oh so angry
Today I woke up mad. just pissed off. not at anyone in particular, just angry. that this has happened to us, that we have to go through this at all.
I went to therapy on Wednesday (best decision I have made in a long time). this was our second session. and I came to realize that not only am I grieving over the loss of our tiny baby, but I am dealing with the frustration and fear and disappointment we have endured for the last two years.
Up until my miscarriage, it was go go go. over a year of trying every month naturally - and in between all that my DH being test and me being test (flow test, blood work, etc). then Clomid for five months. Then one IUI, second IUI, then a cyst, then a 3rd IUI, then surgery to remove polyps from my uterus, then IVF, then pregnancy, then miscarriage. BAM, BAM, BAM.....crash.
I mean, damn. how much can one person take in over the course of just over two years? I hadn't realized how suppressed my feelings were, b'c we were just in survival mode - we were doing what we had to do and that was that.
now that everything has come to a screeching halt, I am FORCED to acknowledge all of these emotions and I feel very overwhelmed.
not to mention that yesterday was horrific - all of the pictures of babies and kids dressed up. like a knife to my hear every time. I hated yesterday with a passion.
I went to therapy on Wednesday (best decision I have made in a long time). this was our second session. and I came to realize that not only am I grieving over the loss of our tiny baby, but I am dealing with the frustration and fear and disappointment we have endured for the last two years.
Up until my miscarriage, it was go go go. over a year of trying every month naturally - and in between all that my DH being test and me being test (flow test, blood work, etc). then Clomid for five months. Then one IUI, second IUI, then a cyst, then a 3rd IUI, then surgery to remove polyps from my uterus, then IVF, then pregnancy, then miscarriage. BAM, BAM, BAM.....crash.
I mean, damn. how much can one person take in over the course of just over two years? I hadn't realized how suppressed my feelings were, b'c we were just in survival mode - we were doing what we had to do and that was that.
now that everything has come to a screeching halt, I am FORCED to acknowledge all of these emotions and I feel very overwhelmed.
not to mention that yesterday was horrific - all of the pictures of babies and kids dressed up. like a knife to my hear every time. I hated yesterday with a passion.
Replies
I\'m so happy you started therapy. I know for me it\'s been life saving. It\'s hard to think of all we put into ttc and all the heartbreak we get. I was actually happy that I was doing pretty well yesterday overall with it being halloween and seeing the kids and pics, etc. but last night it sorta hit me. I dread halloween every year because to me it only serves as a reminder of what is missing and it feels too sad to bear. I am hoping your therapist continues to help you feel stronger and find your way back to some joy.
I am sorry yesterday was hard for you. I think any occasion that calls for kids and baby pictures and activities (pumpkin patches, july 4th fireworks, etc, etc, etc, etc, ETC) are hard for us. because we so desperate to participate - as a mother. not as an aunt or a friend. as a MOMMY to our own baby.
I know exactly how you feel, I have been a super angry B these past two weeks and I honestly think because I haven\'t porcesssed my feelings about what I\'ve gone through. Besides the IVF (waiting to do that in Jan), I\'ve gone through the same things. I\'m so sorry that you have to go through this but I\'m happy that you are finding counseling. I think we all should do therapy just for our sanity through this whole process, my thoughts are with you! XOXO
I do understand what you are going through. I have only been the aunt, the friend for so long I can\'t even count anymore. I would never change those years of being there for my nieces, loving them, spoiling them. We deserve to have that happiness as well. I am so glad you have someone to talk to, to bring those feelings to the surface so you can heal and move on. We are all here for you honey, please never forget that.
I can relate to the flurry of emotions you are feeling! I def agree that is sucks but it takes a lot of strength and courage to acknowledge it the way you are and I believe that is part of grieving and working through. When we stuff this sort of thing it just festers and leaves us more and more angry and bitter. When we\'re able to admit, name, vocalize it and let it out we are working through. I commend you for being so strong and working through this shitty hand you\'ve been dealt the past few years.
Hugs!
I\'m so sorry hun. You\'ve been through so much, and it\'s super unfair. I\'m glad you\'re getting counseling to take care of yourself. Hugs!!
I know, you are explaining the pain we all feel well. I Am happy you are seeing a therapist to help get through this. I need to take the time to do this also. Wishing you an easier emotional recovery. :-/
Wow! You have been through so much! But you are still standing, and going to therapy shows that you haven\'t been defeated. I am glad you have decided to get help, because IF affects every part of who we are. Our emotions, our health, our finances, our faith, our relationships. Everything! Don\'t forget, you are not alone!
Gosh... You are really hurting. I wish I could take it all away. I am so sorry for all of this shit.. I hope that it can pass and you will heal very soon. xoxox