ok, so not so much of a better headspace
So after another trying night (or should I say morning) with our baby, I have been accused of being intolerant of our child...in other words...a bad mother.
Which got me thinking, do I really want a second child. Clearly my husband doesn't think I can look after the one we have.
So why am I putting myself through all of this bullshit again? And you know what? I cannot come up with an answer. I am done.
Yes, I am angry and irrational right now but this recurrent theme keeps coming through to me in these times of high emotion...I do not want to do this again. I want out.
Whilst the wheels are already in motion for this next FET, I am wondering whether I really want to go through with it. The honest answer is no. I do not. I don't want the disappointment and the sense of failure if it doesn't work, and quite frankly, I don't want the lifetime sense of never quite being good enough if it does.
I am not in a good place right now. I guess I am actually going through something akin to post traumatic stress...I mean it was only 5 weeks ago to the day that I was diagnosed with cancer. I guess I haven't yet come to terms with the idea of my own mortality. Perhaps we should have taken a break, maybe things would have been better if we had. I think the best thing for me to do right now is to have a break today. My baby is in daycare and his grandparents are looking after him tonight. I have done miles of work on my assignments and could probably afford to only do a few hours on them today and the housework is pretty much done. I think today, I will just do some stuff for me. Go to the gym, maybe do a little bit of shopping ( ok I can't do that because a)my ass is too big to fit into anything and b) all our money is tied up in Fertility treatments c)I am not earning any money t the moment so how dare I spend any? ) but you get the idea.
I need to haul ass out of this funk and I only have a few hours to do it in. Best get moving already!
Which got me thinking, do I really want a second child. Clearly my husband doesn't think I can look after the one we have.
So why am I putting myself through all of this bullshit again? And you know what? I cannot come up with an answer. I am done.
Yes, I am angry and irrational right now but this recurrent theme keeps coming through to me in these times of high emotion...I do not want to do this again. I want out.
Whilst the wheels are already in motion for this next FET, I am wondering whether I really want to go through with it. The honest answer is no. I do not. I don't want the disappointment and the sense of failure if it doesn't work, and quite frankly, I don't want the lifetime sense of never quite being good enough if it does.
I am not in a good place right now. I guess I am actually going through something akin to post traumatic stress...I mean it was only 5 weeks ago to the day that I was diagnosed with cancer. I guess I haven't yet come to terms with the idea of my own mortality. Perhaps we should have taken a break, maybe things would have been better if we had. I think the best thing for me to do right now is to have a break today. My baby is in daycare and his grandparents are looking after him tonight. I have done miles of work on my assignments and could probably afford to only do a few hours on them today and the housework is pretty much done. I think today, I will just do some stuff for me. Go to the gym, maybe do a little bit of shopping ( ok I can't do that because a)my ass is too big to fit into anything and b) all our money is tied up in Fertility treatments c)I am not earning any money t the moment so how dare I spend any? ) but you get the idea.
I need to haul ass out of this funk and I only have a few hours to do it in. Best get moving already!
Replies
I understand the feeling of being unsure about going through with the cycle. I have felt that so many times. Kind of this \"oh shit, what if this works?\" feeling. I don\'t have a clue what to do with a baby. I don\'t have the money to provide for one, and my husband and I work so much that neither of us would have time for one. I always continued my cycles, and hoped that they would work because the benefits always outweighed the fear.
I hope you are able to have a good day and that your funk dissipates.