Ok, I'm pissed off all over again.
I'd almost decided not to post this, but darn it, these emotions are real, a major part of what I'm going through, and by not dealing with them and accepting them for what they are, I block moving forward. And darn it, I'm GOING to move forward!
Yesterday morning, after coffee and a quick check in on the computer, I decided that I wasn't interested in exercising. I was feeling frustrated with it, feeling like a bit of a failure once again (no major weight loss yet - just 3 pounds - and my clothes feel tight and uncomfortable).... My heart just didn't seem to be in it.
So I "took the day off" from the exercise and decided to use that time to do a little more cleaning. I'm such a pack rat, and my cleaning last weekend resulted in PILES of stuff in the basement. And PILES of stuff grates on me. So, I opened up the door to my exercise room, moved stuff off the shelves, moved shelves around, and started putting stuff back on the shelves while finding places for the PILES. Most of my stuff on the shelves is fitness magazines, like Muscle & Fitness Hers.... Man, what I would give to look like that....
And then I noticed a small crate, filled with calendars and old journals. So, may as well just jump right in, sort through what I want to keep, what I don't want to keep, right?
And I dropped one of these journals, and it flopped open to 2005. Two months before I found out that I was bleeding internally from a tumor (2 of them, actually). The notes were FILLED with my frustrations, how tired I was (I was severely anemic at the time, just didn't know it), how I had no free time because our finances were in trouble already so I was working 2 jobs (one was cleaning - which is definitely a challenge when you have no energy), how I couldn't find the energy to work out either, how I couldn't stop eating and therefore was gaining more weight, and about my arguments with my now X and how I couldn't get him to help me, etc. GRRRRROWLLLLLL!
OMG, he was SUCH a hypocrite and I was SO STUPID! Notes about our arguments which made absolutely no sense (the arguments, not the notes)... notes about how he'd give me advice on how he "stayed sober" (NOT!)... notes about our relationship - relationship? HELL. Our marriage consisted of ONE. ME. Seriously... you know how he dealt with the fact that I was going to need surgery? Got PLASTERED. Had a seizure from it that cost us - US? ME! - $2,500 in the emergency room. His blood alcohol count was .400! (even the doctor was pissed off that he was wasting resources needed for people who truly needed them, and yes, they expected him to die from it - but he didn't. Instead, he since then had 4 more seizures, each costing $2,500 and all alcohol related, and they eventually put him on anti-seizure medication which led to him deciding that it gave him permission to be constantly drunk from that point on... AND, throughout this mess, I tried to refinance the house to pay off the debts - ran into a con artist working for a "big bank" here, who set the documents up so that we'd default within the 1st month because he wanted to make a profit on the sale of our house - and I - even though I worked in a mortgage department years ago - didn't catch it until the day AFTER we signed the papers - thank god for the 3 day cancellation clause - and that forced us into bankruptcy - saved the house though).
I even found magazines on "how to get your marriage to work"! Yeah....
DEEP BREATH! Ok, done venting on that. Because through those notes I could see where I was emotionally. GEES, I ate ALL THE TIME to cover up my stress, to cover up my pain. No wonder I was over 225 pounds! AND THEN.... I started to think about where I AM TODAY. Yeah I skipped working out, but I'm still sticking with my program. Yeah, I'm still overweight, but people tell me every day how great I'm beginning to look. Yeah, I feel emotionally raw from time to time , but people keep telling me how happy I seem (and they're right - I AM happier). And the BIGGEST thing.... I'm not eating to cover up my stress or pain anymore! In fact, I've been soda free for over a week, eating healthy meals I'm cooking myself (as I keep saying, OMG, I CAN cook!), and I'm nibbling on carrots and salads when I'm HUNGRY instead of cookies and candy bars when I'm not. I'm in a VERY GOOD place today!
So yep, I'm just a bit mad at myself for taking so long to get here, and doubt if the part of it that's directed at him can go anywhere. I don't really feel much of anything toward him because I never knew the real him until recently, but I wonder..... what he was thinking as he lied to me, what he was thinking as he stole things I valued so much, was the man I loved so much even there at all or was it a lie all along.... see, as I said, I doubt I can go anywhere with this, much less get answers (during the separation, I tried to get this all out when we were meeting - all he'd say was that if I was going to keep yelling at him - I wasn't - he was leaving. So see.... gonna go nowhere with that.)
And the Muscle & Fitness Hers magazines? KEEPING THEM! Because I AM going to look like that, someday at least - I'm getting right back into that workout program today! (oops! Not today - my schedule's all messed up because I forgot I've got the crazy dog coming this afternoon - extra cash toward my tax bill! - so I'll kick it off again in the morning. AND, other good news - my roof got finished yesterday!!! YIPEE!!!)
