Oh No Not Again And Twice

Well I had 2 accidents at my therapist’s today.  One big one and one little one but … still.  I came in and she asked me if I’m tired of coming.  I asked her if she’s tired of seeing me yet (this is the fourth day in a row).  She said, “No not at all.”  I told her, “Just think, pretty soon you won’t see me for almost 2 weeks.”  I went on to say that at least last night I didn’t have to talk.  She said how it’ll be a nice break for me not having to focus so much on my problem.  Yes.  She knows I deal with it every day but not as intensely like we do.    So I told her pretty much right away that I was ready to go next door and get something at the bakery counter.  “You are?” she asked not really too surprised.  But I told her I needed to go to the bathroom and she said, “OK, so you want to go right now?”  Yes.  She asked me where I wanted to use the bathroom.  I said I could over there, downstairs here, upstairs here – I wasn’t sure.  She said we’ll just see what happens.  Yes.  I brought extra clothes and told her I wanted to bring them with me.  I went into my purse to take my 2.00 out, asking if it was 2.00 and not 3.00 from last time.  2.00.  She said I can take my purse, too to cover if I need to.  I hesitated and she said, “You don’t have to, it’s up to you.”  I didn’t.  So we set off.  First we passed the massage therapist who I’m sure wonders where we go like this – frequently she sees us.  Then we passed the man in the waiting room, waiting for the male counselor, who I always talk to before I go in on Thursdays.  He looked like, “Where are you going?” because he knew I just got there and it was strange walking out with my counselor.  I just said, “We’ll be back.”  And, I had that bag in my hand that hopefully no one noticed.  I think there was someone else waiting out there, too.    We walked down the stairs and I felt like I was really needing to go but didn’t say anything.  I wanted to do this.  She was the first out the door and commented, “It’s really hot out here.”  It was.  We didn’t get too far at all outside and I started to have that struggling look on my face and whatever I do trying to walk when I have to go so badly.  I think I hesitate and put my hands on my thighs, maybe bend over a little.  I’m not quite sure because I can’t see myself.  She looked at me and first asked, “How are you doing?”  I don’t think I answered – just looked like I really needed to go or was about to or going.  “Are you pushing yourself too far?” she asked me.  And then answered her question in an instant, “Yes, you are.”  I’m not sure if she said we are going back or just turned around and headed back to the front door. I don’t think I said a word.  I just stood there going to the bathroom, not quite sure what to do.  Maybe I said, “Oh no!”  - maybe not.  Quickly I stepped a step or two into the wood chips so I wouldn’t go all over the concrete.  She said to go in the back.  So that’s what we did.  Walked from the front of the building, into the parking lot, into the side grass and to the back of the building and back inside through the back door.  Still on the front parking lot I only remember saying, “Oh, her name.”  I don’t recall what she said back to me.  I suppose to keep going but I have no idea – it was something.  My memory again – on vacation.  She walked ahead of me again.  I think she said she’s not looking.  Maybe she does that not to look to give me my privacy.  She knows I don’t want anyone to see.  But it’s hard to walk fast when you are actually peeing.  You still try to hold it and you can’t do both very well.  Then after it’s over you lag behind because you are so embarrassed.    I did catch up to her on the grassy area going in the back.  I said, “Damn it!”  She told me like it’s OK, that things don’t always go the way we want them to or plan for them to go.  I kept walking and trying to cover with the bag I was carrying.  She went into the building and checked that hallway first to see if the door to those tenants was open.  No.  So she told me to go ahead and she’d wait for me by the steps.    I went into the bathroom and changed.  Took a little longer again – more to clean up (even my shoes – flip flops – again but I didn’t tell her).  When I came out she put her arms only half way up in a ‘yeah’ this time.  She knew it really wasn’t a ‘yeah’.  I guess she wanted to keep my spirits up.  So we walked 2 flights back up the stairs to her office.  I don’t think we talked much.  But I do remember her telling me (2X – once walking up and once back in the office) that we can try this again later in the session again if I would like to.  Yes, I would like to do that.  