Oh what the hay....?

Have you ever struggled against something so long...you just get tired...kinda like shuvin a big boulder alone in front of yourself...on and on... you struggle to shove this thing  farther down the path...hopeing to get to where ever ya goin...It's the rule ya know... can't shove it to the side...have to push it down the path ya goin...I don't know what happens when you get to the end ...just that there's this big rock in the way.............well it wasn't always so big...some times it's huge... but...after you reach a certain point it's small again............I know lifes path isn't always a pic nic...along with the sunshine, there's gotta be a little rain somtimes.....................Oh well for what ever reason... that dang boulder is getting bigger everyday...I'm just inchin alone...somedays an inch is all I can do...................I forced myself thru the pain...with tears in my eyes...smeling like urine....struggling alone, untill I even turn on myself..................I'm tired...my hopes and dreams...smashed to bits against the rocky shore of emotional  disater...I have no idea...where I'm gonna find the courage, the strength, or the will...to shove this big gotdam bullly of a rock a little farther down this path..................abandoned at three months of age...forced from the only loveing family I ever knew at seven...abused, neglected and unwanted...then givin away to another that didnt want me, abusive, physically , mentally...eight years...a slave... beatin, alone, afraid, clinging only to the promises of God.................I was able to stop the beatings, at age 16...the mental abuse continued on and on untill she died in 1996...may she rest in peace...hope she found peace... because I know now she never had peace on earth.................I live as some kind of vessel to carry on this pain... these miseries...But I refuse to pass this vessel on to my children... As I myself had to make a choice... so will my children... teach   with love... or rule with an iron rod.................take time to find the right way to discpline, cut off the t.v., the computer, or take the gameboys, hand em a book... or better yet take the time to read them a story................One pratice I enjoyed with my children... one night a week... to sit and read together... play a board game... those smiles they helped me shove that dang boulder a lot farther down the road................Now my children have their own paths... their own boulders....all four of em move at their own pace.... but Dad is slowin down....each day I get  farther behind... and my children... they aint even lookin back...unless it's to ask why... WHY ME?.....all I can do is offer a hug, love, and support...untill now finally... they no longer ask... Dad's not doing well.... so they avoid me... .........Now I must choose one of my oldest three children to be the one to decide... If dad can't  make the decision for himself... who should I ask to  pull the plugg... Dang boulder... sure is big....HUGE...EVEN...Frankly... speakin... I think I see the end of the path... which means I got here too dang soon... funny tho... I've been at the end of the path several times before... then a new one opened up... for now... At 55, soon to be 56...I will have spent 50 years dealing with pain...it aint gettin easier... I'mnot gettin stronger...I shall not yeild to defeat so easily...Most likely I will leave this mortal  world  kickin and screamin...same way I came in...(actually they had to come get me lol) ..wonder if that means they gonna have to take me out... lol.............the mind works in mysterious ways... fueled with hope... supported by love...and the desire to continue...LIFE--- Does not  give up so easily... but there is a big IF... right in the middle..............till next time...one day at a time...................................................................I gained an inch... Today... thanks...Russ