OMG, I GET IT!
After writing yesterday's post, while I SLOWLY did my chores around the house (my back still is giving me trouble), those scenarios and memories of the past kept flipping through my mind.... almost like a deck of playing cards, with each card representing a memory, an incident, a future scenario...
And as they seemed to flip up in front of me, like playing a game of solitaire, I could SEE it! This isn't about the trip, my son, or even my mother and the rest of the family. This is about my own SELF WORTH and I don't even need to leave the house to deal with it!
WOW, DO I GET THAT!
I get that I'm COMPLETELY different than the rest of the family are... I get that I'm not meant to be close them... I get that any attempts to do so would be disastrous for everyone, including me... I get that who I AM is not affected by who THEY ARE, nor vice versa....
Each of those "cards" from the past... well, that's all it is... just the past! An experience I NEEDED for growth! I can't speak for the family on whether or not they had a need as well, that's not for me to know. But if I hadn't experienced those issues with them, I would NEVER have left home, I NEVER would have begun my own personal journeys, and I would NEVER have found all that I have found.... And I have found ALOT.
And as I figured this out yesterday, I FOUND PEACE! I'm still going to go back there and I'm going to wing it... when we get together, I plan to just sit in the back at the edge of the group, entertain myself with whoever is wanting to be near me (if anyone - my sisters for sure), and if they choose to avoid me, I'll be fine with some crafts I'm going to stick into my bag so that I can keep myself busy with while watching everybody play with the grandbaby. No matter what happens, I FOUND MY HAPPINESS!
Everything's gonna be fine! In the past, I ALLOWED the family to make me feel unworthy. If there is a direct attempt again to do that, I'll be fine! Because I found my WORTH - it will be like water off a duck's back! And if the family does behave poorly toward my son and daughter-in-law, I'll help them work through it, if THEY want me to... and if it doesn't, it will be an AWESOME CHRISTMAS! I'm looking forward to an AWESOME CHRISTMAS! And the best gift of all is the one I JUST GAVE to myself... a clean emotional slate to explore, build on, play with, and grow! MY SELF WORTH.
OH, and I found a in home pet sitter!!!! Next up - I need a new camera... LATER!
And as they seemed to flip up in front of me, like playing a game of solitaire, I could SEE it! This isn't about the trip, my son, or even my mother and the rest of the family. This is about my own SELF WORTH and I don't even need to leave the house to deal with it!
WOW, DO I GET THAT!
I get that I'm COMPLETELY different than the rest of the family are... I get that I'm not meant to be close them... I get that any attempts to do so would be disastrous for everyone, including me... I get that who I AM is not affected by who THEY ARE, nor vice versa....
Each of those "cards" from the past... well, that's all it is... just the past! An experience I NEEDED for growth! I can't speak for the family on whether or not they had a need as well, that's not for me to know. But if I hadn't experienced those issues with them, I would NEVER have left home, I NEVER would have begun my own personal journeys, and I would NEVER have found all that I have found.... And I have found ALOT.
And as I figured this out yesterday, I FOUND PEACE! I'm still going to go back there and I'm going to wing it... when we get together, I plan to just sit in the back at the edge of the group, entertain myself with whoever is wanting to be near me (if anyone - my sisters for sure), and if they choose to avoid me, I'll be fine with some crafts I'm going to stick into my bag so that I can keep myself busy with while watching everybody play with the grandbaby. No matter what happens, I FOUND MY HAPPINESS!
Everything's gonna be fine! In the past, I ALLOWED the family to make me feel unworthy. If there is a direct attempt again to do that, I'll be fine! Because I found my WORTH - it will be like water off a duck's back! And if the family does behave poorly toward my son and daughter-in-law, I'll help them work through it, if THEY want me to... and if it doesn't, it will be an AWESOME CHRISTMAS! I'm looking forward to an AWESOME CHRISTMAS! And the best gift of all is the one I JUST GAVE to myself... a clean emotional slate to explore, build on, play with, and grow! MY SELF WORTH.
OH, and I found a in home pet sitter!!!! Next up - I need a new camera... LATER!
Replies
Your revelation must be so freeing for you! I decided a long time ago that SURELY I must have been given to the wrong family when I was born. No kidding! I couldn\'t be more different from my two older sisters...either in childhood or as adults. However, I KNOW I am my father\'s daughter. Even though I don\'t look like him (except for my body type) everyone tells me that I walk like him and talk like him. I also THINK and OPERATE like he did (R.I.P.) in that the man always called them as he saw them and didn\'t fall for much b.s. (which, of course, is everywhere). xoxo
Physically, it\'s OBVIOUS that I\'m my mother\'s daughter.... I look exactly like her. But emotionally, we\'re different in every possible way, so who knows where that comes from.... But that\'s ok, I like that difference, enjoy that difference... I can\'t imagine what my life would have been like any other way.
I wonder sometimes if it comes from my ancestors who left their families in England in the late 1600\'s, got on a masted ship and crossed the ocean to come here, leaving everything behind, risking everything they knew... imagine the adventure.... betcha that\'s it...
{{HUGS!}}
Its very freeing to realize that it\'s okay to be different from family. I was the odd one in my family and they made fun of me because I didn\'t argue and fight like they did.
I let my siblings make me feel unworthy. The best thing I was allowed to do was be put to work in one of our bars. I found my worth there and I think the man who raised me every day for letting me find my self worth.
You are so brave to be going back. I haven\'t been back in over 20 years. I have no intention of seeking out relatives that don\'t accept me as family.
Now you can move on to finding that new camera.
Wow that is awesome! Thank you for sharing this. It speaks so much to me about what has been going through my mind in the past few days about me and my mother and brothers. I will definitely think on this for myself. How freeing.
Good work, mtlion. Happy for you! You ARE gonna have a great time....