Ohhhhh HAPPY DAYS

  Some days I feel like I can conquer the world, but most days I feel like my ability to breathe easily is ripped away without notice. It hurts to breathe, it hurts to be hurting. As hard as I try not to cry, it's inevitable. We all know crying won't do a single thing, nor will it take away the pain but when you find yourself at the bottom with no relief at all, there's nowhere else to turn except to soak a pillow full of unwanted tears. There are stages of being in chronic pain. First you think to yourself, I can do this. Then you realize just how badly you feel and then you eventually realize it hurts to breathe when it shouldn't. And then you find yourself back in the black hole you so badly want to escape. And once again, you find yourself having to fight to find your way back to the surface. It's a routine. A routine that no one should have to go through, especially alone, but you also find yourself protecting those around you from the burden I call hell. I don't want pity, nor do I want them feeling helpless for not being able to do anything. So I cry alone, wishing for a miracle that doesn't exist. But it hurts. It hurts so badly and there's absolutely nothing I can do about it. I want to run, there's no where to run. I want to crawl in a corner and just be at ease. But everywhere I turn, the corners cave in and it only gets harder to breathe. I want the invisible knife to go away. I want the invisible burning flames to dissapear. I want my life back. I'm so young and I go through hell. And as stubborn as I am, I like to think there's a point or a reason in everything that happens. But let's get real, there's no point in this pain. There's absolutely no reason someone should have to go through this hell. I just happened to get the short end of the stick. So yeah, I should feel blessed and glad it's not something else. It's not life threatening, it's not going to kill me, it's not going to end my life at a short notice... but waking up everyday feeling like you're going to die is not a good way to start any day. So I'll force myself to stop thinking about it, even though it runs every thought I have... and I'll do what I need to do. Because I have no other choice. I can sit here and pile up my problems, the tasks I need to get done, and cry for the rest of the day. Or I can suck it up and do the things that need to get done, though I may be angry while I'm doing them... either way it's going to suck. End of story. So I'll suck it up, and I'll do the same thing tomorrow. I'll go out into the real world where my pain isn't a part of a stupid conversation about the weather, or the SuperBowl, or the latest news about some idiot celebrity, and I'll do all of that because I have to. But I don't care about the weather or the news.. because all I think about is this pain. It consumes me, it steals every thought, every dream, every hope of a better day. It steals it and I have no choice in the matter. This is crap. And I am so sick and tired of it. Oh what a wonderful Monday..... NOT.

Replies

deleted_user
deleted_user

So perfectly said. The same thoughts run through my head several times a day. \"It\'s not going to kill me...\" but sometimes it\'s just not enough to make me \"lose it\" and hit that black hole you speak of. I am sorry that this has gone on so long for you and started so early in your life. But I admire you for being able to put the pain in the background at times, do what must be done,and live your life, even if it\'s a modified version of what you had planned for yourself. To go to school for what you want to do, to become who you want to be, well, that alone is challenging enough without the pain. I admire you for being so young, and yet so wise and sharing with those of us just starting this journey from hell. Don\'t let this rob you from being you, and please know that there are many many \"best years of your life\" ahead, they just come in different packages, and you deserve them ALL. I hope today is a better day.
\"\"What lies behind you and what lies in front of you, pales in comparison to what lies inside of you.\" - Ralph Waldo Emerson
Kenna21
Kenna21

Thank you so much, that really means a lot. Its hard, but eventually I pull myself off the ground and do what I need to do. Its a good thing I\'m stubborn because I\'m pretty sure if I wasn\'t, I wouldve given up on school a long time ago. Don\'t let my entries make you think that this pain thing is only bad. Though it is in so many ways, I\'ve learned more about myself than I probably ever would have. I know strength. I know what being thankful is. I know what love is. I\'ve learned so much from this crap so in a way I\'m really thankful that I\'ve been able to gain the knowledge that I have. It is hell at times, but when you accomplish the smallest thing, you should be proud of yourself, because really.. Its as hard as being on top of the world. Give yourself credit for what you do, and what you don\'t do. Because we both know, brushing your teeth even hurts. Thanks again, and if you ever need to vent, I\'m here.
deleted_user
deleted_user

good advice Kenna, thanks. And backatcha, just so you know :)