Oh No Two Times Again

I came in really needing to go to the bathroom.  She commented that man was not out there today.  No.  But I quickly told her I needed to go to the bathroom.  I either said real badly or looked like it.  I told her I want to try one of the products I had brought last time.  She quickly got that bag out of her drawer and also another bag that was mine that had products in it.  I had completely forgotten about that one and looked to see what was inside – old stuff we had once used.  Maybe it was what she had tried with me a long time ago (there were 2 Big Bertha’s in there).  I didn’t even remember nor did I look at them closely.  Gross!  She said something about putting plastic down in which we never got a chance to.  On the floor?  On the couch?  Don’t know.  I told her how I want her to look so see if it shows but I’m not sure because I peed a little walking into her office.  We never got to do that because I peed so fast.  She turned around commenting about organizing her sand table items and how great it is to start off like ‘with a bang’ without saying those words.  Her tone was very happy.   I quickly put the pad on, I had taken my shoes off and told her she could turn around.  As soon as she turned around I asked her if I should do this standing up or sitting down.  She said it was up to me.  By then I was going to the bathroom.  “I’m going.”  I told her standing there crossing my legs, turning towards the side and then just looking down.  She told me to pretend like I’m waiting in line to get into a bathroom.    Soon I looked up and she asked me if I wanted her to look to check.  I wasn’t sure.  Then I told her I’ll look first.  I mumbled that I might not be able to tell with how much I went walking in.  She looked away while I looked.  After I had looked (only took a few seconds) I told her it didn’t work all the way – you still can see.  She was facing me now and she asked me if I wanted her to look.  I looked down and was just about showing her and then I looked up.  She was looking straight at me and said, “I saw.  I just looked.  I’m sorry.”  It looked like it helped but not all the way.  It was wet in front across the top – both sides.  I’m wondering now why she didn’t sit down this whole time.  I’m so glad.  I feel better with her standing up with me.  I don’t feel so singled out doing this and if she was sitting her view would be perfect and no way would I want that.  She asked me if I wanted to go change in the bathroom.  I was worried someone was out there.  She said no one’s here.  I told her someone walked in the waiting room.  She said she was for her partner.  Just then, she was right at the door about to open it if I wanted to go, she heard them out there and paused.  So she knew I wouldn’t go out now.  I told her it’s OK.  I’ll change in there if she just will turn around.  She did.   After she asked me how I felt.  OK but it didn’t work completely.  She asked me what I used.  A Poise pad with 3 or 4 pads filled in out of 5.  I had so many bags next to me.  We kind of laughed.  I gave her my extra clothes and wasn’t sure about what to do with everything else.  I ended up condensing 2 wet pants (I had another accident later) into one again and gave her the other 2 products bags to put away for me.  I said I couldn’t carry them all (well that extra product one) back to the massage therapist because I just had too many.  And, last time she did look well at the bag I had although she didn’t say anything.  My therapist said nothing.  I did tell her after, last time I did walk to the store.  At first I was going to just walk to the door and leave.  But I decided to keep going forward and go in.  I didn’t buy anything but I did talk to someone at the back counter.  Then I left, walked back to my car and drove home.  See … I can do it.  But there’s a ‘but’ in there.  But I didn’t have to go to the bathroom – I had just gone before I went to the store.  She mentioned about me being concerned of it dripping while I’m walking.  I told her that’s mostly when I have shorts on.  Not so much in pants.  I asked her if she saw anything, in pants, the last few times.  No.  I told her I don’t know – I didn’t look back but sometimes there’s a few drips even with pants.  I told her I kept thinking about it last time.  That loosing control feeling and it doesn’t feel very good.  First I said it wasn’t shame but maybe it was.  Just kind of angry at myself and kept thinking about it.  It took a while to go away.    So I told her I’m going to call my aunt and I’m real anxious about it.  She wanted to talk a little first about it.  We did.  I even said how I talked to my cousin, who we have to see privately and she’s all excited.  Even though we are only going to see her for an hour.  I called (I said how I know her number by heart) and at first it was OK and then I talked to her nurse and she wrote down things.  Then my aunt started to get very mean and not saying nice things.  My therapist, just smiling several times when she was doing this, told me to wrap things up, do my little sayings and hang up.  I tried.  She kept asking questions and continued to say mean things.  My therapist told me to tell her I’ll mail something to her.  I didn’t because the nurse already wrote it down.  Finally we hung up and my aunt didn’t sound very happy.  My therapist again said about mailing something to her.  To write big in printing.  I didn’t say but I don’t want to – her nurse wrote it all down.  My aunt is very confused and angry I’m sure because she can’t do what she used to be able to do at almost 95.  