I also said that I hope it dries by then – it probably will – it’s hot out there.  I also told her that man came in today and said, “Hi Miss Sunshine!”  She said I must be the highlight of his day.  Maybe?  So I lead in and noticed her door was closed.  I hesitated.  She said that’s OK – no one’s in there.  She told me I closed the door maybe because of our purses being in there.  I had no recollection of closing the door at all.  And, the second time we left I even quietly said, “I’m not closing the door.”  That was weird.  So we sat down and talked.  She said she didn’t notice that mole on my leg before.  I looked.  It was a piece of wood chip when I stepped over there.  I took it off and threw it away in her trash can.  She asked me what I thought why that happened like that – what do I think.  I told her probably because I already needed to go to the bathroom.  Yeah.  I told her it’s a good thing I had my clothes with me.  She reminded me of that for the trip and other times – to do that.  I said how in Mexico I will probably have shorts on.  Shorts are bad because it’s messier.    She asked me if I wanted to look at pictures of the wedding because she knew I brought them.  She said it would be a good diversion (we’ve done that before).  Yes.  First I wanted to know if last time when those drip drops were down the hallway did she know – did she see them – before I told her.  Yes.  It looked like she was waiting for me to say more or she was going to but no one did.  So I showed her the wedding pictures and who’s who and especially the guy she was seeing – without his hat or hoodie.  And, how my kids said he looks so different like in a different family – all his plastic surgeries.  But he did well.  I showed her the daughter who remembers her son from school before she moved.  Later she asked me what percentage of the time did I spend worrying at the wedding.  At the reception not too much because I was so busy taking pictures and getting people.  And the bathroom was right there – I could see it.  She asked me how many times I went.  About 3 between 8 PM and midnight.  We both thought that was not too bad at all.  She thought others may go that much.  I looked doubtfully at her.  She said probably two times.  I said, yes if they were drinking.  I wasn’t drinking much.  As far as the ceremony goes I was more worried.  And she said that probably made me have to go quicker.  Yes.  I told her what happened last night with the kids – really my grandson – misunderstanding she wasn’t going to see him at all when they said no.  They were playing cards with me and wanted not to stop to go in with her.  But he thought it would still be his turn later and it wouldn’t be.   That’s why I let him go knock on the door but they were already finished.  I saw that coming.   Then I guessed she caught the “wet shirt” comment.  I think she did.  My daughter didn’t say ‘why?’ or ‘Mom, I notice’ it was a “How come your shirt is wet?”  So what I heard was shirt (a garment) wet.  The wet got me going.  I think my granddaughter, with all the hugs she gives me, slobbered on my shirt and that’s how it got wet.  She asked me how that made me feel when I heard it.  Like I did something I didn’t know I did.  It scared me a second.  She said she bets I was glad when I looked down and saw it was just my shirt.  Yes.  Then we started talking about the trip.  What to pack?  She asked me how many nights?  4 nights, 5 days.  I told her when anyone asks me I always tell them how ever many days plus one more – just in case.  But I’m not like everyone else.  She nodded in agreement.  We decided we were more concerned about bottoms.  Yes.  How many shorts normally?  6.  So we decided on 10.  How many pants normally?  2.  So we decided on 3.  How many pajamas?  She asked me how many normally?  On my girl trip or with my husband?  With my husband.  Three?  I told her I don’t wear pajamas – except in the wintertime.  I wear little shorts and a shirt.  We did not talk about night time or Big Bertha yet.  No – I don’t want to!  And, about pads – we didn’t talk this time about that either.  Next time – I guess.  But she is very good with problem solving with me and offers many suggestions and is very good in trying to figure out things with me.  Very nice.  I told her they don’t have laundry facilities – just a laundry service.  She said I may need to pay and I said I didn’t want to pay 10.00 for a pair of pants.  She said to be prepared and bring some detergent in a little baggie and wash it out in the room.  Yes, I can.  She said about bringing light material pants (I tried but can’t find any low cut enough) and shorts.  Yes.  She said there are leggings of like a biking shorts (sort of) material I can wear.  