Oh My Gosh Drip Drops Down The Stairs And The Hallway

I met my son at my therapist’s office to give him my camera for an event he’s going to tonight.  I told him I could bring it to his house or he could meet me at my appointment today.  He chose to meet – does he not want me at his house?  I wonder.  But I did tell him I’m seeing a counselor and I’d like him to meet her.  Sure.  So I introduced him to her when she called me in and told her where he’s going.  I gave him a hug bye and she went into her office for me to come in.  I talked just a few more seconds to him and went in.    As soon as I came into the office I commented that she’s met my whole family now except for my youngest son.  She said she’s seen so many pictures of him she feels like she has   I told her how this son she just met is such a sweetheart, so calm and asked her if he looks like his pictures.  She said he’s lost a lot of weight and is very nice looking.  I told her how I wish he had a girlfriend.  She said maybe when he gets more settled.  She knows he lost his job.  I told her how he was promised once.    She asked me how long he knew about me coming there.   I said about ½ hour and explained how I offered to go to his house or meet there which is about half way.  He choose to meet and that’s when I told him.  I said I was seeing a counselor but no details.  She asked me if that felt good to tell him – like a relief.  She knows how I hide this.  Yes but it’s no big deal to him.  He’s very non-judgmental.  I even told him his sister and boyfriend go to her and asked if he knew.  He said he may have overheard something.  How about me?  Maybe Dad said something.  But my therapist said how good it was that I chose there and not somewhere else where I could have.  And to show him how it’s OK to seek help to pave the way in case he ever needs it.  I told her yes, I know.  She said that normal people get therapy, too.  Yeah, I half laughed.   She wanted to hear about the wedding but I wanted to talk about other things first.  First that I feel like I’m running out of time before my next trip and we haven’t talked at all about it.  I know some of the things we are doing are related but we still haven’t talked about the trip.  I have so much other things to talk about today and probably won’t even get to it.  I’m not coming in the whole week I’m gone so can I come in another day this week instead – tomorrow or Wednesday – and she can charge that to insurance?  She said it would have to be tomorrow.  That’s fine.  1PM or 2PM?  I didn’t care.  She said 1:30PM.  OK.  She commented how I’m going to get tired of seeing her.  I commented how she’s going to get tired of seeing me and how glad she’ll be when I’m gone.  She won’t have to deal with me for almost 2 weeks.  I said how I’ll be there ever day this week (she’s not there on Fridays) since I have to come babysit on Wednesday.    The first thing I did was call my son so far away to find out how his foot is.  He said bad, it really hurts, and he’s stressed out about getting to work.   I said it’s not like him to get stressed out.  Last night he told me he passed out when he pushed the bone in.  I told him Dad said he could get sepsis – infection from not healing properly.  He had to go, I snuck in asking him about out cousins going out there (he hasn’t heard anything) and we hung up.  My therapist asked me how that made me feel.  Helpless because I’m so far away and can’t help him.  She asked if he’s stubborn about not going anywhere.  I said I’m not sure – I think it’s lack of money.   I told her how I try to leave my kids alone and try not to meddle.  My daughter called me yesterday afternoon before they came over and said she’s just checking to see if I’m still alive.  I don’t think I talked to her in days.  Busy I guess with the wedding.  And when they came over it seemed like forever, too.  She said that must have felt good that she missed me.  Yeah, it did.    Then I told her about a show on Dr. Phil I saw on Friday (partially) – she didn’t see it.  I may have talked about this first before calling my son – I can’t remember.  It was about people with OCD.  I don’t have OCD but my 2 problem areas that we are working on that effect my life so much.  How they used desensitizing and cognitive behavior.    They said for this to do repetitive things to feel the anxiety.  After feeling this anxiety over and over again it gets into the brain and lessens it and it just becomes normal anxiety.  I said that’s like me doing exposures.  I have the anxiety when I do them, that will never go away, but it’s less and less.  And the repetitive is what we do, too.  And, also for me it’s the familiararity of it.  So when it happens I’m familiar so I know what to do.  Another thing was to do the treatment with this person so she’s not on her own about it.  And that’s exactly what she does with me – does things with me.  And the last thing was this person had this problem for 45 years and it won’t be cured but it can become manageable.  I said how I can relate that with my problem and my fear of throwing up.  She mainly just listened to all I said.  Not much commenting but I said how I could relate all this to me.  Yes.    I told her the only thing I want to do today is work on not escalating when I have to go to the bathroom.  To go outside when I have to go and just walk the parking lot, like we do.  Just for her to talk to me about anything.  Maybe about El Salvador because it’s close to Mexico where we are going.  Or about her son in the Peace Corps – what he does – that would be interesting.  Maybe do the tappers before we go.  I don’t know.  Whatever to get me not to escalate so much.  She asked me about using the bathroom downstairs.  