In the beginning my therapist told me her husband had an aunt who acted just like this so she has lots of experience with it.   But she noticed that there was something deeper with this with me than just someone being mad at me.  Yes.  I don’t want people to be mad at me – in the past or now – no one does.  And she wasn’t always like this.  And how my family is so intriguing with my grandfather who he was but very mean and phobic and my grandmother who I adored and want to be like her with my grandkids.  I never met my grandfather but did my grandmother and I was born on her birthday. How he was very pious and graduated from the University of Vienna and my grandmother’s family is well known – maybe that’s how I got my writing skills.  During this I needed to go to the bathroom.  She asked me if I wanted to wait or go.  I wanted to wait.  It was hard to talk at one point but I pushed through it – I really did and I think did well in concentrating and talking for a change.  Once she asked me if I wanted to go.  No, I wanted to wait a little longer.  Maybe a minute, or less, later I said, “I really need to go,” and got up and went.  But I wet my pants all the way to the bathroom.   I came back, stretching my shirt down my pants legs as far as I could to cover, telling her I did it again.  I told her how I peed all the way to the bathroom.  So she got my bag out with another change of clothes and gave it to me.  She turned around again while I changed.  I think I covered it OK and I don’t think she looked but it was really going down my legs fairly far with the wetness on my jeans.    She turned back around after I changed.  “How are you feeling?” she asked me.  I shrugged, put up my arms and said, “OK.  What can I say?”  As if to say it is what it is.  "I tried.  I really tried hard," I told her.  She knows.  I asked her how long it was.  She said I waited 7 minutes and it was closer into the session than usual that I had to go.  It was only half an hour when I can go 45 minutes into the session without having to go.  I commented that I can’t seem to get past that 7 minute mark these day.  But, I can, I know I can!   At that I could tell she was thinking what to say – how to phrase it.  She told me that she thinks I push myself too far because I want to do it so badly.  I need successes too.   I told her last time I just don’t know what happened – both times.  This time, today, I just had to go too badly and I wanted to test that pad out.  The second time – again, I don’t know what happened.  I told her I really wanted to go walking but I had to go too badly and knew I couldn’t.  She said I already did 2 hard things today (testing the pad out and calling my Aunt).  She asked me if, and then I filled in the rest of the sentence, being upset about having to call my aunt came into play.  Yes.  She asked me if I had to go faster again and couldn’t hold it as long because of it.  Yes.   Once she said something about it being safe there.  Yes.  But another time she said about it can’t be too hard for me that bad things can happen.  I can’t remember exactly what she said but something like that.  I think that having too many accidents, or not successful, then I feel worse and it’s too hard.    She said next time we’ll do an exercise of how I can deal with my aunt so it’s not like I’m a little kid.  How I can take charge.  This is so I can have an enjoyable visit.  I said also about with my son.  She said that would be a second exercise.   We need to talk more about that.  I checked 2 times my home phone to see if my aunt called back.  No – thank goodness.  But I don’t know if she’ll call during the week.  We talked about calling or checking in before I go.  My cousin said to but I don’t want to call my aunt again.  She said most people do check in that week before they go.    So we talked about other things.  I told her about my friend’s husband’s mother dying and going over there.  It was nice seeing her though.  And about the reunion.  “Yes, the reunion,” she was interested.  I told her it was very crowded and not a whole lot of people from my grade school – surprising.  It was an off year.  It was OK.  She said she’s only gone to college reunions – not high school.  We’ve never had a college reunion.  I talked to my kids/my grandson’s pediatrician about the swine flu and he said the kids aren’t that sick.  The parents are more worried and I asked about throwing up and he said no – none of that going around now.  Good.  I told her about how my daughter told me on Sunday she’s not talked to her youngest brother since he left a year ago.  She’s called, the kids have called and he never returns the calls.  She’s a ‘tough cookie’ – a fighter and not as sensitive as I am - but I’m sure it bothers her.  It bothers me a lot.  I didn’t raise him like that.  They were close as kids.  I want to say, “What’s wrong with you?” but know I have to say it appropriately.  I have always told my kids to stay close.  Family is the most important thing.  My husbands family doesn’t and I hate that.  And I was an only child (tons of cousins – maybe 40).  She said to mention it quickly to him at some point and don’t call him about it before I go.  Nor about picking up his things like I offered and he had an attitude and hung up, never called me back. She said some boys at this age have to do this and then eventually they come back to the family.  It’s been going on a while – since he’s been on his own.  She also said about him being disorganized and his ADD and his pot smoking (we laughed) – they may all be a factor.    