Off work today....
Off work today and had such grand plans for the day. Instead I've worked my way through one chapter of the book (and the ensuing exercises) and I am EXHAUSTED!!! (and it's only 9:30 in the morning). The hardest part to me was making the list of what behaviors I need for him to display in order to feel happy in the relationship. This, for me at least, was not about expecting these things to happen--I've long since realized I don't love him and don't want to waste any more of my precious life with him--it's more about gaining some clarity on why the relationship isn't working and on what I need in the future (when and IF I decide I am ready to date again). Also, I need to get clear with myself about whether these desires and needs are unfair and unreasonable. While I know that my relationship has been one sided forever, it is still difficult to put in black and white what a true partnership is, and to realize how lacking my own has been. It makes me feel ridiculous and like a terrible parent for accepting so little and calling it a day. My kids deserve so much better than they have gotten. In so many other cases of abuse, the woman can justify (to herself, of course there is no justification) that at least he is a good father, a good provider, he loves the children and they love him, that sort of thing....I can't even use that justification. He sucks as a father. He is selfish, neglectful, demeaning, and downright ignores our daughters and my son. He has absolutely NO relationship with them (which is of course my fault--and more recently their fault--they should come to him and make an effort to develop a relationship with him).
The thing is, I don't even expect that much. In fact, I am making my list and looking at it, and I realize it is painfully little. Most women I know personally would think I was insane that I would be happy with that. Why do I feel that I and my children don't deserve any more than a man who takes care of his responsibilities financially, spends time with them occasionally, and agrees to not talk down to or scream at or get violent with them? Even putting this list down for myself makes me feel selfish and embarrassed that I think I am entitled to even the most basic respect from someone. I think what has been most exhausting and disheartening about this whole "working on myself" thing has been the realization that somewhere down the line I got a really f'ed up vision of life and love and that I need A LOT of work before I can safely enter any relationship. I mean logically, I can look at it, and I know that other people deserve better and so do I. It is the emotional and practical aspect that I am having a difficult time with. It's like the plan is there, but the execution isn't going so well. I think this is one of the things that has kept me stuck for so long. Sure, I'm scared of him--he has proven to be a pretty scary person over the years--but I think I've been using that as an escape hatch for too long. More and more I'm realizing that I am the one who has been accepting this treatment for so long, and worse subjecting my kids to it, because somewhere deep inside I believed his bullshit. Oh sure, I talked a good game about not really believing in it and such, that the only reason I went back is because I was scared and I felt guilty, but in reality it is because I was resigned to the fact that I didn't deserve and wouldn't get any better. WTF is wrong with me?!
I am intelligent, I will have my bachelor's in psychology in five months. I am hard-working, too hard at times. I am a good mom; I love my kids more than life itself and they know it, even though this situation has been hell for all of us. I am a good person. I always see the good in everybody and would go out of my way to console or help anyone--even a perfect stranger. I am successful--reasonably--and people don't look at me and pity me, they have no idea of the turmoil that goes on in my life. So why can't I accept that I deserve at least the respect and care that I give to others?
Okay, enough of the pity party. Just had to get that out because I'm feeling a little down right now. Back to working on my list and trying to come up with reasonable expectations for a relationship:-)
The thing is, I don't even expect that much. In fact, I am making my list and looking at it, and I realize it is painfully little. Most women I know personally would think I was insane that I would be happy with that. Why do I feel that I and my children don't deserve any more than a man who takes care of his responsibilities financially, spends time with them occasionally, and agrees to not talk down to or scream at or get violent with them? Even putting this list down for myself makes me feel selfish and embarrassed that I think I am entitled to even the most basic respect from someone. I think what has been most exhausting and disheartening about this whole "working on myself" thing has been the realization that somewhere down the line I got a really f'ed up vision of life and love and that I need A LOT of work before I can safely enter any relationship. I mean logically, I can look at it, and I know that other people deserve better and so do I. It is the emotional and practical aspect that I am having a difficult time with. It's like the plan is there, but the execution isn't going so well. I think this is one of the things that has kept me stuck for so long. Sure, I'm scared of him--he has proven to be a pretty scary person over the years--but I think I've been using that as an escape hatch for too long. More and more I'm realizing that I am the one who has been accepting this treatment for so long, and worse subjecting my kids to it, because somewhere deep inside I believed his bullshit. Oh sure, I talked a good game about not really believing in it and such, that the only reason I went back is because I was scared and I felt guilty, but in reality it is because I was resigned to the fact that I didn't deserve and wouldn't get any better. WTF is wrong with me?!
I am intelligent, I will have my bachelor's in psychology in five months. I am hard-working, too hard at times. I am a good mom; I love my kids more than life itself and they know it, even though this situation has been hell for all of us. I am a good person. I always see the good in everybody and would go out of my way to console or help anyone--even a perfect stranger. I am successful--reasonably--and people don't look at me and pity me, they have no idea of the turmoil that goes on in my life. So why can't I accept that I deserve at least the respect and care that I give to others?
Okay, enough of the pity party. Just had to get that out because I'm feeling a little down right now. Back to working on my list and trying to come up with reasonable expectations for a relationship:-)
Replies