OK so this is what's going on

Yesterday I got called into work again -  looks like so far the lay off that they said would probably last a month has lasted one day.  I am kind of on call day by day.  Things are really unstable here in many ways, in sort of a dysfunctional way in some ways which feels oddly comforting, to have people with their issues - illness, threat of divorce, financial problems, anyway it is sort of a work family and I'm grateful to be part of it.  Trying to take things day by day, making plans ahead of time just is not happening. So I still have T's truck and didn't go help watch his son J last night.  I did my own thing - I did my taxes - yay - it only took an hour and I'm due $ back.  I walked to a meeting, which was divine. I slowed down and watched TV in the living room - funny after my hotel weekend w/ T & J my TV broke! It's the digital box and I am pretty certain I can fix it, I just haven't pulled out the manual to work on  it.  It was like a clue from God to reprioritize, because I like to tape The Doctors everyday, and I have a couple VCR tapes full of episodes I haven't yet watched.  Pretty much every night there is something I arrange my schedule so I can watch or tape a program or two.  I see my mom watching a lot of TV recently and I think, is that what I really want?  It's lonely.  I do like watching The Bachelor with her and a few other shows, that's a way we bond. Parents are using their gym memberships! I am so happy for them.  It does something to you.  Mom is even using a 12 step program, she's gone to OA a few times.  I wonder if she'd gone had I not introduced her to other meetings, she said she just appied them to food.  12 step programs are highly suggested for everybody. I took a hot bath last night and read a memoir by Lois, founder of Al Anon and wife to AA's cofounder Bill W.  I like it a lot.  I went to market and baked some cake.  It was nice to have some time for myself. I had gotten grumpy with T a bit that morning, I was planning to help him wait for the phone  guy at his new office.  I said I didn't want to snap at him, it's just I have been spending the free time I usually have for myself being around him and / or his son and I haven't been taking care of myself.  He's pretty cool. I suppose that is a bothersome situation for me, my involvment with T.  We dated years ago when he was with the same girl, so yeah we went out once and I felt awful like 'the other woman'.  This time their brake up is fresh, and yeah I had recently thought you know I kind of liked being with him, compared to my other bfs in sobriety, that he was alright.  Yeah he's an unrecovered Al Anon - I have been changing the subject when he brings up his gf.  So yeah it's not ideal..  She's got a drug problem and is really a mess.  When I met her after we dated she recognized me from childhood - she was buddies with my sis!  But with him my old issues I have worked so hard to overcome come up, which I've used avoidance of relationships to deal with which doesn't quite solve my issues - that I need to be assertive, have healthy boundaries, and not let myself feel so manipulated by being so passive. So dad was real mean when he saw T parked Sun night in the street with his big raised truck and LED lights, like telling me why are his lights on and is he in the middle of the street.  I'd gone out to talk to him briefly so I was standing there and dad said this when I went in, and dad said boy I sure know how to pick em, which hurt.  It's like the way he feels about sis and her guy, and I felt bad for sis, anyway I'm like "I guess so" after he asked me isn't that kind of dumb he's in the street with his lights on?  it's just his attitude was the old abusive him.  I don't want to argue, though I felt defensive, I tried to let it go. Mom who overheard this was defensive and saying stuff.  Anyway he's being nicer since.  He even paid me back for the gym membership and transferred ipayments his name. So my car the mechanic couldn't fix it and I towed it home and told dad I can't sell it because it's still in his name.  I don't know what's going to happen, I can't make him do anything.  I guess I'll cancel the insur and do without - it has an ignition problem and the parts are too rare and expensive, there aren't a lot of these.  I'll turn it over to God who has a plan I have to remind myself I TRUST I TRUST. Oh this boy J is such a joy.  We both agree we have a lot in common. I'd have a child exactly his age had I not made another decision 15 years ago, which has been painful for me.  Thank God for the 12 steps and making amends and counseling and getting clean and sober, that has helped me heal.  And now being with T, it seems whenever I'm sexually active I get obsessed if I could be pregnant.  Another thing I'm kind of passive about, like not careful, because well I'm 39 and when else will I get the chance?  I don't know.  So that is causing some worry.  And yeah it's like, the dream last night a woman in my face as I laid there said "you're pregnant" and I said "I know".  And to try to convince to others in my state of letting God (or others) take care of me and being so unplanned and low maintenance in some ways, it's like it could be seen as insanity, and that's me.  I remember mom said if you wait for everything to be perfect you'll never have a child.  So yeah you could say I feel a little pressure, need to keep up especially with my yoga and walks and sleep and eating right and to thine own self be true.  I guess growing up with critical parents makes my own shortcomings more glaring to me.