Oh so Frustrating, Aggravating, etc. etc.
Not even sure where to begin this. Everything went out of control rather abruptly and I don't know where this leaves me... emotionally or otherwise. My girlfriend and I have discussed marriage over the course of our seven year relationship and it is truly my desire to commit my life to my partner. However, there have been some concerns on my part and doubts as to whether I am ready to take that step.
Financially, I am barely able to provide basic needs for myself and we currently live in her mother's home. My partner has not held a job (even part time) since around Dec of 2010. She is a college graduate and I am not. I've been working since I was 15 years old and it's difficult for me to understand her mentality when it comes to this particular subject. She has been dealing with severe depression and anxiety for many years and I am always trying to utilize patience and understanding for her but it does wear thin at times.
Last fall she was bringing up ideas for a wedding with our friends who were immediately excited and happy to help with location etc. My partner sensed my reluctance and became visibly upset with me for not being completely overjoyed at the news. We left their house that evening and fought all the way home. Later that night, after emotions had cooled somewhat we held a more reasonable discussion where I explained to her that there were several changes I felt we both had to make in order to realistically plan the next part of our future together. She seemed to be more willing to listen and I asked her if we could revisit the wedding ideas/plans in a couple of months and see where we stood and how we both felt about it. She agreed.
In all honesty, I tend to repress most of my negative feelings and am not very open about discussing the worries and doubts that plague my mind. I will be honest when asked, but am not generally the one to broach those subjects. I'm also a "thinker" and will usually over-analyze my thoughts, feelings, even mundane moments and events before settling on a choice of action or opinion. My partner is a person who speaks her mind and I do respect her for that even if I may disagree from time to time. She is emotional, passionate and feels things very deeply which can and sometimes does affect her severely.
Lately she has been talking about moving and we just moved a year ago! I am not on board with the idea of moving just yet and we have no means to do that anyway. This has caused a few disagreements between us but no major blowups. Last night as we were getting ready for bed she began talking about a wedding and asked me why I was never the one to bring it up. I told her that I don't see how we can afford to get married right now and do we really want to be living in your mom's house as newlyweds trying to start our own life and family together? She became upset, irate even. Almost immediately. Accusing me of not caring about her at all. Not loving her as much as she loves me. She says it's obvious that I have resentment toward her - I'm sure that's true and admitted to it as well. Although I also told her that I try very hard not to let those resentments shade my opinions and affect the decisions we make as a couple. She went off on me saying that I always think I'm right, I do not have the same values as her because I value money as a priority. It is a priority but it's not the most important thing. She says I am not living as an independent adult which I claim to be. That hurts because I know that it's true.
I asked her why she thought I didn't care... In my mind, I try to make myself available to her when she needs me, show that I respect her as a person and am interested in her goals and dreams. I support the decisions she makes to better herself and be happy with who she is. I cook dinner for our household nearly every night so that she doesn't feel like the home chores are solely her responsibility. She really never gave me a solid answer but told me it is obvious to her that I care less than she does. I told her I think we've both sacrificed for the relationship and it is not one-sided. The independent thing bothers me because the one thing that keeps coming back to me is that I should just move out of the house. I feel like if I had my own space, took on the responsibility of providing a home for myself I would feel better about myself. The subject has come up before but I don't know what to do. Seven years together and we've lived together for most of that time. I don't want to end the relationship but I feel like I need to make those changes happen for my own well-being. If she can work and contribute to the expenses then I would happily look for a place with her. But at this time, I feel like my patience is running out! The other things is - I'm not the type to come home bitching every day saying "get a job" or trying to make her feel bad. I ask maybe once a week whether she has seen any openings, or what looks interesting to her? I let her tell me what's on her mind and I usually don't push the subject. I don't know what else to do at this point. Should I move out? Should I stay and just try to continue encouraging her? She's brought up relationship counseling in the past and I'm starting to think we should consider that more seriously. Any advice?
