Oh my heels

I am going to do it the Wendy Williams way...Okay I have been a relationship with a woman for almost 15 years now and it has been a rollercoaster ride. I was not who I am now when I met her but through the years I begin to see things through that huge picture window so differently. All I know she remain emotional in love with her first lover for years and didn't think it havoc to park her outside my apartment window. Yes it was years ago, however It must of had some effects on me I remember it. Now so I don't present myself as a victim I ran from her because I did not want to go back through the hell and the heart of the last person I was with who was a witch from the abyss. A real shocker is what that was I am leaving and you don't have a chance to process anything. Hit over the head with a love under board  not overboard. So against my own judgment I allowed the vulnerability to have its way with my already compounded pain. Okay. I decided to give the relationship a real try and long behold I find out she has OCD beyond my own imagination. So now I am living on a schedule and if I break it they become in raged. Oh my God what have done again and No I did not trust myself anymore. I tried to reason with her and let her know you need to get some treatment or at least be able to talk about it. I made matters worst and they continue today to line up the waters soda and juice like a grocery store. I have a hearing impairment from the military and so clearly you hear me through the house talking loud and playing my music in the garage, looking for a space to be. Thank God I kept my place in New York so yes it has been like a long distance relationship for years. A true Odd Couple experience. Narcissism is all about the atmosphere because she is a survivor of a mother who had this problem. I was going crazy and not to mention I understood my mother had it too so that was the reason we clash many times. A great provider, a sweetheart, a rescuer but one day I realize that was not what I needed. I need a woman that is equally yoked with me. A woman that can see beyond herself. I forgot to mention she goes off in her room for hours watching TV for years and the room is dark most of the time watching Leave it to Beaver. Yes all her childhood movies during the day and nighttime detective shows are lifetime to death channel. I could not take it anymore and I exploded. I am ashamed  that I exploded but I had to get some control back in my life. I was truly depressed and clearly she was not always a honest with me having heard a message that was not meant for me to hear and she said I talk out of both sides of my mouth. She complain about me to whomever and I did the same until one day I told her what I thought of the whole insane situation and clearly I felt the relationship would truly die. She clung to me harder having a even more difficult time understanding that deceit kills trust and I don't see the person I use or imagined her to be. Guess what neither does she. It took her 5 years to buy me a car so I could have more independence in NYC as I remain a loyal spouse. My needs have changed over the years and I expect more from myself and that is not her fault. It is nobody fault but I think a painful beginning has arrived for a better ending. I told her with her mom having Alzheimer's disease in the final stages and what has been going on with my mother it is clearly no room in the room for us. Relationship has been problematic for years and it was nobody fault we need more clarity in our lives to make changes. She 15 years my age which I never felt was a issue but she has lived and done some of the things that I am trying to achieve. I am crying because this story is such a rude awakening as to what my life has really been. Unbelievable but if you are going to give advice I am going to have to take it. I am so happy we don't have screaming matches anymore I am able to express myself without all the drama and my working on that has effected her communication with me which is a great thing. I don't think this relationship will last another year with me in New York and she in another state. The distraction is outrageous she does not need to hold the phone and listen to me ramble about the same thing. I told her today I don't want to talk anymore and cause her anymore distractions. Yes that what this whole ball of cow poop is about distraction.