Oh, what a tangled web we weave.
So, I haven't written in forever. Today seems a good day to remedy that. I was better, I was worse, I was okay, I was at rock bottom, I maintained normal for a while, now I'm crashing.
Since I've posted, I've moved to Georgia with my aunt. I've started general therapy for depression and anxiety and all. I'm on medication, which is making me feel for the first time in over seven years. That and the emotional breakthroughs in therapy. I have a wonderful boyfriend. A wonderful boyfriend who smothers me with affection and gifts and way more than I deserve. A wonderful boyfriend who is smothering the life out of me. I've heard "I love you" 50 times. I haven't said it back once. Because I can't. Because I'm incapable. Because I'm not ready. Because I may destroy him with all that I am.
Then in therapy, there's David. I've known him a little over two months. We have so much in common. We talk for hours on end about everything. He pisses me off, he questions me, he challenges me, he looks out for me. He has his own mental dramas, so he's off limits. But I'm falling deeply for the person he is and who I know he could be. The one set back.. Well, two. *Make that three! Fuck* There is A. Caleb, the wonderful boyfriend who is smothering me. B. The fact that David and I are in therapy together and know each other deeply so it's so much bigger. And C. That I have absolutely zero spark. I love talking to him, I call him up when I'm sad or hurt or scared I'm going to do something I shouldn't. He's always there for me. I love making him laugh. But I have zero physical attraction to him.
Right now at this moment in time, I just want to kiss David to see if there is anything there. If there is something there, I think I would completely disolve things with Caleb. But I can't. He's just as fragile as I am. I could crush Caleb, but I may destroy David.
Caleb knows how I feel, that I have feelings for someone else. And he's fine with that. How can he be fine with that? I'm tearing myself up inside.. I'm not sure which way is up or down. I am destroying myself. Drinking, drugs, binges, not eating, emotionally. I hate it. I don't know which way to go. I don't know which boy I will destroy. But I know that I have comfort and security in Caleb, but I have emotions, depth, bonds with David. He's experienced things in a way that he can understand all of my mental fuck ups. I was right, my therapist needs to lock me in a room.
In other news, I've gotten a string of numbers for therapists and group therapies for eating disorders. I'm standing on the line. I want to call them, but I just can't make myself do it. But it's a start. I hope.
Since I've posted, I've moved to Georgia with my aunt. I've started general therapy for depression and anxiety and all. I'm on medication, which is making me feel for the first time in over seven years. That and the emotional breakthroughs in therapy. I have a wonderful boyfriend. A wonderful boyfriend who smothers me with affection and gifts and way more than I deserve. A wonderful boyfriend who is smothering the life out of me. I've heard "I love you" 50 times. I haven't said it back once. Because I can't. Because I'm incapable. Because I'm not ready. Because I may destroy him with all that I am.
Then in therapy, there's David. I've known him a little over two months. We have so much in common. We talk for hours on end about everything. He pisses me off, he questions me, he challenges me, he looks out for me. He has his own mental dramas, so he's off limits. But I'm falling deeply for the person he is and who I know he could be. The one set back.. Well, two. *Make that three! Fuck* There is A. Caleb, the wonderful boyfriend who is smothering me. B. The fact that David and I are in therapy together and know each other deeply so it's so much bigger. And C. That I have absolutely zero spark. I love talking to him, I call him up when I'm sad or hurt or scared I'm going to do something I shouldn't. He's always there for me. I love making him laugh. But I have zero physical attraction to him.
Right now at this moment in time, I just want to kiss David to see if there is anything there. If there is something there, I think I would completely disolve things with Caleb. But I can't. He's just as fragile as I am. I could crush Caleb, but I may destroy David.
Caleb knows how I feel, that I have feelings for someone else. And he's fine with that. How can he be fine with that? I'm tearing myself up inside.. I'm not sure which way is up or down. I am destroying myself. Drinking, drugs, binges, not eating, emotionally. I hate it. I don't know which way to go. I don't know which boy I will destroy. But I know that I have comfort and security in Caleb, but I have emotions, depth, bonds with David. He's experienced things in a way that he can understand all of my mental fuck ups. I was right, my therapist needs to lock me in a room.
In other news, I've gotten a string of numbers for therapists and group therapies for eating disorders. I'm standing on the line. I want to call them, but I just can't make myself do it. But it's a start. I hope.
Replies
first welcome back ! its been a whole year ! It doesnt sound like either relationship is a good one to pursue. Your boyfriend sounds way too needy to have a future with. He will always need need need... and david is a friend someone helping you with your issues. any chance of being alone for awhile, when you are stable for awhile you might attrack a guy who is perfect for you.