Oh my goodness

Well I have been with my significant other since Feb, and in the beginning he was a prince, a knight in shining armor who was my soul mate.
 
this morning he freaks out on me over something ridiculous. I find myself on the third floor of the building talking to him slowly, and softly trying to calm him down, asking him to take it easy on me and to stop hurting me, please stop being angry, I am sorry I angered him. I didn't mean to do anything bad, I wasn't up to anything malicious, I am not doing anything to harm anyone. I texted him, "I mean you no harm" He is being so disrespectful, laughing at me while I am trying to explain to him I have no ulterior motives when I speak to him, that insults me and hurts. When I am trying to sincerely explain to someone I am not out to get them, and they laugh nasty in my ear and it feels like being mocked.
 
Oooo, he was so cruel and ugly acting towards me. All because I didn't realize I was going to dinner with him tonight.
He has been putting me last in his life, and been very self absorbed. We haven't actually spoken since maybe Sunday.....and these dinner plans weren't set in stone. He hasn't even reached out to call me to hear the sound of my voice and see how I am doing. but persecuting me due to not knowing that I am suppose to have dinner plans that he only casually mentioned last Sunday?
 
He is really hurting me. and then mocking me. then accusing me of having all these sinister ulterior motives behind every word that comes from my mouth.
 
I found myself begging him to calm down on me, take it easy on me, throw me a bone. Told him he is misunderstanding me. told him that despite what his mind is telling him....I am just trying to live my life and be a good person to all that I love, including him. And I am just trying to make it in this world.
 
Latley I have been very sick with sinus problems, had a procedure last week, I have been feeling very ill, and I have been mourning the death of my father, and trying to work two jobs, and survive a divorce and having my children dislike me at this moment. I have bigger fish to fry than to torture him and be plotting against him.
 
I admit that when he is self-absorbed and doesn't have time for me or is insensitive I feel badly on my insides, but I don't share that with him or do anything bad to him to retaliate. I just bottle it up, and then go about my business and shake it off. when he sends me impersonal text messages, I guess I am a little distant and  not too eager to respond and give him attention-
 
but that is only because I am coping with the fact that I wish I had more love in my life. When I get impersonal texts it hurts instead of having more. so, of course I don't go out of my way to spend tons of affection on him in return. I mean- why would I? I just text something back short and to the point due to not really knowing HOW to respond, ya know?
 
And because I didn't really know what was going on for tonight, I went ahead and was wanting to go to a hockey game. Just cause I had nothing better to do, and I thought it would be fun and I want to get my mind off the fact that he had been kind of ignoring me. He never really has communicated clearly with me....so I decided to just cope and do my own thing.
 
He seems to think that I made plans with others to spite him.
 
Geez.....what must he think of my personality?
 
I mean- I am not a spiteful person. Sometimes I get my feelings hurt, sure. But I just go in my own corner and lick my wounds and try to cope. I don't go out of my way to retaliate or "get back" at my spouse. I'm too wimpy for that. I am not evil in that way. I don't seek revenge. I just try to cope and make myself feel better.
 
I was begging him to take it easy on me, and I realize that he thinks very badly of me. He has a very bad outlook on my personality if he thinks my intentions are truly that sinister. I feel bad about myself. I mean- is that the vibe I put out there to people? That I am spiteful and mean and want revenge and everything I do has a motive to make those around me angry?
 
I don't care about making him angry. My focus is on making me more comfortable. I have been severly depressed, tomorrow I go to a doctor to get on anti-depressents to cope with losing my father. I have bigger things on my mind, and on my heart.
 
I am not so obsessed with my relationship to rotate around "how to make Ben pay for not making me happy and doing what I want".
 
I'm not that type of girl. I hate being viewed that way.
 
My boyfriends anger is off the charts.
 
Last Feb he hit his head snowboarding, and his hearing has been bad. he went to the doctor and was told he has brain damage.
 
I think sometimes his brain damage may have something to do with these weird preoccupations with thinking that I am out to get him and do harm to him.
 
Or maybe he has an abusive personality.
 
Or maybe he is just really stressed at work.
 
But I can't handle this. I cant have more unhappiness because I have my fill right now.
 
I don't know what to do. I will just pray to God for answers and not do anything.
 
I am not going to make waves or be argumentative. I am just going to be quiet and do what I  am told, and try to hold on.