Oh SiGH!

Oh my - I feel like i need to do a MASSIVE sigh.. eVerything is so tight in me.. my emotions, my experiences and I just long to go have fun. I've been pushing and pushing internally and doing SO WELL - I have really been recognizing that my coping skills are improving because the internal language and sometimes the things I need to say privately aloud to myself are 'Keep going', 'It will get better', 'Don't give up', 'Now is the time'. And I'm really hearing it but I feel like i'm having to do it all the time. I feel like no one is really here to look after me. God will you please be that to me? I have no one like you and I feel like I haven't the energy to invest in prayer and bible reading and yet I need to learn that just mere surrender to find truth in God doesn't take all that much but will fill me up and enable me to give. Ok so.. action plan here! If anyone is reading this by the way - PLEASE help me find some action plans too - if you are someone who has found that you are a bit on your own with things. I guess we all are in the end.  So I'm going to save up for some Koorong CD's and get together a good worship mix - OR borrow (save money stress).I'm going to visit a church more regularly, stop stressing about not finding one I like and just try different ones instead of forcing myself to go to the ones I'm not terribly digging.I'm going to spend the time at the beginning or end of the day to worship and just absorb in God - this is in the times when I feel like 'doing' is too much (which i feel a lot of lately). It's difficult to justify everyday living , eating healthy, going to the gym - when so many souls are going to hell and I should really be putting more into spending time with God.I try to do that when i'm doing these things but it doesn't really work well... it's not giving God all my heart. Anyway I'm going to use this diary less as a 'I ate today' thing as I was.. because it's giving too much focus to that. I'm just going to try and write it down elsewhere because if anyone reads that - how boring! and as if i ever will. anyway.. SIGH!~