Oh For Life to Be Back To Normal
Today I feel so out of words. I feel to have the thought enter your mind that "I can't believe my son is gone" What words can I say? The empty feeling, the loss of my child what do I say? Do I say "There must be a reason"?, But I don't know of one.
Do I try to accept that I no longer can go see him. How do I do that? Do I tell myself that someday it will be easier? Do I want it to be? Do I go for a second without him on my mind? Than BAMMM there is the PAIN! I say I can't believe it. I can't believe his gone. How do I wrap my mind around that thought. I don't want to. I know I can't pretend that nothing is different. I know I can't pretend that I can pack my clothes and go visit him. I want to though. I want to believe that the cancer never happened. I want to believe he is still here on this earth looking forward to the new birth of his grand daughter. I want to believe any minute my phone will be a text from him. I want to believe he is calling to let me know what he is doing tomorrow.
I want to hear him say "Mom when you coming down for a visit?" I want to hear him say "Mom I love you" I just want to hear him. But I don't so what do I say? Today, I really don't know what to say. Yes, I do know what I want to say!!!!
I want my life back to normal!!! That is all today that I can think to say. Oh How All I want to say is I JUST WANT
My Life Just Back To Normal.Just Back To Normal Again.
Do I try to accept that I no longer can go see him. How do I do that? Do I tell myself that someday it will be easier? Do I want it to be? Do I go for a second without him on my mind? Than BAMMM there is the PAIN! I say I can't believe it. I can't believe his gone. How do I wrap my mind around that thought. I don't want to. I know I can't pretend that nothing is different. I know I can't pretend that I can pack my clothes and go visit him. I want to though. I want to believe that the cancer never happened. I want to believe he is still here on this earth looking forward to the new birth of his grand daughter. I want to believe any minute my phone will be a text from him. I want to believe he is calling to let me know what he is doing tomorrow.
I want to hear him say "Mom when you coming down for a visit?" I want to hear him say "Mom I love you" I just want to hear him. But I don't so what do I say? Today, I really don't know what to say. Yes, I do know what I want to say!!!!
I want my life back to normal!!! That is all today that I can think to say. Oh How All I want to say is I JUST WANT
My Life Just Back To Normal.Just Back To Normal Again.
Replies
I don\'t think \"normal\" as we knew it will ever be again .....but they say there is a \"new normal\" and that is the one we must accept. Very sad....but it can be done with God\'s help only. I could never have made it this far without faith and trust in God. I pray for peace when the pain strikes....I pray for you dear friend and all my sisters here at DS. May God comfort us and always give us peace. I love you, dear one....dale, brandon\'s mom
Guess I don\'t really want a \"new Normal..But your probably right.
The new \"normal\" takes so much time and acceptance. It helps to be patient with yourself--I found when I immersed myself in the pain, I often came out feeling a little stronger, a little more at peace. It\'s been over 2 years now, and it has become easier. But you are right, life will never be the same....Hugs to you, Diane
I know you want your life back...I know you can\'t get your head wrapped around his absence...it is the worst thing that can happen. Your heart is broken...right now take things one moment at a time...peace to you friend...Karen
Sandi..This is going to sound harsh but you need to move on. Your son would want that. You want that..I call that Wish this and that my pitty pot. I want you to focus on YOU and JUST you no mention of him (he is there) but no mention of him..Every time you write I see you getting lost in your sorrow. It will over take you swallow you up. You have a lot to live for better than most I\'d expect.. You have the world open to you you are very compasionate go find something that moves you and encourages you. Ok,you will really get mad at me for this but a church is where a lot of people go when in stress or in bad times. It is also a place where many good things happen. You have a big in try to stay positive you will have your slips and bad days but you have to work your way out of your funk. You have other children, husband and a mother. Good bad or indiferent they need and require you if you ain\'t no good for yourself what good are you to them..
All I can say after reading the other comments is that I am sorry and I wish there was something I could do to help. Truly your friend, Barb
I would like to say at this time I do not wallow in pity for myself. Am I sad yes I am sad. Have I lost my child Yes I have lost my child. I had my child for 45 short years, How do you just say get over it and on with it. I don\'t sit at home having a pity party for myself, I have not even cried for days or really don\'t know when I really cried last...but your memories are there and there is something that will remind you of your child. I go out with friend, my husband and I. I go to church, I play the piano at church, I attend church on Sunday and Wednesday, I have friends, I have family. When I feel sad about my son as any mother would feel who has lost a child, just sometime you just need to write what your feeling that day or that moment. I am sorry that some did not like my journal today...Maybe I should have made it just personal for me. But I will continue to love my friends on DS and my friends that give me comfort. I have the right to be sad. I Loved MY SON!
I think writing your real feelings in your journal is so important. We go through the day to day trying to find how to exist and live in this \"new life\" that none of us would have chosen. It can be exhausting and writing your true feelings is a wonderful way to let it out. Your heart is broken and you don\'t just move on...you take one moment at a time. Please be gentle on yourself. Love to you, Valerie
To lose your child - at 5 or 50- is Your Child. A pain no words can describe. We have good days and then, sometimes we can\'t even figure out why, we want to crawl back in that hole and be alone with our grief and usually no one even knows what we are feeling.Your heart is torn and you are missing your son... you are grieving... the friction between what your heart is longing for and what reality is telling you, this is not a \"pitty party\" . We are here for you , to listen, comfort, and hopefully lift you up, Love, Charlene, Mitchells mom
I wouldn\'t say that some didn\'t like your journal. No mother here dislikes anyones journal. Some may offer a suggestion counter to what others may think or feel. I am empty, lost and in pain like you and can\'t quite grasp it all at times. It is all a process, a couple steps forward and a step or two backwards. I look forward to kind words and positive thoughts sent to me but I also read and take interest in the ones that may make me see, do or think in other ways. I see the harsh words along with the soft words as offerings to contemplate, accept or reject. We will always love and miss our children...and wonder why.
I understand and for me there is still moments when I cannot wrap my head around the fact that he is gone.. but as the moms here said I have come to live my new normal without him but it is not fair and yes I hate it but it is all I have now.. love to you my friend..
Only a Mom that has lost a child can know what you are feeling. Take your comfort from those that have. GET OVER IT? MOVE ON? PITY PARTY?
urghhhhhhhhhhh
You are just starting this journey and it takes a long time to even feel remotely better. Be good to yourself and like they say you have to go through it and not around it. You need to do whatever works for you. If that means journaling 50 times a day then so be it...do all and everything to get through the day. Not that there is a time table for grief but know for a fact you are allowed to feel like crap and you are allowed to have as many piti parties as you would like...it all takes time. Hugs, Inga
Hi Sandi. My name is Mary and I lost my only child, JC, to cancer 10 months ago. He was 24 years old. To this day, the pain is as real as when he first started feeling sick, when he really got ill, and to the day he died. There is not a moment in the day I do not think of him. My heart has not stopped breaking, but I am in a new normal. I do smile and laugh and do what every normal person does but always always, in the back of my mind and foremost in my heart is my sorrow. It is what it is, and I can not change it no matter how much I wish I could. You need to do what is right and comfortable for you. There is no rhyme or reason as to why or what happened. No answers. I do know one thing for sure, how lucky I was to have been the mother of my child and have him been in my life. NO One can ever take that from me.