oh my how i have missed you guys...

 
I get zero privacy to go on line at the in-laws so I have not been able to journal. For some odd reason i can do everything on DS but post a journal. Go figure. I have been keeping up with everyone and praying for everyone. The vacation was good and much needed. I have been getting sicker and sicker and more tired and more tired. Dh worked the last 10 days leading up to this vacation so it was nice to have him and the grandparents to help out. I didnt have to cook once yay! I even slept in a few days and took alot of naps. I need naps. I have decided I must nap when Ian naps. WE saw my parents and its still was a bit awkward. They are somewhat respecting my guidelines amidst some grumbling. I have to draw the line when it comes to Ians naps. We tried going over there one day and putting him down there. Major fail! So the next  time i let him nap and we all had fun and he was in a great mood. I rather spend 3 1/2 good fun hours over there than 6 hours of over tired whining cabby baby. I think at the end they finally saw that i knew what i was doing for us all.
 

So the first part of our trip my SIL and BIL came down from Nashville. I got to see m y niece who is now 7 month sold. I have not seen her since she was a baby. OH MY GOSH!!! She is so cute. I just love love love her. Well i dont know what crawled up my SIL butt and died but she is a total bitch. I have come to that conclusion over my last 2 encounters with her. Granted we dont know each other that well and have only been around eachother a handful of times. When she had my niece i went down at what i thought was her adamant request. Well you could have fooled me. She acted like Ian had the bubonic plague. For 2 weeks she never ONCE interacted with my son. Not once. Never talked to him and never. Never picked him up never played with him. All she did was complain about him. He was JUSt learning to walk and she was a 1st time mom to a newborn so she was clueless. I was at my witts end. But i chalked it up to her being a 1st time mom and being over whelmed and not realizing what inviting a 10 month old over meant. But i didnt want to be rude and I wanted to see me niece so I went. Well this trip we just got back from she was the same way!!!!!! Seriously. Except she didnt talk to me once. Never started a conversation. (same thing she did when my neice was born) I was getting pissed. I tried for 1 1/2 days to talk to this bitch and all she ever did was put me down a dn disrespect me as a mother. She is 42. I am 29. She thinks she knows everything even though i had a baby first. She argues with me about everything. Even when I try to compliment her or just say something in general. Well by the 3rd day i had had it. I told james i was not going to say a single word to her and see if she would talk to me. Nope nothing. She is so freaking rude. My MIL really really wanted ian and my neice to get pictures taken together at a studio. So i went ahead and scheduled it and picked out what they should wear so they would match. Well We get there. and my SIl brings like 15 outfits for rebecca to wear. un Ian only matches one of them. So after 1 picture is taken she says oh i need to change rebecca's outfit. I said " no, the whole point of being here is to get cousin pictures and they have only taken 1 picture. Your going to have to wait till we get done doing what we came here for "I was so pissed. Because the world apparently only revolves around her. I mean I know she has never made a single concession for my son.  
 

  I never said a single word to her the rest of their trip. She never even acknowledged that i was pregnant or asked how I was doing or feeling. Nothing. I swear i think she is pissed at me for having the first baby. But me and DH were already married BEFORE she ever MET my BIL. Im sorry im not putting having a baby on hold so you can be first because you are old. And now im having #2. I was never bitter that at 42 she got pregnant the first month she tried. I never got mad she had a text book pregnancy. But apparently i committed a crime by daring to have a family of my own. James said something his dad about it and his dad agreed that she is rude and even treats them like that. I wont even go into how they came home at 10pm one night after visiting people and asked my inlaws to make them something to eat when they had to drive by like 15 food places to get to their house. They are so rude. I swear they think the world only revolves around them. Dh was sitting next to me and had his chips and salsa sitting there and he ran up stairs to get me socks. They come home move all his stuff take his seat so that he has to sit on the floor. I mean seriously. They were wanting us to go to Nashville for Christmas this year and i was against it from the get go now I cant because I will be 13 days away from my due date. But I will never ever go visit them again. It suck because I love love love my niece, but im not subjecting my son to that ever again. Who ignores a little boy. Who acts like he doesn’t exist. I wanted to throw down with her. lol.
 