Financially, I am barely able to provide basic needs for myself and we currently live in her mother's home. My partner has not held a job (even part time) since around Dec of 2010. She is a college graduate and I am not. I've been working since I was 15 years old and it's difficult for me to understand her mentality when it comes to this particular subject. She has been dealing with severe depression and anxiety for many years and I am always trying to utilize patience and understanding for her but it does wear thin at times.
Last fall she was bringing up ideas for a wedding with our friends who were immediately excited and happy to help with location etc. My partner sensed my reluctance and became visibly upset with me for not being completely overjoyed at the news. We left their house that evening and fought all the way home. Later that night, after emotions had cooled somewhat we held a more reasonable discussion where I explained to her that there were several changes I felt we both had to make in order to realistically plan the next part of our future together. She seemed to be more willing to listen and I asked her if we could revisit the wedding ideas/plans in a couple of months and see where we stood and how we both felt about it. She agreed.
In all honesty, I tend to repress most of my negative feelings and am not very open about discussing the worries and doubts that plague my mind. I will be honest when asked, but am not generally the one to broach those subjects. I'm also a "thinker" and will usually over-analyze my thoughts, feelings, even mundane moments and events before settling on a choice of action or opinion. My partner is a person who speaks her mind and I do respect her for that even if I may disagree from time to time. She is emotional, passionate and feels things very deeply which can and sometimes does affect her severely.
Lately she has been talking about moving and we just moved a year ago! I am not on board with the idea of moving just yet and we have no means to do that anyway. This has caused a few disagreements between us but no major blowups. Last night as we were getting ready for bed she began talking about a wedding and asked me why I was never the one to bring it up. I told her that I don't see how we can afford to get married right now and do we really want to be living in your mom's house as newlyweds trying to start our own life and family together? She became upset, irate even. Almost immediately. Accusing me of not caring about her at all. Not loving her as much as she loves me. She says it's obvious that I have resentment toward her - I'm sure that's true and admitted to it as well. Although I also told her that I try very hard not to let those resentments shade my opinions and affect the decisions we make as a couple. She went off on me saying that I always think I'm right, I do not have the same values as her because I value money as a priority. It is a priority but it's not the most important thing. She says I am not living as an independent adult which I claim to be. That hurts because I know that it's true.
I asked her why she thought I didn't care... In my mind, I try to make myself available to her when she needs me, show that I respect her as a person and am interested in her goals and dreams. I support the decisions she makes to better herself and be happy with who she is. I cook dinner for our household nearly every night so that she doesn't feel like the home chores are solely her responsibility. She really never gave me a solid answer but told me it is obvious to her that I care less than she does. I told her I think we've both sacrificed for the relationship and it is not one-sided. The independent thing bothers me because the one thing that keeps coming back to me is that I should just move out of the house. I feel like if I had my own space, took on the responsibility of providing a home for myself I would feel better about myself. The subject has come up before but I don't know what to do. Seven years together and we've lived together for most of that time. I don't want to end the relationship but I feel like I need to make those changes happen for my own well-being. If she can work and contribute to the expenses then I would happily look for a place with her. But at this time, I feel like my patience is running out! The other things is - I'm not the type to come home bitching every day saying "get a job" or trying to make her feel bad. I ask maybe once a week whether she has seen any openings, or what looks interesting to her? I let her tell me what's on her mind and I usually don't push the subject. I don't know what else to do at this point. Should I move out? Should I stay and just try to continue encouraging her? She's brought up relationship counseling in the past and I'm starting to think we should consider that more seriously. Any advice?
Replies
I think relationship counseling is always a good idea!
It doesn\'t seem like a good idea to bail out quickly over something that\'s come up abruptly and might turn out to be not so bad as it seems right now.
Thanks Karen. I\'m definitely not trying to end this relationship especially based on recent events. And althaough this particular instance escalated quickly, the subject is one we\'ve struggled with over the years. I just wonder sometimes if space apart would help us or hurt us. I do think we would benefit from some mediation and objective counseling.