Ok, I still don't get it.
So, today I'm getting things rolling. When I got up, this morning, it was snowing pretty good and I immediately went to work on it... time to get going on my fitness plan, starting with shovelling - maybe tonite I'll get in some cross country skiing at the park.
Once I was all cleaned up and ready for work, I began procrastinating, but kicked that attitude to the wayside because I keep thinking "what if". What if I died tomorrow....
So first I called the X's life insurance company, just to see if he still kept it going after the divorce... I figured he didn't, but it didn't hurt to check... and he didn't. He cashed it in when I got the call it was being cancelled at the end of the divorce... oh well. At least I now know...
So then I called in my prescription so that I'm good for my medications until April, then called my eye doctor and got the ball rolling about my new prescription for that, then called the life insurance company I've chosen for myself and I get that started during lunch today...
AND THEN... I pulled out my divorce papers. I got to thinking that if I died tomorrow, do I really want my son to find all the notes I made during that time? So I went through them. GEES, I was such a mess emotionally. I found notes on things I wanted to say to the X... things I wanted to confront him with... things I had learned the X had lied to me about regarding my son, myself....
And that's what I don't get. I don't get how someone you have been with for 30 years can do that.... lie to the extent mine did. You know, he had me convinced that I was struggling mentally - to the point that not only did I question my memory 100%, but every time something went wrong in our relationship, I blamed myself. I guess I don't get how I could let that happen... I don't get how I just trusted so blindly... I don't get how it had gotten this bad...
I found notes about the assault, about the alcohol I found all over the house, about the theft of my things, about when I discovered he was contaminating my food, about when the neighbor told me that the X had said our first separation was because of our son (it wasn't, it was because of the X's alcoholism). My notes are FILLED with hurt about this lie... that lie... about how betrayed I felt... notes on how I had to protect myself financially during the separation, things I needed to call the attorney about back then.... while at the same time STILL hoping it was all wrong and that it would just go back to normal... GAAA, I just don't get it...
AND NOW... As I read these notes, I look back with the wisdom learned by a person who was so completely and utterly fooled. The betrayal runs DEEP. And yet, that betrayal is what needed to happen...
Because now, I see who I really am... I see that my memory wasn't the problem... my emotional issues were only because I gave my thoughts and my being to him so completely instead of seeing who I was, where I wanted to stand, and seeing the TRUTH of it all... Even last night, I went and spent that gift card my mother-in-law gave me, and as I stood in front of the dressing room mirror, I could clearly see WHO I am. I kept thinking "when the hell did I get this fat?" And no, that's not criticising myself... it's a TRUTHFUL evaluation of the WHO I AM. I didn't notice that I'd grown bigger... didn't notice that I was hiding my head in the sand all these years... didn't notice that I wasn't LIVING. I was just his wife who was at fault for everything... living in a place full of funhouse mirrors...
I think emotionally, I'm still 20 years old and have a whole lot of real life to learn. My New Year's Resolution? Becoming ME. A healthy me... a fit me... a strong me... a secure me... Time to get creative with myself! The financial side, organizational side, and even my physical fitness side are all started... now, it's time to take care of the rest.... LATER!
Once I was all cleaned up and ready for work, I began procrastinating, but kicked that attitude to the wayside because I keep thinking "what if". What if I died tomorrow....
So first I called the X's life insurance company, just to see if he still kept it going after the divorce... I figured he didn't, but it didn't hurt to check... and he didn't. He cashed it in when I got the call it was being cancelled at the end of the divorce... oh well. At least I now know...
So then I called in my prescription so that I'm good for my medications until April, then called my eye doctor and got the ball rolling about my new prescription for that, then called the life insurance company I've chosen for myself and I get that started during lunch today...
AND THEN... I pulled out my divorce papers. I got to thinking that if I died tomorrow, do I really want my son to find all the notes I made during that time? So I went through them. GEES, I was such a mess emotionally. I found notes on things I wanted to say to the X... things I wanted to confront him with... things I had learned the X had lied to me about regarding my son, myself....
And that's what I don't get. I don't get how someone you have been with for 30 years can do that.... lie to the extent mine did. You know, he had me convinced that I was struggling mentally - to the point that not only did I question my memory 100%, but every time something went wrong in our relationship, I blamed myself. I guess I don't get how I could let that happen... I don't get how I just trusted so blindly... I don't get how it had gotten this bad...
I found notes about the assault, about the alcohol I found all over the house, about the theft of my things, about when I discovered he was contaminating my food, about when the neighbor told me that the X had said our first separation was because of our son (it wasn't, it was because of the X's alcoholism). My notes are FILLED with hurt about this lie... that lie... about how betrayed I felt... notes on how I had to protect myself financially during the separation, things I needed to call the attorney about back then.... while at the same time STILL hoping it was all wrong and that it would just go back to normal... GAAA, I just don't get it...
AND NOW... As I read these notes, I look back with the wisdom learned by a person who was so completely and utterly fooled. The betrayal runs DEEP. And yet, that betrayal is what needed to happen...
Because now, I see who I really am... I see that my memory wasn't the problem... my emotional issues were only because I gave my thoughts and my being to him so completely instead of seeing who I was, where I wanted to stand, and seeing the TRUTH of it all... Even last night, I went and spent that gift card my mother-in-law gave me, and as I stood in front of the dressing room mirror, I could clearly see WHO I am. I kept thinking "when the hell did I get this fat?" And no, that's not criticising myself... it's a TRUTHFUL evaluation of the WHO I AM. I didn't notice that I'd grown bigger... didn't notice that I was hiding my head in the sand all these years... didn't notice that I wasn't LIVING. I was just his wife who was at fault for everything... living in a place full of funhouse mirrors...
I think emotionally, I'm still 20 years old and have a whole lot of real life to learn. My New Year's Resolution? Becoming ME. A healthy me... a fit me... a strong me... a secure me... Time to get creative with myself! The financial side, organizational side, and even my physical fitness side are all started... now, it's time to take care of the rest.... LATER!
Replies
Wow. A lot of this hits home with me. I was just thinking today that I spent my whole life trying to make him happy and blaming myself for everything and realized I never grew up into ME.
Happy New Year
Some of this hits home with me too. The ex was really good at hiding what he was doing that was so wrong. The walking on eggshells always made me wonder what I had done wrong. Part of that came from my horses. When you are riding a horse and everything is wrong you look at what you are doing first. You have to make changes to get your horse willing to change for you. Over time that flowed over into my married life. I was always the responsible one and that didn\'t help either.
Yes, I\'ve been looking at myself and for my size and frame I\'m fat and I\'m not happy about that. It\'s time for me to start working on myself. Maybe I can learn from the journey you are taking.
I think now that a little time has passed since your ex\'s death, it\'s very natural that you are doing a little \'house-cleaning\' both inside yourself and in your place!
You\'ve got it figured out way more than you give yourself credit for hon. And you\'re doing great. You are NOT a 20 year old emotionally - quite the opposite! You\'re a full grown but still evolving wonderful woman who has lived and learned but more importantly, is fully committed to living a healthy, FUN and authentic life. Nothing wrong with that story!
It\'s good you journaled these feelings. I truly believe it helps our \'processing\' to write things out. And all your friends know that you love to journal :)
Don\'t spend too much time on reflections that involve self-doubt. What\'s done is done. You\'re doing great and moving forward and that\'s what is most important now. Enjoy the snow!!!