ok today

so here i sit on here night off and am being a big girl and not asking her over. does it hurt yes does it bother me, hell ya but guess maybe getting little stronger cause the old me would have already asked her. but maybe im at the point where i already know the answer and dont want anymore pain. they laugh at me at work they are younger but it still hurts. they say i just need let her go so can find someone else. that i need loose the miserable look off my face. i look at other woman everywhere and really feel kinda dead. theres no attraction to anyone. i dont even feel like a lesbian right now. maybe im questioning it all again. im just numb dont know what i want. just dont want to hurt. i feel horrible unlovable. maybe just need focus on my health getting cancer removed thursday and failed my mamm so gotta go for another friday. doesnt even really bother me. guess i should care.