Oh yes, I am depressed.
I feel sad.
I miss my mom. This time of year is etched into my soul and as the temperature rises, I have dejavu and remember things I'd much rather forget. It's been five years since my mom was on her deathbed and I don't want to remember her that way. Usually I remember the fun things about her or the things that were lively and good stories. But when I'm feeling bad, I like to punish myself with missing her and wishing I had been a better daughter and given her more love and more kindness and fought harder for her care in the hospitals. I was full of good intentions. I was just selfish and afraid and lacked self-confidence. I should have demanded better for my mom. She would have demanded better for me.
My special time of the month started tonight. That's probably why I've felt so out of sync with my DH and why everything everyone does pisses me off. It's also probably the reason I've been so tempted to eat sweets when last week I was hardly tempted at all. But I'm giving myself permission on my birthday so I do have a goal in sight. There is a reprieve.
I used to want to be held in a time like this but my DH would think sex and that is the furthest thing from my mind. There is always an ulterior motive, isn't there?
It's so late and I told myself I would go to bed hours ago and I haven't. I've just been trying to process my angry feelings and sadness. When I realized that yes, in fact I do miss my mom and that I still grieve for the loss of her and that it is normal, I felt mildly better. But my stomach is upset, my shoulders and neck are tense, my head hurt earlier. I need to get sleep but I need to be alone, too. Sigh.
So, I miss my mom. I miss my dad, too. Life is not fair, but it is what it is. A set of experiences to allow us to grow and improve. Okay, I'm trying. I fall down a lot. I get discouraged. I feel discouraged now. Tomorrow we'll try again.
DD
I miss my mom. This time of year is etched into my soul and as the temperature rises, I have dejavu and remember things I'd much rather forget. It's been five years since my mom was on her deathbed and I don't want to remember her that way. Usually I remember the fun things about her or the things that were lively and good stories. But when I'm feeling bad, I like to punish myself with missing her and wishing I had been a better daughter and given her more love and more kindness and fought harder for her care in the hospitals. I was full of good intentions. I was just selfish and afraid and lacked self-confidence. I should have demanded better for my mom. She would have demanded better for me.
My special time of the month started tonight. That's probably why I've felt so out of sync with my DH and why everything everyone does pisses me off. It's also probably the reason I've been so tempted to eat sweets when last week I was hardly tempted at all. But I'm giving myself permission on my birthday so I do have a goal in sight. There is a reprieve.
I used to want to be held in a time like this but my DH would think sex and that is the furthest thing from my mind. There is always an ulterior motive, isn't there?
It's so late and I told myself I would go to bed hours ago and I haven't. I've just been trying to process my angry feelings and sadness. When I realized that yes, in fact I do miss my mom and that I still grieve for the loss of her and that it is normal, I felt mildly better. But my stomach is upset, my shoulders and neck are tense, my head hurt earlier. I need to get sleep but I need to be alone, too. Sigh.
So, I miss my mom. I miss my dad, too. Life is not fair, but it is what it is. A set of experiences to allow us to grow and improve. Okay, I'm trying. I fall down a lot. I get discouraged. I feel discouraged now. Tomorrow we'll try again.
DD
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