.... LATER!
Eggshells are the sign that there's something wrong in the relationship, not that there's something wrong with you or me. Because as I had to keep telling myself through the divorce - Marriage takes TWO people FULLY being involved... It's doomed if one person "checks out" because the other person will never be able to fill in for the absent one....
I didn't see it at the time during mine either, but I do now. You know, my eating disorder was because of the stress, because I didn't understand, because I couldn't forgive myself for being human all because I didn't know WHY I needed to forgive myself. MAN, it was so SUBTLE! GAAA! it was the CONDITIONING! The EGGSHELLS!
My food addiction is BROKEN and has been since the divorce (I'm SLOWLY losing weight). I don't need or want it anymore. Because I found out WHY I ate all the time... WHY I felt I needed it, and why I was out of control... because everything in my life was out of control. And I know it's going to sound like I'm blaming him... maybe in a sense I am because all these years I blamed myself without knowing why. My X never wanted a joint relationship based on mutual trust or respect. He was attracted to me because I had what he didn't.... a sense of being.... a sense of inner confidence... I gave him hope of survival out of all the pain we each grew up with. Over time, especially when he became disabled, instead of him finding his own sense of being, he INSTEAD projected his issues onto me. He probably didn't even realize he was doing it... I certainly didn't ... And then the issues became mine even though for over 20 years I didn't even know what those issues were - and through those years I kept telling myself the funhouse mirrors were true because I thought I had it together, could help him work through them. That's when the criticisms and the lies began.... so subtle, yet so deep because all I wanted was for US to grow and be healthy and I kept failing....
And THAT's where it began... because he COULDN'T grow and be healthy. Because he didn't want to... he thought it was impossible. It's the reasons for the petty jealousies, for hating the connection I tried to maintain with my family, for his alcohol addiction, for the eggshells.... because whenever MY inner being broke through, he couldn't accept it because it made him feel like a failure. OMG, the arguments we used to have... he would list over and over again all the things he did well and I'd get so frustrated I'd call him "St. David" as we fought because I didn't understand why he was so focused on the "good" things he did instead of taking care of the things that NEEDED taking care of... OMG! THAT's what my mother-in-law meant when she said what she did about David being "the GOOD kid" when we delivered the ashes, but then went on to say how he wasn't.... WOW!
OH BOY, that throws a whole monkey wrench into my future hopes for dating. Well, I guess that's the ADVENTURE part, isn't it.... LATER!
Replies
Wow!!! I really helped in some way to clear this up for you. My ex was an N and he was good at hiding things from me. He married me for a reason and it wasn\'t love. He married me because I could handle \"things\" and not fall apart.
I was the strong one. At 17 I was working weekends in one of our bars. My dad watched over me but still I was thrown into situations that made me have to make hard decisions. I had to make decisions that would decide whether I got hurt or not. That\'s what the ex married me for. He almost sucked all that strength from me.
Dating, I don\'t think so. Yes, you will have that adventure of dating again but now you know what to look for and what to avoid.
Wow!!! This is such a revelation. (And Trisha, once again you never cease to amaze me.)
You have broken the code! This is big...and a very important step in your life. I am so happy for you. As you said, and Im not saying that it isnt about two people, but the fact that he projected his failures onto you is definitly an amzing revelation and very freeing. I am really happy that you have come to this awareness and hope that it helps you to move forward in your life. Good for you and God bless you.