Ok, I've reached my emotional limit...
Staff meeting last night. Same old, same old... at least this time we didn't get yelled at. But I'm not good... I'm ok... just not good. GRIEF has set in. And I've got questions I need answered, can't get answered, don't want to know the answers to...
BAWLED across South Dakota again... even with Christmas music playing. GOD, I miss him so much....
I know, I know... every time I miss him, I then think of what he tried to do to me.... and the WHY comes. Because flashes of memories keep flooding my thoughts when I'm quiet (like driving 500 miles). GAAA!
I remember holding hands when we went through our bankruptcy... that's when the first symptoms showed up, but I was so helpless to do anything and certainly didn't want to see it. He was having seizures from the alcohol and then I got sick.... and he couldn't cope. One day, I sat him down and told him that if he was incapable of being sober when I was recovering from surgery, I'd have to find someone else to help me.... I think that my recovery was the only time he was completely sober...
And right after I remember this, I remember a discussion we had about a month before we broke up.... I was eating junk food and he predicted I'd die before him from a heart attack.... he was messing around really, but it always made him feel good to think that because he knew HIS time was already 15 years farther than the doctors predicted...
But that damn question... did he say that because he was already tainting my food, knew what it was doing to me? And was he INTENTIONALLY trying to kill me so he wouldn't be afraid of it or was he just trying to keep me from becoming healthy...
As I said... I don't want to know the answer....
So I go to that staff meeting/Christmas party.... and I can't control my tears anymore. And our Corp. Manager HATES me... I've had to go over her head multiple times this month alone, and while she told everyone that another employee had a similar incident this week, she said nothing about mine.... I got a couple of looks like I was losing it when we were sitting around after the meeting - ok, maybe I AM losing it. I finally just went upstairs to bed, headed back home right at sunlight before anyone got up... cried all the way back as well.
Damn phone is acting up again. Paul, the alternate on the power of attorney, has been trying to call and all I get is static on the answering machine. I'm going to have to call him tonite - I'm dreading it's more bad news - but I'll do it anyways... Deep Breath.... Later.
BAWLED across South Dakota again... even with Christmas music playing. GOD, I miss him so much....
I know, I know... every time I miss him, I then think of what he tried to do to me.... and the WHY comes. Because flashes of memories keep flooding my thoughts when I'm quiet (like driving 500 miles). GAAA!
I remember holding hands when we went through our bankruptcy... that's when the first symptoms showed up, but I was so helpless to do anything and certainly didn't want to see it. He was having seizures from the alcohol and then I got sick.... and he couldn't cope. One day, I sat him down and told him that if he was incapable of being sober when I was recovering from surgery, I'd have to find someone else to help me.... I think that my recovery was the only time he was completely sober...
And right after I remember this, I remember a discussion we had about a month before we broke up.... I was eating junk food and he predicted I'd die before him from a heart attack.... he was messing around really, but it always made him feel good to think that because he knew HIS time was already 15 years farther than the doctors predicted...
But that damn question... did he say that because he was already tainting my food, knew what it was doing to me? And was he INTENTIONALLY trying to kill me so he wouldn't be afraid of it or was he just trying to keep me from becoming healthy...
As I said... I don't want to know the answer....
So I go to that staff meeting/Christmas party.... and I can't control my tears anymore. And our Corp. Manager HATES me... I've had to go over her head multiple times this month alone, and while she told everyone that another employee had a similar incident this week, she said nothing about mine.... I got a couple of looks like I was losing it when we were sitting around after the meeting - ok, maybe I AM losing it. I finally just went upstairs to bed, headed back home right at sunlight before anyone got up... cried all the way back as well.
Damn phone is acting up again. Paul, the alternate on the power of attorney, has been trying to call and all I get is static on the answering machine. I'm going to have to call him tonite - I'm dreading it's more bad news - but I'll do it anyways... Deep Breath.... Later.
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Thinking of you