Yes.  I said I wanted to take my clothes with me because sometimes I can’t make it.  Once she said about doing that tomorrow but I told her I wanted to do it today.  I can’t remember why she said that.    So now, finally, time to talk about the wedding.  I had called her two times and left a message before the wedding.  One was 12:30 AM when I couldn’t sleep the night before and the other was about 3:00 PM Saturday before the wedding.  She didn’t say anything about me calling.  I did refer once or twice to something I said on the messages.  She didn’t say a word about it.  I just hope she listens.  And, I hope it’s OK.  It’s a rare occasion now – rare – when something big is going on that I call.  And, I don’t bother her – I just leave a message.  I really do hope she doesn’t mind.  I told her that she knows me very well now.  What does she think happened.  She guessed that I wore Big Bertha and had to use it.  Yes.  She asked me how long the ceremony was.  About a half an hour but I had to go from my house, out there a while, then the ceremony.  She understood.  I told her how I was OK for a long time.  It had started raining and I had an umbrella.  I went on the side, standing up, not to block anyone when I put it up.  A few others were over there, too.  But no grass – still on concrete.    It was hot & muggy but when it started raining there was a breeze and it got cooler.  I was standing there and needed to go to the bathroom.  I’m thinking, “Oh, no.”  It was really weird - so much different than what I normally do.  I didn’t wait very long and hoped no one was looking at me or knew what was going on.  I crossed my legs, instinctively I guess.  She looked like she understood.  I think while I was going I missed a cool part because when I’m doing that I don’t know anything that’s going on.  I asked my husband later and he said they did to that.  She understood again.  She asked me if Big Bertha worked.  Yes!  A success she said with enthusiasm.  Yes!    I told her how I hated wearing it.  She said it was a good thing I planned ahead.  I told her how I’m so glad I checked it out.  And, joking said, “A stupid park with no bathrooms!”  She asked me what I would have done if I didn’t plan ahead and do that.  I don’t know.  I would have had to walk away.  Find a grassy area but it was good I had a dress on.  But it would have been not good anyway.    I told her how much I hated doing that – wearing Big Bertha.  How it felt so bad and such.  But there were 2 good things.  One was I’m the leader in sitting down and stuff.  Usually I wait and let everyone go first and sit on the end so I can get up easily.  But this time I went all the way in first and more in the center.  She commented how it was nice not to have to think about it.  Yes.  And secondly, how my dress got wet on the bottom because it poured.  We were talking in the car going back about how wet our clothes were and I was going to hang up my dress to dry – we had about an hour between events.  It was so nice to talk about my wet clothes without having peed.  Like just a normal thing – they got wet from the rain.  That was nice.  Then I talked about the reception.  I didn’t drink very much and didn’t go to the bathroom very much – a few times.  My key was to keep myself busy.  It rained so they didn’t get to take the family pictures outside after the wedding.  They had to be done at the reception.  My friend thought he didn’t take enough family pictures there so I volunteered to help round up different family members for different families.  It was hard to keep everyone together, noisy and such and getting the photographer all the time.    I compared it to a family I knew growing up with 6 kids (I loved it being an only child) and going with them and one kid is gone.  Another kid was sent for that one and that one was gone.  I said she probably knows with 5 kids in her family.  The groom’s Dad appreciated it so much he wants to take us to the airport early – very early – in 2 weeks.  But he saw me in action and said how good I am.  Not just with organizing things but with people and getting them together and such.  I’m not shy.  And, I took so many pictures, too and they appreciated that as well.  My therapist said to take all these compliments what people say about me in a good way.    One time I was getting someone and her son said she was in the bathroom and he said there’s a wait in there.  I’m thinking, “Oh, no.”  I glanced there (my husband pointed out the bathrooms right when we got there) and didn’t see anything and tried not to worry.  I was fine every time I went – no lines.  And I went before I needed to go. I did say on the way home, we were in our friend’s car, I was really tired (it was late) and kept telling myself not to fall asleep.    Before I started talking about the brunch I needed to go to the bathroom and told her.  I said again about doing the tappers and she thought maybe we wouldn’t have enough time with my urgency.  I told her we would.  She wants this to be a success.  But I already told her I know sometimes it’s not and we’ll bring my extra clothes with us.  I said maybe we should time this and look at the clock.   So she gave me the tappers.   Normally I close my eyes but I told her I didn’t want to do that this time.  I didn’t say but afraid I’d relax too much and go to the bathroom and I don’t know if she knew why – maybe.  She told me that I’m doing this to try to wait longer.  I can’t remember what else – I hate this not remembering.  Maybe she said something about not making it – maybe not.  My brain goes on vacation!  So she stopped talking, took the tapers back and I said, “Let’s go.”  She got my bag of extra clothes out of her drawer, again not sure which is my bag.  