Off-Kilter
Where to begin? I was SO mad at my son last night. I was just talking to either the dog or DH & DS was on the computer doing something, probably getting frustrated with what he was doing, and started getting nasty & foul to me. I made it clear to him that, "you know, we CAN turn off the internet." "No you can't," he counters. "Oh, yes, we can!" And he continued to be nasty.
Oh, it made me sooooo mad! I did NOT raise him to be like this! I (despite my dysfunctional childhood) was not raised to treat others nastily. And how dare he? Out of the kindness of my heart, I continue to let him live under MY roof & to feed him, inspite of having no job or any other kind of life...and he feels justified to be nasty to me??? Please!!
I was so shaken up last night that I could barely do devotions. All I could do is physically calm myself down & go to sleep. I cry out to God & feel like I'm not being heard. I suppose that I AM being heard; I just don't see anything changing except for the worse. Our bible study encourages us to look at a past miracle to show us that "yes, God can", but I come up blank.
Physically, I've been sooo tired lately; I've been falling right asleep & having a very hard time getting up in the morning. This is not like me! All the voices from the adjacent departments are carrying over here & getting on my last nerve. I'm nursing a headache. And the people on the bus have been so smelly & invading my personal space today. (Why do people who ride public transportation NEVER WASH?) I don't know if my feelings today all stem from what went on with my son, or if all this is part of one big thing. I'm suspecting the latter.
Anyway, there is one small voice in my head (Leslie Vernick's voice?) that asks why I'm angry with my son. Well, the first-layer reason is that I'm being disrespected in my own home. But then, why does that set me off? Why can't I just detach from it, knowing that the nastiness is out of him, and not of me? Why can't I rise above it? What's really going on in me?
**interlude (for lunch)**
Feeling a little better now; maybe the good clam chowder had something to do with it. Also received a newsletter from Karla Downing about not taking personalities personal. Basically more about keeping realistic expectations: if a dog always barks, don't expect it to meow. If my son is often nasty, don't expect that to go away. Even though I don't want him to act nasty, realistically I should expect nothing less. If he acts nice, then he'll be exceeding that expectation.
Now to practice that...
Oh, it made me sooooo mad! I did NOT raise him to be like this! I (despite my dysfunctional childhood) was not raised to treat others nastily. And how dare he? Out of the kindness of my heart, I continue to let him live under MY roof & to feed him, inspite of having no job or any other kind of life...and he feels justified to be nasty to me??? Please!!
I was so shaken up last night that I could barely do devotions. All I could do is physically calm myself down & go to sleep. I cry out to God & feel like I'm not being heard. I suppose that I AM being heard; I just don't see anything changing except for the worse. Our bible study encourages us to look at a past miracle to show us that "yes, God can", but I come up blank.
Physically, I've been sooo tired lately; I've been falling right asleep & having a very hard time getting up in the morning. This is not like me! All the voices from the adjacent departments are carrying over here & getting on my last nerve. I'm nursing a headache. And the people on the bus have been so smelly & invading my personal space today. (Why do people who ride public transportation NEVER WASH?) I don't know if my feelings today all stem from what went on with my son, or if all this is part of one big thing. I'm suspecting the latter.
Anyway, there is one small voice in my head (Leslie Vernick's voice?) that asks why I'm angry with my son. Well, the first-layer reason is that I'm being disrespected in my own home. But then, why does that set me off? Why can't I just detach from it, knowing that the nastiness is out of him, and not of me? Why can't I rise above it? What's really going on in me?
**interlude (for lunch)**
Feeling a little better now; maybe the good clam chowder had something to do with it. Also received a newsletter from Karla Downing about not taking personalities personal. Basically more about keeping realistic expectations: if a dog always barks, don't expect it to meow. If my son is often nasty, don't expect that to go away. Even though I don't want him to act nasty, realistically I should expect nothing less. If he acts nice, then he'll be exceeding that expectation.
Now to practice that...
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