October is an on going Challenge
October 21,2020
Wednesday, October 21, 2020
3:16 AM
October 20th came and I did go to my appointments at Temple University Hospital
October 19th
I have less than 24 hrs. to cancel everything but I am going to go through with the procedure. I am certain just as much as I was certain when I was doing the research all these years and made the commitment of going all the way. I also feel that I managed to calm Daniel's fears by showing all the journals of the year's abuse that we owe ourselves this improvement that we will be satisfied with the outcome without the regrets later. Maybe for once in our Live's we can be at peace.
Looking forward in closing out the book of Daniel but I reminded myself that Daniel will be living as Danielle for now on. We will see how it goes when November 2nd comes as I know now that I will not back off. I have to keep strong and with Daniel backing us up it will be a breeze. I am just glad that I was able to get Daniel in a calm place as he was putting me in a difficult place not only with the surgery but with our job as well knowing that if we lost this job it will be difficult to find another one with a felony charge still looming over our heads. I did say that I really need him to help us a long in this journey as it will be a difficult one as i will be needing his strength as well as mine to get through this venture.
It is October 20th as I completed my trip to Temple Hospital. Everyone was quite nice to me until they overwhelmed me with all this new information that was not in my research. being disappointed with all the new information does not give me time to reevaluate my deciding factor of doing the surgery but I feel that I am going to go ahead with the procedure. I do have to mention that there are some concerns with my post op care. I just do have the funds to stay up there for a week out of the hospital and the other concern is that all my funds would dry up with me taking public transportation twice in a week and once for the remaining month which costs about 33.50 round trip it is better than 40.50 going towards Marcus Hook.
Anyway I was having some issues during the day concerns about how to get there which was easy and surprisingly the trains were not crowded at all. But I had difficulties getting back that I managed to get off at the wrong stop over shooting my stop by one but I didn't have to much luck with my anxiety as I thought I was going to lose it and being confused but I had Daniel to help me with my mind ( see I told him I needed his help) .
Right now I am exhausted that I could just sleep the stress is unbelievable. How could anyone survive the stress levels I am experiencing. I feel that I am almost at the point of just giving up I am so exhausted and tired that I feel like I can't go on anymore. Just about getting to that point, but what is the end? Will my rewards be honored of blasted by someone? Or when Merle finds out that I have changed my name what then tell her it is my life that I am the one that is going to enjoy the new me and that she is not part of it anymore when she had dozens of times to change her ways towards me?? Only if she stopped for a minuet to realize that she as succeeded in pushing me away. She could have showed me some little love like a hug or maybe a kiss a real kiss to show me that she still has some affection towards me ?? But it was just a wish that she could have done some of those things as I mentioned. Just to show me that she was in love with me but I never got that at all just an empty heart. It saddens me to even talk about this that it makes me want to cry, it shows that I still love her and care about her even though she has not returned the favor. All I ever got was hostilities to no end. For now I am trying to deal with my up coming surgery that I do not want to cancel or postpone it due to It will make me feel good about myself and it was something that I didn't back out of. As for Daniel he will always be within me sharing my everyday adventures as Danielle. I look at it this way as I will have his knowledge to live my everyday life as Danielle being new and old at the same time would be a wonderful experience in it self. I hope that he can be at ease with himself as I would never put him in harms way. I know it is difficult for him as it is for me as well but we will survive it together. There is no one else to do it for us.
Replies
Hello, Danielle!
I think you are doing a great job with this piece of transition. All the logistics of pre-surgery planning and anticipating self-care needs can be super stressful for me, and were toughest for me on first surgeries. You handled transportation and doc information overload and the big self-questioning stuff of the realities of dangers and benefits this huge change. it is hard to go through these things without a lot of support, but it is a good opportunity to validate just how much strength you have built up after deciding to move on from things that were destroying you to the possibility of a new healthier life that you get to build a day at a time, building on what you learned before. I hope that when you look closely at all that you have survived to get to this point, and how hard you have worked to get to this point that you will begin to see the exceptionally strong woman you are now and are becoming. No woman becomes a woman in a single day, and every new day you get a chance to build on what you learned the day before. Your surgery can be a huge step in feeling at home in your own body. I hope you wake up from anesthesia knowing you have a hospital staff who respect your bravery in taking some risks and dealing with some tough but temporary pain to be more at peace with yourself and ready to build the next chapters of your new life.
Isn't it amazing that we have doctors and therapists willing to help us through this difficult piece of transition? I am so glad that you have this support, and though you are already all the woman anyone would ever need to be, you will have these body changes that can so dramatically change how you see your body and intimate partners see it.
It is great that you are welcoming Daniel on this part of the journey and using what he can contribute positively to make this stressful bit of the journey more easily successful. Often the best supports we have are already inside us.
I pronounce you She-Ra, Conquerer of the Surgery Suite! I hope you absolutely love feeling more complete as a woman as a result of your surgery, and can't wipe the smile off your face even while you are in the uncomfortable bits of physical recovery. We only succeed at what we risk doing. Go, She-Ra!!!
XO, Sister.
Liam