I talked a little about my grandson and how yesterday he had no medicine and I really enjoyed him like a regular kid.  I can understand he needs medicines for school for concentrating but I believe medicine should only be taken when absolutely necessary.  He’s always very good for me.  It’s hard when you are not the parent and you’re the grandparent.  It’s my daughter’s decision.  But I feel better saying something to my daughter than if it was a daughter-in-law.    I told her we have another friends event this weekend and it’s walking – a walking trail and … here we go again!  She said it’s good I’m doing these things.  Yes, sometimes I feel like not but I do them.  The last time we walked I didn’t go but for other reasons, too (I didn’t say).  So I don’t know what to do.  It’s not my event so I no nothing about where we are going.  She said to research it and then we’ll talk about it Thursday.  I will.   I told her how we also need to work more with products and do more exposures again.  She said she’d really like to see me invent a way to get around that.  To invent something that would help myself and others that are in my position, too.  Something with a skirt and bike shorts.  I didn’t say but I really don’t think bike shorts will work.  I think they are like that tummy holder underwear we tried.  It would still go to the ground but my pants wouldn’t get wet with wearing a skirt.  But, if I wore a skirt to walking everyone would wonder what’s going on with me.  It would be so unlike me.  But I didn’t say any of this.  I just looked at her like ‘is she kidding?’ and ‘I don’t know what she’s talking about (I really don’t).’   She said maybe she’ll find something for me.  “Like bring in clothes for me?”  We’ll have to see this one!  I told her I called insurance and handed her a piece of paper what they said about how many sessions I have and used and renewal.  I get 52 for the year and I said I have plenty left over.  She asked me if she should bill insurance this one.  I again said how I’m afraid I’ll need an extra, extra one and commented about unless she’d be tired of seeing me.  She didn’t say anything at all about that and said it’s up to me.  I told her I’d pay her and we’ll see what happens later.  Also on the bottom of that piece of paper was the name of a restaurant that my old boss’s cousin, and I went to school with her, owns in San Francisco she might like to try – it may be a little pricey.   So I left and went to the massage therapist.  I told my therapist to keep that one bag because last time she sure noticed my bag.  I couldn’t carry any more.  When I went into my massage therapist she went right back out again, maybe talked to my therapist about something.  She came back in but a knock on the door from a Ruth.  There was a mix up in times and she had to reschedule with her for the 19th at 1:30.  So maybe it was about that but of course I wonder if it’s something about me.  We talked a little – the 3 of us.  This lady is from New York and I told the story about my garage door and having to call the police to check (she left her purse out in the waiting area).  This woman sees my therapist, too.  Wonder if this is who she gave my card to about organizing and they never called me.  My massage therapist did say she called my therapist this morning and it sounded almost like she had to change something.  But she didn’t say what.  I worry too much.  But that’s because I hide so much and I don’t want any “cat” to be let out of the bag by anyone.    So how am I feeling now?  After 2 rough sessions in a row I want to say, “I quit.  I’m done.  I don’t want to do this anymore.  It’s all too hard.”  So half of me wants to do that.  That’s the immature, irrational half.  The rational, mature half says to keep on moving on/forward and moving through like I’ve been doing.  Yes, it’s hard.  Yes, I have lots of accidents – and in front of her.  But that’s OK.  I have to keep doing all what I’m doing.  Giving up does not solve problems.  She’s the safest and only person I’d do these things with.  I’m hoping if I feel safe with her I’ll begin to feel safe with other about this problem and stop hiding it all the time.  But I hate having all these accidents.  It makes me feel badly about myself.  That I’m not a good person.  That I’m not likeable.  That I’m a failure and not worthy of anything.  That … well, it can go on and on.  But I have to learn not to think this way.  But it’s really hard not to … really hard.  And it’s double hard because I have to do this so all alone after I leave her.  Can’t talk to anyone, can’t call her.  I hate this!!  And now I’m worried about the walk event this coming weekend.  I looked it up.  It’s a paved trail, wide open, no trees, nothing around close and a fair amount of people.  That freaks me out just thinking about it.  What am I going to do?  I’m so so very very tired of dealing with this time and time again!!!!  I’m so afraid she’s tired of it.  I’m afraid she thinks badly of me for my problem and for making it a problem because of all the worry I do about it.  I want people to like me and not not like me.  I want to like me, too.  And right now I don’t like myself very much.  I also feel pressured about testing these products out, doing exposures and talking about things that we aren’t going to have enough time.  And that she doesn’t seem to want me to use my extra sessions as extra sessions to see me.  See … she’s probably as tired of this as I am.  But soon, very soon, the trip will be here.  Why can’t this whole problem go far away?  Stop bothering me.  Go away into outer space and never come back!