Ohhhhh HAPPY DAYS
Some days I feel like I can conquer the world, but most days I feel like my ability to breathe easily is ripped away without notice. It hurts to breathe, it hurts to be hurting. As hard as I try not to cry, it's inevitable. We all know crying won't do a single thing, nor will it take away the pain but when you find yourself at the bottom with no relief at all, there's nowhere else to turn except to soak a pillow full of unwanted tears. There are stages of being in chronic pain. First you think to yourself, I can do this. Then you realize just how badly you feel and then you eventually realize it hurts to breathe when it shouldn't. And then you find yourself back in the black hole you so badly want to escape. And once again, you find yourself having to fight to find your way back to the surface. It's a routine. A routine that no one should have to go through, especially alone, but you also find yourself protecting those around you from the burden I call hell. I don't want pity, nor do I want them feeling helpless for not being able to do anything. So I cry alone, wishing for a miracle that doesn't exist. But it hurts. It hurts so badly and there's absolutely nothing I can do about it. I want to run, there's no where to run. I want to crawl in a corner and just be at ease. But everywhere I turn, the corners cave in and it only gets harder to breathe. I want the invisible knife to go away. I want the invisible burning flames to dissapear. I want my life back. I'm so young and I go through hell. And as stubborn as I am, I like to think there's a point or a reason in everything that happens. But let's get real, there's no point in this pain. There's absolutely no reason someone should have to go through this hell. I just happened to get the short end of the stick. So yeah, I should feel blessed and glad it's not something else. It's not life threatening, it's not going to kill me, it's not going to end my life at a short notice... but waking up everyday feeling like you're going to die is not a good way to start any day. So I'll force myself to stop thinking about it, even though it runs every thought I have... and I'll do what I need to do. Because I have no other choice. I can sit here and pile up my problems, the tasks I need to get done, and cry for the rest of the day. Or I can suck it up and do the things that need to get done, though I may be angry while I'm doing them... either way it's going to suck. End of story. So I'll suck it up, and I'll do the same thing tomorrow. I'll go out into the real world where my pain isn't a part of a stupid conversation about the weather, or the SuperBowl, or the latest news about some idiot celebrity, and I'll do all of that because I have to. But I don't care about the weather or the news.. because all I think about is this pain. It consumes me, it steals every thought, every dream, every hope of a better day. It steals it and I have no choice in the matter. This is crap. And I am so sick and tired of it. Oh what a wonderful Monday..... NOT.