Odd day out

Well another first for me, I have just been sitting in th house since noon.  I should be outside mowing grass, pulling weeds or moving hogs.  But instead I have sat in front of the computer most of the afternoon looking at nothing.  Sold hogs this morning - Saturday beening a very unusual day to market hogs, but they are so far behind they are killing on Saturdays.  Of course mine have to travel 7 hours to Loganport IN when I have 3 packing plants within 2 hours to the west.  Of course they are all full, ya right!!!  My Uncle on my Mom's  side died yesterday, that makes 3 brothers in less than a year.  I have to go to funeral on Monday, about an hour from here, so will take most of my day.  Glad I didn't set up to move corn that day.  Really need to get the bin empty, in order for me to do that I have to decide if I'm finishing the calves off the cows next year or not.  (I will need to take corn to town to put in grain bank, as this is 100 o/o mine and what is going in the bin will only be 50 o/o mine.  Decision, decision, and I have put off making alot of major ones.  The pickup truck is still a problem.  Took it to second dealership and they agreed with first, needs transmission work, well truck is only worth about 3 or 5 grand and they want 2 or 3 grand to fix it.  I really don't feel like selling his truck, let alone buying another one, but there is still cattle to haul and sows to get to town.  Guess maybe I'll run it till it dies.  Just got done putting 2000 in it since December 08.  Really don't know what I'm feeling, nothing I guess - just numb and empty inside.  Ken would be running around like crazy getting ready for fall harvest, and I'm not doing a damn thing, just worrying. Hog building are almost empty and that makes me very sad.  We worked for 30 years keeping them full and now they will probably just fall in a hole.  Wish I could crawl in one and die.  I really don't think it would matter, then maybe I could see Ken again and hold him.  God I miss him so much - it just seems to be getting worse than better.  I should of been ready for this and I'm not at all.  Just seem to not be able to get past certain issues.  Where I'm going to live as one of them.  I don't know how I will ever move forward if I build a house on his Grandma's farm.  First I'm going to feel guilting because he isn't there.  That was always his dream - to retire on the little farm, all I ever wanted was to be whereever he was at and he knew that.  I didn't care where we lived as long as I was with him.  Wish I would of done things different, made it easier on him.  I just can't seem to quit crying this week and I have to.  Going to try to pick a headstone out - everyone is pushing to get it done and I still don't know what I want.  If I decide I'm not ready, I'm just telling the salesman on Wed I'm not going to do it yet.  He's been calling for two weeks.  Well I think I'm rambling so I'd better stop.  Maybe tommorrow will be a better day, ya right.