I asked her to carry it so I can … (didn’t finish).  We walked out, her going first.  On the way down she asked me if I’m going to the massage therapist after.  Yes.  We talked about going longer but I’m still scared.  She asked me what’s the longest.  One time I did 30 minutes.  She asked me if I needed to go to the bathroom.  At the end. She said that’s good, I made it all the way through.  Well, no – we had to stop then.  She asked me if I told her anything.  No – are you kidding?   I noticed she was sniffling a lot going outside.  Bet she’s got a cold – hope not.  My husband and I have to stay healthy for our trip.  Thank you.  So then, instead of talking about El Salvador she started talking about the confusing part to me of hiding and not hiding.  She said she wanted to talk about it.  She went on about it being not hiding – just being descreet.  I don’t remember all she said.  I space out when I have to go that badly.  She knows that.  She even said something relating to my grandson – maybe – but I have no idea what.  No idea of much of anything.  I remember shaking my head like I was understanding but, at that point, she could have been talking a foreign language for all I knew.  I’ll have to ask her again what she said because that was not a good time to tell me that.  Wonder why she didn’t talk about El Salvador.  I think she just thought this was more important at the time.  Oh … well, we’ll just have to explore it later.    Once I think I sighed.  She asked me how I’m doing.  Ok.  She asked me if I wanted to go back.  No.  We walked more.  I struggled a little more.  She saw and asked me again if I wanted to go back.  No.  I think she was talking between all these but I have no idea what she said.  We must have circled around two times and going on the third.  I notice she kept close and didn’t make the circle on the parking lot very big.  Guess she did that on purpose in case we had to go back fast.    Then I made a face and struggling noise, leaning over putting my hands on my thighs and said, “We better go back.”  I just started peeing.  All over and I had shorts on.  It’s kind of hard to walk right so she was ahead of me again.  I told her “Just don’t look back!”  “I won’t,” she told me back.  She went way in ahead of me.  I hesitated at the door a few seconds because it was still dripping.  Then I came in and down the stairs and into the hallway.  She was already approaching the door to the tenants downstairs (which was open) going in to talk to them.  She knew I was coming, probably heard my squishy flip flops if she was paying attention, and shooed me to just go into the bathroom.  I did.    It took me longer to change because I had to clean up more.  It was all down my legs, my shoes were wet, the floor was a little wet.  It was a mess.  When I came out I saw all the drip drops down the hallway and knew there were drip drops on the steps.  The girl in the office was sitting right there looking out so I couldn’t clean it up.  It would be too obvious.  I brought paper towels from the bathroom to do that but couldn’t use them.    My therapist was waiting for me, again, down the hall by the steps.  This time she wasn’t even in the hallway.  Guess so the people in the chiropractic office didn’t see her at all.  I understand that.  But not when she does it usually when the door is not open.  When I got up to her I told her there’s drip drops down the hallway and on the steps.  I think she knew about it by the look on her face she didn’t seemed surprised.  Well, she saw, too I’m sure.  Going back she told me she talked to the chiropractor and how she needs to do that every so often (other people in her building).  Otherwise I was pretty quiet.  Waiting until we got back to her office to talk.  Really embarrassed and I’m sure she knew it.    I told her how I wanted to clean up the drip drops.  How I had paper towels.  I didn’t want anyone to see or slip on it.  She first said about cleaning people there will get it.  But after I said that she said how we can end early and I can go clean it up.  I told her how I’m not going back down there.  She said it would be good to go and face my fears.  I said only if she comes with me.  She said sure so we set off to go back downstairs with my paper towels in my hand that I had put in the top of my bag with my wet clothes in them.    She told me to go downstairs first ahead of her.  I first cleaned up the drip drops on the steps going down while she waited step by step.  The paper towels weren’t wet, nor did they have soap on them.  Just dry to wipe it up.  Once it happened outside the bathroom and she said to put a little soap on it.  I didn’t this time.  We got to the bottom and I said how I hope she’s not there.  We talked earlier how I could have had a lunch and spilled something in drip drops.  She’s done it before.  Or my pants wet by spilling something in the car.  People do that.  To be prepared to tell a story about it if I have to.  I told her, when we were about to see if she’s there, that I hope she’s not there and if she is I’m not saying anything to her, not talking at all.    Well, she was sitting right there.  So I started at the far end of the hall cleaning up the drip drops, then went to the bathroom door, at the opposite end, where I couldn’t be seen and worked my way up back to where I started.  I didn’t even look at the girl and working my way back my back was turned to her the whole time.  My therapist just stood there, watching I guess, I didn’t look at her.  When we got out of sight I asked her if she looked at me.  She said just glanced but she was probably more wondering why she was there just following me around doing this and not why I’m doing it.  