LATER!
Yesterday morning, after coffee and a quick check in on the computer, I decided that I wasn't interested in exercising. I was feeling frustrated with it, feeling like a bit of a failure once again (no major weight loss yet - just 3 pounds - and my clothes feel tight and uncomfortable).... My heart just didn't seem to be in it.
So I "took the day off" from the exercise and decided to use that time to do a little more cleaning. I'm such a pack rat, and my cleaning last weekend resulted in PILES of stuff in the basement. And PILES of stuff grates on me. So, I opened up the door to my exercise room, moved stuff off the shelves, moved shelves around, and started putting stuff back on the shelves while finding places for the PILES. Most of my stuff on the shelves is fitness magazines, like Muscle & Fitness Hers.... Man, what I would give to look like that....
And then I noticed a small crate, filled with calendars and old journals. So, may as well just jump right in, sort through what I want to keep, what I don't want to keep, right?
And I dropped one of these journals, and it flopped open to 2005. Two months before I found out that I was bleeding internally from a tumor (2 of them, actually). The notes were FILLED with my frustrations, how tired I was (I was severely anemic at the time, just didn't know it), how I had no free time because our finances were in trouble already so I was working 2 jobs (one was cleaning - which is definitely a challenge when you have no energy), how I couldn't find the energy to work out either, how I couldn't stop eating and therefore was gaining more weight, and about my arguments with my now X and how I couldn't get him to help me, etc. GRRRRROWLLLLLL!
OMG, he was SUCH a hypocrite and I was SO STUPID! Notes about our arguments which made absolutely no sense (the arguments, not the notes)... notes about how he'd give me advice on how he "stayed sober" (NOT!)... notes about our relationship - relationship? HELL. Our marriage consisted of ONE. ME. Seriously... you know how he dealt with the fact that I was going to need surgery? Got PLASTERED. Had a seizure from it that cost us - US? ME! - $2,500 in the emergency room. His blood alcohol count was .400! (even the doctor was pissed off that he was wasting resources needed for people who truly needed them, and yes, they expected him to die from it - but he didn't. Instead, he since then had 4 more seizures, each costing $2,500 and all alcohol related, and they eventually put him on anti-seizure medication which led to him deciding that it gave him permission to be constantly drunk from that point on... AND, throughout this mess, I tried to refinance the house to pay off the debts - ran into a con artist working for a "big bank" here, who set the documents up so that we'd default within the 1st month because he wanted to make a profit on the sale of our house - and I - even though I worked in a mortgage department years ago - didn't catch it until the day AFTER we signed the papers - thank god for the 3 day cancellation clause - and that forced us into bankruptcy - saved the house though).
I even found magazines on "how to get your marriage to work"! Yeah....
DEEP BREATH! Ok, done venting on that. Because through those notes I could see where I was emotionally. GEES, I ate ALL THE TIME to cover up my stress, to cover up my pain. No wonder I was over 225 pounds! AND THEN.... I started to think about where I AM TODAY. Yeah I skipped working out, but I'm still sticking with my program. Yeah, I'm still overweight, but people tell me every day how great I'm beginning to look. Yeah, I feel emotionally raw from time to time , but people keep telling me how happy I seem (and they're right - I AM happier). And the BIGGEST thing.... I'm not eating to cover up my stress or pain anymore! In fact, I've been soda free for over a week, eating healthy meals I'm cooking myself (as I keep saying, OMG, I CAN cook!), and I'm nibbling on carrots and salads when I'm HUNGRY instead of cookies and candy bars when I'm not. I'm in a VERY GOOD place today!
So yep, I'm just a bit mad at myself for taking so long to get here, and doubt if the part of it that's directed at him can go anywhere. I don't really feel much of anything toward him because I never knew the real him until recently, but I wonder..... what he was thinking as he lied to me, what he was thinking as he stole things I valued so much, was the man I loved so much even there at all or was it a lie all along.... see, as I said, I doubt I can go anywhere with this, much less get answers (during the separation, I tried to get this all out when we were meeting - all he'd say was that if I was going to keep yelling at him - I wasn't - he was leaving. So see.... gonna go nowhere with that.)
And the Muscle & Fitness Hers magazines? KEEPING THEM! Because I AM going to look like that, someday at least - I'm getting right back into that workout program today! (oops! Not today - my schedule's all messed up because I forgot I've got the crazy dog coming this afternoon - extra cash toward my tax bill! - so I'll kick it off again in the morning. AND, other good news - my roof got finished yesterday!!! YIPEE!!!)
LATER!
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