 My and DH spent some time looking at houses and neighborhoods. We are on different pages. He wants a older house but i want a newer house. I just dont want the maintenance that will come with a 25 year old house. I know in the end i will win this battle as I have picked out every single house we have lived in some without him ever seeing and he has always been happy. We saw a brand new house on a lake for $280. But i hated the fixtures. They went very low grade for counters and flooring. Yuck. Dh cracked me out, we drove my a sub-division and I ASKED IF WE COULD AFFORD TO LIVE IN THERE, and he said yes. So we went in there. OMG-- huge castles!!!! I pulled a flyer from a for sale house and started laughing. It said reduced by $200k I was like well they reduced by our budget lol. They were like $700k. Who can afford that? Not us.
 

  Being back home made me hate our TH even more. Ian loves playing outside so much. We have no yard what so ever. I have been praying we get home soon. They should be opening up posting any day now. Its just a matter if DH gets it or not. I am confidant that if he doesn’t get it this time he will next time and there should only be a 6 month wait to put in for a transfer again. They post openeing 2 times a year and they have not  posted one for this year yet and we have been hearing they want to double the Atlanta staff which would be awesome for us.
 

  Dede my min pin is still recovering. I took her with us to Atlanta. Yep that’s right  a dog and a baby. I know im crazy. Someone called me brave i corrected them and said crazy. She gets doggy kalodapoin and it works like a dream. she passes out and everyone is happy. she has a little hangover and walks crooked for a few hours afterwards. but she bounces back.
 

on to gummy bear. I started having cramps yesterday and drank so much water my pee was clear. Took it easy and it didnt help. I hoping i would wake up and they would be gone. No such lUCK. They were still there this morning. They were still there but not as noticeable. maybe it was because i was flying with a toddler and dog today? And busy. I borrowed one of my best friends dopplers and tried to find gummies heart beat. I found Ians when i was about this far along i think. I couldnt find gummy's. Im a little worried but no to worried. I know its early and im not 100% sure when i found Ians. I know it was no later than 10 weeks. Ill be 10 weeks friday. I will try again then. I have my first NT test monday. Just the blood work. Then 10 days later the 23rd i have the u/s part. Yay.
 

 So I have been thinking about how blessed i am. To have ian and now this one cooking. My heart truly over flows when i think about how much i love Ian. I cant imagine a life without him. He is my heart, and being a mother truly is the best gift I have ever been blessed with.  His smile lights up a room and he truly smiles with his whole face. His eyes sparkle and laugh. That being said i have always wanted to help others. Im the one that buys food for homeless people and instead of selling things i FREE CYCLE THEM. I have tossed around the idea of donating my eggs. I could never be a segregate. My heart couldn’t handle that. But i think I could donate my eggs if I could do it the way i want to. I dont want to meet the people I dont want to even know if it worked or not. Thinking about having a child out there that is just as much of me as Ian is, is hard and pulls my heart a little. That  is why i have to step away from the personal side. I want to just do it and forget about it. Does that make any sense. I have done some research and some places say you have to be 30 and under. I just turned 29. I plan on BF for a year so if I do this it will be after January 2013. I will have about 3 months before I turn 31. Maybe some places will let you be older. I dont know. We will just have to see. I will have to pray about it alot. Im still not sure i could do it. But I feel like all I do is console people and say sorry when i really want to DO something to make a difference. I feel like infertility is a fight. A battle. I feel like his is something I could do to let someone win thiers. I am left scared and internally injured from my fight. With scares that run deep and are painful.  Its kinda like wounded solders that come home from war just because you come home doesnt mean you are not changed.  Well enough rambling. Have a good night ladies!!!!