ok...time to be honest.....
So today, I had another scan to check on whether I had ovulated or not...and I haven't. Whilst I am letting myself freak out a bit- I thought I may as well be completely honest and speak the absolute truth....
I am terrified of having a negative result this month. I feel like just because I have tried to be really positive and upbeat this month that I should somehow qualify to fall pregnant...what if I don't???
What then? I am not sure I have the strength or resolve to keep this positivity up for another cycle.
Hmm-I don't know, I have been trying so hard to try and be nice to myself and be positive and find things to be grateful for but I feel like that is all going to mean nothing-and I really don;t know if this persona is actually really me or whether I am just simply a great actress (who sometimes even fools herself?). I am a great believer in the fake it til you make it philosophy..is that what I am doing here?
I don't know, I don't even know where this is coming from..actually I do-complete and utter self doubt....and freaking hormones. Despite seeing my nutritionist two weeks ago and following her recommendations, I feel like I have gained weight and feel even worse about myself. I am not sure this is true-I just feel so rubbish about myself. I keep trying to remind myself that everything is transient, and this feeling will eventually go...if indeed I have gained weight, then I can always lose it
Anyway, I really don't want to stress out about it all. So I guess all I can do is put on Taylor Swift's new song (I know seriously, I am a 32 year old woman!) and dance along....I have accupuncture tomorrow, as well as a full body massage and pedicure, so I am hoping that this will relax me a little.
ok well, although this post is all doom and gloom, surprisingly, I had a great day at work and have much to be grateful for...so here goes..
1. I am grateful to a particular colleague, who is just a really sweet girl. I was supposed to go to a theatre case and be exposed to radiation 9albeit very small amounts!) but this particular colleague offered to go for me. I am not even sure she knows about our fertility struggles, or what, but it was just such a nice gesture....I really appreciated it.
2. I am grateful for the nature of forgiveness and the ability to move on. Things with my other work colleague with whom I was having difficulty with last week have dramatically improved and I have noticed a much better vibe around us. I don;t feel stressed or uptight around her any more, and feel like it is probably the same with her.
3. I am really grateful to be able to have the financial means to be able to book in for a massage etc tomorrow. (ok, just so we are clear, I am going to a beauty training academy where everything is heavily discounted as you are guinea pigs for the students to practice on) but I am still so thankful to have the opportunity to go-and that I have that extra day off per week.
Ok thats me done.
I am terrified of having a negative result this month. I feel like just because I have tried to be really positive and upbeat this month that I should somehow qualify to fall pregnant...what if I don't???
What then? I am not sure I have the strength or resolve to keep this positivity up for another cycle.
Hmm-I don't know, I have been trying so hard to try and be nice to myself and be positive and find things to be grateful for but I feel like that is all going to mean nothing-and I really don;t know if this persona is actually really me or whether I am just simply a great actress (who sometimes even fools herself?). I am a great believer in the fake it til you make it philosophy..is that what I am doing here?
I don't know, I don't even know where this is coming from..actually I do-complete and utter self doubt....and freaking hormones. Despite seeing my nutritionist two weeks ago and following her recommendations, I feel like I have gained weight and feel even worse about myself. I am not sure this is true-I just feel so rubbish about myself. I keep trying to remind myself that everything is transient, and this feeling will eventually go...if indeed I have gained weight, then I can always lose it
Anyway, I really don't want to stress out about it all. So I guess all I can do is put on Taylor Swift's new song (I know seriously, I am a 32 year old woman!) and dance along....I have accupuncture tomorrow, as well as a full body massage and pedicure, so I am hoping that this will relax me a little.
ok well, although this post is all doom and gloom, surprisingly, I had a great day at work and have much to be grateful for...so here goes..
1. I am grateful to a particular colleague, who is just a really sweet girl. I was supposed to go to a theatre case and be exposed to radiation 9albeit very small amounts!) but this particular colleague offered to go for me. I am not even sure she knows about our fertility struggles, or what, but it was just such a nice gesture....I really appreciated it.
2. I am grateful for the nature of forgiveness and the ability to move on. Things with my other work colleague with whom I was having difficulty with last week have dramatically improved and I have noticed a much better vibe around us. I don;t feel stressed or uptight around her any more, and feel like it is probably the same with her.
3. I am really grateful to be able to have the financial means to be able to book in for a massage etc tomorrow. (ok, just so we are clear, I am going to a beauty training academy where everything is heavily discounted as you are guinea pigs for the students to practice on) but I am still so thankful to have the opportunity to go-and that I have that extra day off per week.
Ok thats me done.
Replies
I\'ve been there too, and sort of am right now. I feel like maybe acting more happy and optimistic that it will mean I\'m willing my body to do good. In part, it\'s true. Mind/body connections are strong and important, but it does not mean it can make our bodies do everything we want. You are not an imposter or actor. You are just trying to do the best and feel the best way you can in a crappy situation. Keep it up. Even if things comes crashing down, you can go back to being optimistic and happy after your meltdown.
Have fun getting pampered!!
Fake it, till you make it. Don\'t you feel better generally being more positive and grateful?