October is being an interesting Month

October 20th came and I did go to my appointments at Temple University Hospital

October 19th 

I have less than 24 hrs. to cancel everything but I am going to go through with the procedure. I am certain just as much as I was certain when I was doing the research all these years and made the commitment of going all the way. I also feel that I managed to calm Daniel's fears by showing all the journals of the year's abuse that we owe ourselves this improvement and that we will be satisfied with the outcome without the regrets later. Maybe for once in our Live's we can be at peace. Looking forward in closing out the book of Daniel but I reminded myself that Daniel will be living as Danielle for now on. We will see how it goes when November 2nd comes as I know now that I will not back off. I have to keep strong and with Daniel backing us up it will be a breeze. I am just glad that I was able to get Daniel in a calm place as he was putting me in a difficult place not only with the surgery but with our job as well, knowing that if we lost this job it will be difficult to find another one with a felony charge still looming over our heads. I did say that I really need him to help us a long in this journey as it will be a difficult one as i will be needing his strength as well as mine to get through this venture.

It is October 20th as I completed my trip to Temple Hospital. Everyone was quite nice to me until they overwhelmed me with all this new information that was not in my research. being disappointed with all the new information does not give me time to reevaluate my deciding factor of doing the surgery but I feel that I am going to go ahead with the procedure. I do have to mention that there are some concerns with my post op care. I just don't have the funds to stay up there for a week out of the hospital and the other concern is that all my funds would dry up with me taking public transportation twice in a week and once for the remaining month which costs about 33.50 round trip it is better than 40.50 going towards Marcus Hook.

Anyway I was having some issues during the day concerns about how to get there which was easy and surprisingly the trains were not crowded at all. But I had difficulties getting back that I managed to get off at the wrong stop over shooting my stop by one  but I didn't have to much luck with my anxiety as I thought I was going to lose it and being confused, but I had Daniel to help me with my mind ( see I told him I needed his help) .

Right now I am exhausted that I could just sleep. the stress is unbelievable. How could anyone survive the stress levels I am experiencing. I feel that I am almost at the point of just giving up I am so exhausted and tired that I feel like  I can't go on anymore. Just about getting to that point, but what is the end? Will my rewards be honored of blasted by someone? Or when Merle finds out that I have changed my name what then tell her it is my life that I am the one that is going to enjoy the new me and that she is not part of it anymore when she had dozens of times to change her ways towards me?? Only if she stopped for a minuet to realize that she as succeeded in pushing me away. She could have showed me some little love like a hug or maybe a kiss a real kiss to show me that she still has some affection towards me ??  But it was just a wish that she could have done some of those things as I mentioned. Just to show me that she was in love with me but I never got that at all just an empty heart. It saddens me to even talk about this that it makes me want to cry, it shows that I still love her and care about her even though she has not returned the favor. All I ever got was hostilities to no end. For now I am trying to deal with my up coming surgery that I do not want to cancel or postpone it due to It will make me feel good about myself and it was something that I didn't back out of. As for Daniel he will always be within me sharing my everyday adventures as Danielle. I look at it this way as I will have his knowledge to live my everyday life as Danielle being new and old at the same time would be a wonderful experience in it self. I hope that he can be at ease with himself as I would never put him in harms way. I know it is difficult for him as it is for me as well but we will survive it together. There is no one else to do it fo

The plot continued to thicken as I was told that I needed to have rides to my post-op appointments that if I didn't get a personal ride they weren't going to do the surgery. They only gave me till Monday October 26. Trying to find out who could take me was a challenge. I started asking first with Katrina which she pitched in and offered to take me on Tuesday but November 12 the turned out to be the problem and time was against me and I knew it. But I did not want to lose out as I went to Rhyland to see if she could help me so I wouldn't have to worry about my surgery cancelled. She offered and I was able to get a rental car to provide the transportation to my appointment, I just hope that I haven't gone overboard that I am able to pay for everything I need. To pay off the credit card. Also to get a gift for Vane's birthday I don't think I can spend the same amount as I did last year but at least it will be something.

Well I hope I gathered everything that I need for pre-op and to continue further. They say I will be out for a while but not in my time frame as they say it will be longer. I hope that they are wrong about the amount of time.

Trying to figure out my finances so I won't sink myself.

I will get another full 2 weeks pay in November it should be enough to pay off the credit card that I used for the rental car.

I am sort of in a calm situation with my anxiety which is surprising as I hope it will continue to stay in check and I hope that my subconscious mind will behave himself meaning Daniel.I still have a lot of work to get done Rearranging my room, making sure what I need to take to the hospital during my stay and the time to leave. One hurdle I need to get through is the covid testing early Friday morning as they have to send it to the Hospital to clear me for my surgery that morning.I am scared but I know that I will be in good hands.I hope that I have covered everything and get some more information and a few items that I have found in their letter about having someone take me and pick me up the day of the surgery, I hope that it does not apply to me as I will be taking public transportation to the hospital that day.It is going to be the most exciting day of my life as my tears of fear will be tears of joy.

Bye for now unless something turns up