Someone my age wore them earlier this week and she looked cute.  She asked me if I’m bringing my long dress? Maybe and that would be good.  We know how well it stands up to wetness and doesn’t show.  She asked me about any skirts?  No.  Any other dresses?  No.  We talked earlier how I have only one suitcase and one carry-on.  Not a lot of room and I’m concerned about everything fitting.    I asked her how many accidents she thought I was going to have.  She thought.  Maybe once a day.  I said I thought that what we had said before.  But, I told her, most of them were around traveling.  Sometimes I’d have 2-3 in a day and then not at all.  She said in the resort I shouldn’t have to worry too much.  It’s mostly trips.  Right but this is a huge resort with many buildings and what if we are at the beach and far away.    OK … I needed to go to the bathroom again.  So we left right away this time.  We passed that other social worker on the steps again with her asking my therapist how she’s doing.  Very well.  Wonder if she recognized me with her again and what she thinks.  I asked her again who she was when she was out of site and thought it was her again.  So we got back outside and I commented how you couldn’t see anything – it had dried.  She asked me if I’m seeing the massage therapist after.  Yes and it’s only my 10 minute dealie and I have to pick up my grandson at 4PM.  I asked her if it’s OK just to stay there in her waiting room because it’s silly for me to go home when it’s so nearby.  I have my IPod to listen to.  I guess she said yes – I can’t remember.  Well … she didn’t say no.  I don’t think she would care.  We walked into the store, I think I lead again.  I briefly looked around to see if there was anyone I knew while we went up to the bakery counter.  I asked her what she wanted.  She said she didn’t need anything to get my grandson something instead.  I said no and asked her to choose something – what ever she wanted (she first wanted me to choose – no).  She said the same as last time.  So I asked for 2 in separate bags.  The girl was very slow.  I looked at my therapist once and she gave me a big grin and didn’t say anything.  She got them together, cashed me out, gave me the change and we walked out.  I asked her something, or commented, when we got outside but I can’t remember what.  I can’t remember what we talked about on the way back, if we did, because I started to have to go to the bathroom bad again.  Oh, I do remember when we were about to cross in the store’s parking lot she quickly said, “Watch the car.”  It scared me and I startled some and said that.  We heard popping sounds.  I said, “What is that?”  She didn’t know but noticed the floor in the store was shaking and thought maybe it always did that.  I told her I didn’t notice.  I’m thinking just now – did I escalate this – or did I really start having to go worse at this point.  I think she knew at this point it was getting harder for me.  Getting towards the door of our building she asked me if I wanted to go downstairs or upstairs.  I couldn’t think.  I just said I didn’t know.  I know she was waiting for an answer so I said, when we got inside, “Upstairs.”    So we started walking up the stairs.  She could tell I was struggling.  “How are you doing?” she asked me.  “OK.”  I was going at a little slower pace, so was she, but consistent.  Maybe I made an indication I was about to go or going and she asked me again, “How are you doing?”  She took the two bags of goodies to hold from me.  She said something encouraging to me but I have no idea what it was.  Keep going or keep calm (not those words) or I’ll be fine or something.  So we went to the top of the stairs and into her office and I went straight into the bathroom.    I didn’t quite make it all the way and when I came back into her office (I had another pair of shorts on) I tried to pull my shirt down so she couldn’t see anything and said, “My pants are wet.”  She asked me if I wanted to change and said maybe I should since she knew I wasn’t going straight home and it’d be a while.  I guess she figured they weren’t too wet since I was able to come back into her office.  I told her yes I wanted to change.  She got my bag out of her drawer, I asked her to turn around, she did and I changed into my jeans.  I told her I’d just change in there because I didn’t want the massage therapist to see me again.  She said maybe some day she’ll know about it.  I don’t think so, I told her.  Whew!  When she turned back around all I could say was, “I wish things were different.”  “I know you do,” she replied back.  We talked quite a bit about what happened.  