I smiled.  She said like someone that goes into her closet up in her office.  She sees it, glances but pays no attention to it.    On the way back upstairs I asked her if she knew her.  She said she knows the other girl better but someone (I don’t know if it was her or the other girl) looked at her funny today while she was talking.  She knew she didn’t recognize her because she didn’t have her wig on and she had to say something about her haircut.  I echoed about her “haircut” like it’s a good thing.  I threw the paper towels out in an outside trash before going back up the stairs.    When we got back into her office we talked more about it.  I think she was glad we did that to finalize it.  Also that I faced my fears and did it fine.  She said no one would like what happened to me.  She said it in an empathy way.  That I did it and pushed myself.  I told her how I can’t imagine what it looks like out on the parking lot because I mostly went out there.  I said how I hesitated at the door because it was just still dripping.  She said it was OK to stay out there or go to the grassy area.  When we were going back down I glanced out and told her I see it out there.  She said no one will know or even pay attention to it.  I said back in her office that it’s hot out – it’ll dry fast. I mentioned how my shoes got wet.  I noticed she glanced down for half a second.  She can’t see anything – they are vinyl flip flops.  She didn’t say anything either – thank goodness.    She asked me if it was helpful that I had that bag with me to cover.  I couldn’t even remember when she gave it back to me.  She said before we went back inside.  It must have been still on the parking lot because she went in pretty much ahead of me.  She said I could use it to cover so no one would see.  I told her they couldn’t see in the front but the back they could.  I told her what was really helpful was that she went ahead and talked to those people, distracting them and shooing for me to go into the bathroom.  She had a plastic bag on her desk that she crumpled up and threw in her trash can.  I don’t know what it was from.  I told her she better not throw that away like we may need it sometime.  She took it out of the trash and put it back on her desk.    She told me everyone gets to the point that they just can’t hold it anymore – everyone.  She asked me if I start to escalate it and then go or if physically I just can’t do it any longer.  I told her I don’t know.  I just get to the point that I just can’t hold it any longer.  We don’t know if I escalate at that point or just can’t physically do it anymore.  I told her that I can wait longer now and she agrees with me.  I can’t escalate it so I can hold longer.  I asked her how long it was.  She said we were gone about 15 minutes.  I didn’t ask if that included clean-up time.  I did tell her I was doing really good outside – not escalating it – for a while.  Yes.  So then I looked at the clock and saw we had just a couple minutes left and told her about the brunch yesterday.  First I said how the guy she saw did very well. No hat, no sunglasses after he was told not to.  He did a speech (he was best man) and collected money for the dollar dance.  She seemed interested.  She asked me if I talked to him.  I said only about the dollar dance when I was trying to round up people and I said goodbye when I was leaving.  Usually I do because we do the same kind of work but he’s very successful at it.  But he didn’t make it to the brunch.  And the grandfather is OK but it was sad he wasn’t there and not in all the pictures.  And I told her about he thought he was going to die before his grandsons wedding because his mom or dad did before his.  She looked a little confused.    Then I talked quickly about yesterday’s brunch.  How my friend and I were asked to go later.  It went well but at one point we were sitting around the table and started talking about our next trip.  They started teasing me about stopping so much.  And how it was good, too but it took longer.  But how speedy fast I am.  I told her my best friend used to say I just push a button.  And a male friend teased me like he always does about me stopping 38 times.  But I laughed with them.  I told myself in 2 minutes it will be over.  My therapist said that they must really like me and know it doesn’t bother me because if they didn’t like me they’d use it to bother me.  She knows how I laugh on the outside with them but she knows how I feel on the inside – but we’re working on that!  But my friend broke her elbow when we were leaving going out to the car.  It was slippery from the rain.  She came back to our house, called her husband and she went to an Urgent Care and yes it’s broken.  Poor girl.    I gave her the business card when she was checking me out.  She said she likes to look at them.  There’s a smiley holding a daisy flower.  She said it looks like me (not literally but I think she means my personality).  I told her how my son helped me with it and it took a while because of the sizing.  She said how I’m official now.  She said now I can even put them on bulletin boards.  I told her that she and my male friend are really wanting me to do this.    I said how tomorrow, that sounds weird, we will start working on my trip.  I told her I knew we wouldn’t get to it today.  I have no idea what we will do.  Usually I have several days to think about it and this time it’s tomorrow.  But I only have this week and next week and then I leave.  I’ll think of something.  Maybe I’ll ask her, for a change what we should do.  I always come in with an agenda.  I’m just not sure this time.  I need to do exposures or experiments but I need some successes.