I wanted to know what happened and what she said to me – both times.  The first time I told her I couldn’t go inside there in the front.  I’m not sure what she said she said to me.  The second time she said how both women there are very slow.  I told her it seemed like to me she was doing it in slow motion.  She should have gotten both bags and not one at a time.  I jokingly said, “And you didn’t even pay them to move that slowly.”  She laughed.  She said I did look nervous but no one knew.  I didn’t move around very much.  Good.  I felt like I was asking a lot of questions but at the time I don’t remember anything when this happens to me.  At one point she asked me if doing these is still helpful to me.  Yes – it is.  It reminds me of what to do.  I just don’t have her with me so I have to ask myself what she would be doing or saying to me.  I just hope she didn’t think I asked too many questions about it.  I feel bad I can’t remember.  I felt like we were going on & on about the same things all the time and there’s nothing else to do or say about it.  One time I said I didn’t want to talk about it anymore.  We ended up back on it though.  Figures.   We talked about my friend with OCD and she said that’s worse than my problem.  I asked how?  She said that it’s a constant thing and they can’t get over it.  I told her I think about this a lot and didn’t think I have OCD.  No – she said mine in an anxiety because of it.    She wonders if I push myself too much.  I told her that I want to do it so bad I just keep thinking I can.  Like power of suggestion:  I can do this, I can do this.  She said that’s OK but I have to be prepared if it doesn’t work all the time.  Right.  I told her like she asked me if I was going to take any extra clothes to the wedding.  No!  I get tired of it.  She talked about a gel she saw in a magazine she’ll bring in to show me.  She said to keep exploring things like this because it’d be a shame to miss out on something that would help.  I told her I’ve already tried 4 medicines and they didn’t.  Maybe this gel would work – that would be great.  She said maybe some operation to expand out in the future – who knows.   We talked about Kegels.  I told her when I have to go that badly I just hold on tight and don’t let go.  As tightly as I can.  She said to imagine my bladder expanding.  She said to practice the Kegels in between and keep drinking  and practicing at home to make my bladder stretch out and expand.  Yes.  She asked me with the Kegels are my muscles strong.  I looked at her and smiled.  “Not as strong as I’d like them to be, I guess.”  I didn’t say but if they were strong would I have this problem?  But I know she means to make them stronger.  She chuckled and said ‘training for my muscles’.    She said if something happens and I start having an accident to go somewhere else or lean up against the wall.  Then to think for a minute about what I want to do.  I  chuckled and said, “Yeah, as I’m peeing all over.”  What could she say?  She’s trying to get me to not “freeze” about it.  She said I did “freeze” today when that happened outside going to the store.    I told her today about the kids wanting me to go to the zoo with them Saturday and my husband may not be able to go (he’s on call) to a boat cruise on Sunday.  She said that sounds like fun.  I said yes but I have to think about it and get scared.  “And, you have to prepare about it, too.”  I’m sure she means extra clothes and such.  But the point is, I didn’t say but imply it, everything I do!    She was a little confused about when I’ll be going on my trip.  She knew we have just 2 more times before:  next Monday and Wednesday.  She thought I’ll be gone for 2 weeks.  No – just 5 days but I’ll see her on Wednesday and then not again until Monday almost 2 weeks later.  She said next Thursday she’ll be going to Ohio after her seminar on Wednesday.  And her cruise is the 1st week of September.  I asked her if she’ll be gone all week?  Yes.  I gave her a look that that’ll be hard for me.  She said I can see the massage therapist more.  She said she’s going with her step-mom and 2 sisters – 4 of them.  I said 4 is a good number.  That’s what we had on our girl trip.  2 and 2 can pair off together or all 4.  3 is kind of hard.    So I left and she told me to have a nice massage.  Thank you.  I went to the bathroom before going in.  When I was coming out, again my therapist saw me right there.  She was carrying styrofoam cups to the drink station right there.  I shouldn’t feel bad.  She knows I go to the bathroom sometimes before I go in to her.  I don’t do it, thought if I’ve just been.  It had been a little bit and in my mind I knew about those two accidents I just had.  No more!